new year

After weeks, or more likely months, we've been force fed the idea that Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year ! and for most it probably is, now we are in the middle of "most wonderful time of the year" and New Year excitement. Again being force fed the idea we have to be excited and will be partying, and celebrating and for many people I know its a fun time, we get time off work and get to spend time with loved ones.
But for some like me, who struggle with depression and or anxiety,  it can be really hard work, not that its hard to spend time with loved ones etc, I know I'm lucky to spend christmas with my family.
I don't wish to waste a moment of that time, but it can be exhausting, whether because your trying so hard to be present and "enjoy" yourself and have "fun" or from trying so hard to be ok, or just to keep up. I will at some point end up feeling guilty or bad for not spending as much time with loved ones as I can but I will need alone time at some point.
It all adds up to being a time of year I don't look forward to, spending time with my family is always special but the rest of the "christmas" stuff I really could do without.
Then after making it through the main days of Christmas you then have the new year to look "forward" to. Social media is full of the reflections of the past year and expectations of the year to come. I've never quite got the excitement of a new year, its just a change of number really. It is though a sort of line in the sand for people, a chance to start something new, or try something they haven't before. Exclamations that the year to come will be this and that.
I wish I could find the excitement in the New Year to come, but it fills me with fear, fear of things not getting any better, of the another "wasted" year, not getting any further forward or being any better, spending another year alone and lonely. I'd like to hope for a better future, but I've learnt that, that's not in my story, not in my future, I wasn't built like that. I don't believe it fate, or that things are designed to be a certain way, as I do believe you make your own future and destiny, but my past has taught me that to hope for better is to allow in the pain of loss and disappointment. I'm no longer or currently not strong enough face the fear of more failure and more let downs.


I know it sounds negative and I know things won't improve without effort from me, but its hard to see past the past and the let downs, to see that things can be better. When all the lights go out how can you see where to go?, you can stay still, move slowly, trip and fall, wait for the light to come back or stride on forward regardless of the dangers. I want to be someone who strides forward but I am at the moment somewhere between staying still and moving slowly, following a trip and fall. The resulting pain stopping me in my tracks.
As the new year starts I will look forward ,in my own way, and in my best way I can. The fall giving me/reminding me of something I need to work on or at least face, so the next trip maybe won't result in a fall or if it does means I'll be able to get up easier.
Either way another year is coming to an end with its ups, downs and confusions, and another one is starting which will contain, its own ups, downs and curve balls. Time will tick on and the number at the end of the date will change, the rest well ……… lets see .

Alone

Its been hurting again, that alone feeling, having almost no one to talk to and it hurting too much to actually speak about it. There have been people there who wanted to help but the pain was too bad and it meant facing some of my biggest demons, which I simply don't have the strength for.
I hadn't realised how large a couple of those particular demons were still until something in my personal life changed. I had put my trust into someone and that had put a "butterfly stitch " over the wounds I had , unfortunately these wounds hadn't healed so when that was removed all that pain flowed out again.
I crashed and felt like I was falling apart, I couldn't stop the tears and the pain made it difficult to breathe.
All my doubts and fears were released, running free. It took all my energy to be ok, if I let myself think about things, I would fall down, I never realised an internal pain could hurt so much, that it could take my breath away.
Having my faith in people tested after being let down, shook me to my core, realising that how I felt was different, that my mind had run away with me.
I had let my guard down and hoped for a better future, believing that maybe just maybe there was something more for me.
The questions of would I ever be normal, or have a normal relationship?, will I always be alone ? Why do I struggle so much with things that to everyone else is completely normal ?
 As much as I do try, I feel so uncomfortable around most people, I worry I'm not good enough, that I'm too different.
I know I'm not like most people, I know I'm different and I worry there is something wrong with me...………
wow I said it, but its true, I'm not going on my christmas works do, because of how uncomfortable I am in those situations, as much as I enjoy my time with my work colleagues and even like them (also true) those situations terrify me and exhaust me in trying so hard to be ok, when I simply am not.


I don't want to be alone, but I also cannot see anything different in my future, if I can't even cope with a works do, how am I ever going to be able to meet someone and even if I did , who would want me ? What would I have to offer them?
I have met so few people I have been able to talk to openly, even with them I find it difficult to be completely open and share what really goes on in my head sometimes. Those people made me feel a little less different, and gave me a glimmer of hope that things wouldn't always be so difficult.
having one of those people no longer be one of those people has been so difficult, and it has left me vulnerable to my demons again.
No one person can fix me I know that and I don't want anyone to, it not fair that just because I struggle with all those things most people don't , doesn't mean those one or two people should put up with me either.
I wish I could say or be ok, with being different, and I don't mean a little quirky, but I'm not because my different means I'm alone, and lonely, unable to fit in with others and never feel comfortable in social situations (even family times) .
I will always hope things will get better or at least I simply will find a way to be more comfortable in my own skin, or mind. I don't want to go through my life alone, but I worry things wont get any better. I don't know how to be different or find a way to be more comfortable, or have the strength to deal with those situations that I find so difficult.


 At least here I can share a little of it.

my thoughts havent been escaping

Its been a crazy and confusing few months, which has got in the way of writing . From shock to deep sadness, to relief and happiness and utter confusion.
My mind hasn't been able to cope and process the information and situations I've found myself in.
I usually find writing helpful, getting it out of my head, helping me make sense of things and face things I need to. Even when things get too much and I'm unable to actually speak, when the emotions go out of control the tears flow and I find it difficult to breathe making speaking impossible. Even when I can't see through the tears my pencil will keep moving, flowing across the page (though sometimes I can't always fully read what I wrote down), expressing all those things that get stuck inside.
It can be both good and bad, good as its therapeutic getting things out, and helps me face it, but also that means facing it which can be so painful, and exhausting. Sometimes I know its there but it just hurts too much. I won't think about it and escape by playing a game on my phone or tablet, or scrolling through social media, anything but let the cogs in my brain turn.
Sometimes it goes no further than a scribbled bit of writing, then other times if I can it will turn into a blog.


Until this last couple of weeks it has been confusion more than sadness that has blocked my writing, not being able to make sense enough to put pencil to paper, having nothing scribbled to transfer to type.
I ended up in a situation that I couldn't make sense of, having someone come back into my life, and being unsure as to why or if I really wanted them there, they persisted and I let my guard down a little but it left me very uneasy and uncomfortable, it brought back uncomfortable , painful memories and introduced questions I couldn't answer.
Thankfully things came out that made my decision for me, freeing me from the confusion and doubt, but also bringing with it, new questions and some confusion.
It turned things upside down for a while, everything I had believed in for the last almost 2 years , was wrong and everything I had thought before that time turned out to be true.
Although this also brought with it uncomfortable memories it also brought good memories too.
As the "dust" settled and things calmed down, all of this turned into a blessing renewing an old friendship and old relationships, lifting a weight I hadn't realised I was carrying around, and things started to make sense again.
It has been another painful couple of weeks but that's for another blog.

Roman

Last week I heard the news that a very special friend had passed away. Although I only knew him for a relatively short time, he made a huge impact on me and my life. He was beautiful to his very core, his soul, he only saw the beauty and joy in the world and the best in others.


There is a Robbie Williams song "One of God's better people" (a song he wrote for his mum) and although I'm not a very religious person, the title of this song perfectly sums up my friend.
He had the biggest heart and had the most beautiful soul of anyone I have ever met.
He would say "I love you" on every message he would send me, sometimes that would be all the message said.




It broke my heart to know I would never get to speak to him, or get another "I love you" , but also knowing the world had one less angel, and people who cared for him would be lost and hurting without him.




Worse still was I didn't get to say goodbye, I worried I hadn't told him how much he meant to me often enough.


Grief is one of the harder things we have to deal with, losing someone whether they were close to you or not leaves a hole in your life, a space that can't be filled. You have to carry on, but its a bit like trying to finish a jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces.
Depending on how close to that person you were, the size of that hole can be different, its a space that will never be filled. Others may come into your life and create their own space, but no one can ever fill that space.




I've been thinking of my friend, and the wonderful memories I have of him, the photo's and the feeling of being loved for simply being me, these things will help fill the gap left by him. Hopefully the gap will become less noticeable over time. But he'll always have a space in my heart and the positive effects of being lucky enough to know him, I will carry with me forever.




Rest In Peace Ramon, my beautiful friend.

Dedicated to Ramon Carlos Molina Muñoz

Fog

Sad, on edge, lethargic, anxious, short tempered, easily irritated, worried,  frozen, unable to concentrate or function.


Just some of the feelings and emotions over the last few days, some of it is just being tired. Tired from not sleeping, working too hard, from too much "peopling", or simply the effort it takes to overcome these things on a daily basis or even just to keep them at bay. This especially can leave me exhausted and feeling empty.


Guilty,  embarrassed, lazy, wasting my life.
 A few more thoughts and feelings, guilty for not going somewhere, or not doing something, feeling bad that I may have let someone down, or just simply I could do more. ( even though I am doing the best I can, guess that's me being too hard on myself)


I've been told I'm strong and to look at how far I've come and I can see that sometimes , especially the strong part as I must be, to have gotten this far.


But when days like this occur, its like a fog has descended obscuring my view, like a blindfold pressing on my eyes, with weights hanging off me, making every move 100x times harder than normal.
When the fog lifts and the weights fall away , I float out of the shadows and feel free and lighter again. I want to find a way of keeping the fog away, maybe a fan of some sort would help, if it was a fog I created , I would be able to stop it starting or at very least construct the right sort of fan to clear it away.
I have a couple of the components for the fan, rest being the main one, recharging when I feel it coming. Taking time to be quiet, be alone and relax.
The other is writing, putting pen to paper and talking like I am now about the confusion of thoughts , feelings and emotions or lack of them. Either letting them out or somehow sparking new ones to life, especially on my non functional days (as long as I can actually get pen to paper)


The fog can also carry pollutants , making things worse and giving you something else to battle.
The fog not only clouds your vision, it also hide's obstacle's , some that trip you, some to make you change course a little, and some that stop you in your tracks. Trapping you and slowing you down.


The fog also hides the good things which can be a good or bad thing, as sometimes its easier if you can't see what your missing, you can't beat yourself for missing something you can't see, but then its bad as you have nothing positive to reach for, if you don't see what your missing what have you got to aspire to?.


Its weird to think that I could wake up tomorrow and feel fine, no fog, no weights, I could also feel worse, heavier fog and heavier weights , or I could wake up feeling exactly the same.


I take all the positives of the day to bed with me when I go, allow myself time to relax and switch off and try and get a good nights sleep.
That is all I can currently do to improve things, how I feel when I wake is an unknown, that I don't need to worry about.
Either way its another day, another chance and another challenge to face. :)

Please

Please don't see lazy
Please don't see rude
Please don't see aggressive
Please don't see angry
Please don't see distant
Please don't see anti social
Please don't see it as a choice.
Please don't see it as about you
Please don't see uncommunicative
Please don't see uncooperative


Please don't think I'm not trying
Please don't think I'm not listening
Please don't think I don't care


Please don't take it personally
Please don't say you understand , cause I know you probably don't and I don't want you to


Please don't tell me to try harder
Please don't tell me to snap out of it or get over it
Please don't tell me all I have to do is see the bright side or find the positive


Please don't be offended if I don't answer
Please don't be offended if I say no to something, cause its an achievement just to give an answer.


I already worry I'm lazy,
I already worry I'm rude
I already worry I'm not trying hard enough,
But I also know the effort it takes each and every day to just be.


I already know how hard I work
I already know how tried I get


and I know I'm doing ok, and that's ok.

self esteem

Self esteem is a funny thing, for some its gives them a false sense of being, in self, skills or abilities for other its a debilitating problem.
For me its a challenge I've faced for some time, I'm not actually sure when it first reared its ugly head, it may have creeped up slowly, but there are a few moments that definitely fed or maybe fed on my self esteem.
From having "friends" who complained about me to others or made fun of me, to make themselves feel "cleverer", when still in school, to while in my first full time job, being bullied for months and then having everything about me ripped to shreds including the quantity of tea I didn't drink (that one I can now laugh about). As well as being told constantly I wasn't good enough, and people didn't like me, in a recent "friendship". Although hard at the time, I didn't realise the damage that was being done until most recently when it was too late.


I thought at first my depression was caused by my low self esteem, but I now know that isn't the case, for me its more the depression highlights the low self esteem,  as one of the symptom's of depression is low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness.


When my mood is better, its much easier to ignore the doubts and voices that remind me I'm not good enough at anything, clever enough, pretty enough, not likable or a good enough person.
When my mood lowers, like a dam gate being opened they rush back in full force, stopping me in my tracks and exacerbating the low mood.


There are moments that catch me out, little things that shouldn't really effect me but shine a light on my low self esteem demons.
Getting a compliment for instance, my brain goes into over drive questioning the all sorts of things, why? do I really deserve that?
A small misunderstanding with someone, or a simple comment is all it takes sometimes.
Yesterday I was sent a beautiful quote, it left me feeling very emotional, cause I didn't believe it about me, it couldn't possibly be true, it was a weird mix of emotions, sad and happy. A lovely feeling that someone could think that of me, but also sad because to me its just not true.
Why can't I see that in me ? 
I have glimmers of hope and improvement, I'm stronger now and its easier to believe in the good these days, but these can also make the bad days feel worse, its disappointing when I realise they are still there and able to make me feel so awful.
I've learnt ways of coping with these bad days, and I'm working on making the most of the good moments.

figuring things out

A little while ago I wrote about not being able to put my finger on what I was feeling. I was feeling very sad, down and struggling to do things. I was worried that maybe I was getting poorly again, without really being sure as to why.
The more time went on the more, the more my mood fell and the more my naughty little monsters in my subconscious got free and this just made things worse.
Thankfully this time, it appears it was more of a physical health rather than a mental health thing, in that my thyroid levels had dropped again and this seemed to be the cause, following a change in my medication I've gone from feeling like I wanted to cry all the time and feeling unable to function, to feeling relatively normal again.
It may sound a little strange but it was a relief to find out there was something wrong, something possibly causing the feelings, as its sometimes hard to feel so low and have no tangible reason why. Knowing it wasn't me, in a sense, something out of my control, helped.  You can't fix something if you don't know what's broken.
Its also been a good reminder that I'm still not where I need to be and there are still plenty of monsters in my head I need to defeat. Its disappointing that they are still there and still so destructive and powerful. I've tried not to allow them any power, but once my mood drops they gain power and strength.
You can feel so powerless, the overwhelming sadness, despair and hopelessness is so strong, its a challenge to simply open your eyes in the morning let alone get up and out of bed. The more you fight and struggle with these mundane tasks the more physically and mentally tired you get, the more your mood drops, its a vicious downward cycle. If you add into this the misunderstanding of others and the (probably) well meaning but normally hurtful comments, "you need to try harder", "push yourself" , "need to snap out of it" , or "get over it" can and usually do way more harm than good.
You just want to shout, "its not that easy", "don't you think if it was that easy I would", "do you really think I choose to feel this way", not many people choose to feel depressed, there are probably some out there that may, because it suits them or gets them something they feel they need, but for most of us its not.
Its hard to admit and talk about, but for those of us brave enough to admit and talk about it, to have it dumbed down, that you can just "snap out of it" is crushing.
Also for me the constant "you can talk to me" again I know they mean well and are trying to help, but when you don't know how you feel or don't know why you feel like this or where its come from, you can't, there's simply nothing to say. Sometimes you just need someone to say its ok, I'm here for you, here's a hug. "Hugs always help "
I don't want anyone to stop asking if someone is alright or offering that they can talk if they need to, because there are times when you need to talk, knowing there is someone you can talk to is so powerful.
So at least this time, although its been a tough few weeks, I have a reason behind it and a solution and thankfully I'm on the way up again.
Its hard not to be able to put your finger on a feeling, but it doesn't mean you can't change it , or find a solution.

Lonely

I hear it a lot, and its been commented on my previous blogs, that "you do have friends"
Now I don't want to sound horrible, ungrateful or insulting to those people, but if this is the case, why am I always alone ?
I never hear from anyone, once I finish work, unless its a Zumba night I won't speak to anyone until I arrive at work or the gym the next day. Even when I arrive at work, I still feel completely and utterly alone.
I don't blame anyone, its on me, because why would I hear from anyone when I won't generally contact people either, even if I do pluck up the courage to message someone (forget ringing) then I spend ages planning what to write, but that is the rare occasion I have something to say. I have spent more than a day planning what I wanted to say, even before working up the courage to send a message. I do sometimes worry I talk too much, on the odd occasion, because I haven't talked to anyone for so long, I'll talk and talk without really having a conversation, which isn't nice for the other person.
When I'm at work, I never actually feel like I fit in, I feel different , stupid, and worthless. I struggle to join in to conversations or follow them, I worry I will misunderstand and make myself look stupid, or I'll get something wrong. I'm scared to speak up or make suggestions or even ask a question, because I have been so regularly shouted down and talked down to. Even at salsa I don't feel I fit in, but at least its noisy so I don't have to worry so much about proper conversation.


I have people who care about me and do take the time and effort to talk to me and support me, and I'm incredibly grateful to them as it must be an immense challenge, it can't be easy to be around me , I know I must be hard work. I've definitely been told it a few times, but I also feel it, if I find it exhausting , what must it be like for them?


I know its Ok to be different, and that some people embrace it and its what makes them special, but for me I feel too different or a different type of different, in a way that's isolating and very lonely.


Even when I have been in a situation when I thought I had a good friend or two, I never actually felt like it was their choice, or they were choosing to be my friend, in the back of my mind was that I was a 2nd choice, there by default or because they were friends with someone else. People probably didn't mean to make me feel like that, and probably didn't realise they were doing it. There has been the exceptions but I choose to believe that mostly its not been on purpose.
I may be unfair in saying it, but I've almost never felt like someone wanted me for me, not for something I could do, something I could help with, or escape from someone or something, or just they had no one else at that moment in time,


I debated writing this as I don't want to hurt anyone, or sound ungrateful for what I do have, but sometimes I just have to get it out, and sharing it can help me, and has the potential to help someone else. Trying to explain what goes on in my head, and having feedback that I'm not alone.
I saw a brilliant blog the other day "this is what depression looks like". It was honest and open and like the writer had seen inside my head or life, it was so good to see someone felt like I did and I wasn't alone or abnormal for feeling this way.
For me its getting those thoughts out as well as Thanking those who do "put up with me" xx

Social Noooo? part 2

Battling my social anxiety, is an ongoing challenge. For me its not just going out, it can be simply going over to someone's house.
It can be sometimes easier to say why you don't want to go out, or just avoid it all together but not visiting people can be even harder, how do you say you're terrified of going to someone's house, without hurting their feelings, how do you explain its not about them, but that your scared of everything else, not having anything to say, them just not liking you, feeling silly cause you cant keep up with the conversation or worrying you wont know what's being talked about.
I faced some of that fear recently, at first I felt so energized and proud of myself, tiring and very empowering, but completely exhausting, surely it shouldn't be so hard to just visit someone, or go and do something you love.
For me this is my reality, and its a fight that I don't have the energy for most of the time. By the time I've gotten through the "normal things" I have nothing left for anything else.
Although I found it energizing and empowering for at first that I had managed to visit an old friend and the day after managed the trip to salsa, but after only a couple of hours at salsa the mental exhaustion of trying so hard to be present and make it to either places caught up and I was sat there, basically using what little energy I had left to stay there, fighting the desire to run, determined to make it a little longer , willing myself to enjoy it more and stay.


For a long time my stubbornness or bloodymindedness as I called it, got me to Salsa , people would comment how brave I was, or how they couldn't do it. But not going and missing it was worse and I wasn't going to let the lack of someone to go with mean I didn't go. In all honestly I didn't enjoy the nights I went on my own as much, looking back , it was hard work, fighting the demons in my head, feeling silly being on my own, having no one to go with. Feeling self-conscious being there alone.
I'm not sure why things changed, maybe I just got tired of trying so hard, shouldn't have got easier eventually?
I've been told I should join clubs etc to make new friends but if its such a huge effort to go to somewhere where I actually know people and there is something I really love doing when I get there, how am I supposed to make it somewhere I don't and don't know anyone? where would I find the strength and energy?, when I cant win the battles I face on a day to day basis.
There's always another Salsa night or opportunity to make that visit or even try joining that new club, so I will keep trying and fighting.

tears

I just feel like I could cry, the tears are there, just behind my eyes, my eyes stinging with the start of tears, but they just don't want to come out. I'm not entirely sure why or the cause but its there and its not a nice feeling. The last time I felt tearful similar to this but worse at the time, was when I hit my lowest and had to have time off work. Its strange because I don't feel anywhere as bad as I did then and I have so many other things that are better now, but its there, just sneaking a look, behind my eyes. There's also the anxious, worked up,stressed out, and easily annoyed, which could be the cause of  the feelings but also could be part of it.
Everything feels like its going wrong and the smallest thing feels huge. If I comment to someone, that there's a problem with something I'm dealing with, I don't get the answer or reply I need, but is this because of how I'm feeling or is it how I'm dealing with it and reacting to it or is it that they don't care, am I just "complaining again".
I shouldn't feel this bad its only work, but I dread going in the morning, feel overwhelmed soon after arriving and feel the weight of it long after I've left. Why do others seem to have it easier? why are others seemingly allowed to make mistakes? why do I get stuck dealing with the issues? and why do I allow it to bother me.
Sometimes I just think, if the tears could come out I would feel better, maybe letting them all go would help, but would I be able to stop?. They wont come when I need it most, it always seems to be at an inconvenient time or for something less important.
People say it's only work, I say it too, but it takes up such a big part of the day, not just the 8 or so hours your actually in work for but if your dreading it beforehand, its exhausting you while your there, and worrying you after you've left it fills up so much more.
It may not be work though it could be something else, maybe I'm just not doing as well lately, maybe I'm tired, or worried about something.
Just as I was feeling better, its come again, I am handling things better, how does it jump out and still catch me unawares.
One of the frustrating things is not being sure why, I'm sure I could feel better if I knew why or where it was coming from.
I'm sitting here trying to make sense of it, the only time I've not felt tearful since I got up this morning was the hour I was teaching my Zumba class, and maybe half an hour after but by the time I was driving home it was there again. I then worry about feeling that way again, and it makes things worse. It generally helps to write about it, it either pushes me to face the feelings or by writing them down it gets some of it out of my head.
So off to bed I go trying not to be too hard on myself for not feeling so good.
Tomorrow's another day, fresh morning and a chance to feel better and different.

You're Worth It

"You're Worth It" 3 little words, 12 letters. Yet they can mean the world.
As someone who has struggled with pitifully low self esteem and depression, having someone say that is amazing !
This week I celebrated my Zumba "birthday" 12 months since I started my own classes ! I was well and truly surprised and blown away when I arrived at my venue to find it fully decorated by some of my ladies, they had fancy dress and accessories ! I got gifts and cards ! I simply had not expected it and it really was mind blowing, later that evening I posted a thank you on my Facebook page and one of the comments was those 3 little words ! Not only did someone say it, but they had already made me feel it.
It can be hard to accept compliments and praise when struggling with low self esteem, even though its what you desperately what to hear it, when you do, you tend not to believe it or almost not want to believe it, just in case its not true. Those pesky little voices that say "they're only being nice" etc tend to pop up, or for me its also that I got so used to be knocked down again, you can be scared to believe it, cause it hurt so much more when the fall came.
The old adage that "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" is a lovely idea, but unfortunately words can cause so much more damage, especially if combined with matching actions , and or from someone who claims and pretends to care and have your best interests at heart.
You can doubt what your hearing or how your being treated, but if its coming from someone you had put your trust in and claims to care, it can be a very confusing situation and it only takes the tiniest thing that possibly backs up the negative, to allow the negative take over.
The inner battle of who and what to believe is exhausting, the not knowing what to trust, has a negative effect on your self esteem, further chipping away at you. It can cause you to doubt everything and everyone, and unfortunately its always easier to believe the negatives, which isn't a choice you make, it is your brains way of trying to keep you safe.
The best way to win this battle is to simply stay away from those who are negative towards you or around you, which is always easier to say than do. You don't trust yourself anymore. Luckily for me as I've said before I was removed by some of the people involved in some of the criticism so the cycle was broken for me.
Unfortunately the damage was done, and repairing that is a long process. I now concentrate on the people who are happy for me to succeed and want me to do well, the people who are willing to remind me of the positives.
Every "great class" ,"fab class as always" ,"you're worth it" and "  Great class and I for one are so glad you returned to do what you do best Zumba, nobody puts Lisa in the corner happy dancing 💃" mean the world to me, and even though I sometimes don't know how to respond to you, I really do appreciate it. xx

putting my finger on it

In a funny mood today, can't quite put my finger on it, but then again you can't generally put your finger on a mood or feeling can you?
You can feel the results, the tension, shaking, tears or feeling sick, but the mood itself isn't truly touchable. Like air its all around you can feel it moving when the wind blows, it can feel cool or warm but you can't actually touch it. Put your finger on it.
It can be very frustrating when you feel something but aren't sure what it is or why, like trying to grab a handful of air !
When I'm having one of these days I find it best not to overthink it, or to think about it at all, I just try to accept I'm having one of "those days", and allow myself to rest and relax. There's no point in overthinking or worrying about these things, as that point I cannot change the outcome or feelings at that moment I can only look after myself.
The hardest part is the result of these feelings or moods, usually it means I struggle to get anything done, I can't concentrate, or motivate myself to do much at all, food has become one of my bigger struggles, I just can't face eating, I don't want anything to eat at all, even if I do feel hungry , I can't face anything let alone making anything.
I feel very shut down, and have no desire to do anything, usually it only lasts a day or so, but I can feel the effects for a few more days, I've learnt the effects of not eating enough on my system especially when doing my Zumba classes, the tiredness making me doubt my ability to teach and whether I'm doing a good enough job.
It would be nice if I could find an answer as to why, because then I would be able to put things in place to maybe prevent it recurring, make changes to help avoid things, or at least cope better when it does occur.
I hate the feeling, its a weird mixture of sad, lonely, tired, lost and stuck, like moving in slow motion or even not moving at all, time can pass without me doing much at all. Its frustrating having stuff to do and not being able to connect the dots , get my brain working. Its hard to explain and I know some people cannot understand it, which can make things harder on me or anyone struggling with something.
For now I'll continue to deal with the effects as best I can while keeping an eye out for the why. Then maybe I'll be finally able to put my finger on it.

Closing that door

12 months ago today, I closed the door, actually slammed it shut and walked away from a negative and damaging situation I had stayed in because I couldn't see a better way. I wouldn't be better off on my own so why change things?
A situation born out of a once positive friendship that had initially boosted my poor confidence and helped me get out of my closed little world, but had turned into a negative, draining "friendship". But I thought if I kept holding on a little longer I would get to a point where I would be strong enough to change things, I would have other things outside of this "friendship" , other options to follow.
I had started to make changes, I was moving away from the situation, growing as a person and enjoying other friendships and experiences. One particular friendship, proved to be one of the instigators in the ending of the friendship, I could see jealously not only in that this person wanted to spend time with me but also that I wanted to spend time with them.
It took me away from the situation and helped me see things in a new light, and the support that person gave, added much needed strength to fight for myself, and confidence in me and the person I was.


The friendship itself was ended by the other person a few weeks earlier, but I had held on to the idea of the friendship for some time longer, but my hand was forced by a message that was beyond cruel, but that message forced me into a new reality. For the first time I fought back and challenged the cruel, evil words and was able to prove them false. I said my piece, stood up for myself  and ended things, blocking the phone numbers and social media pages. For once and for all slamming that door.
It was an invigorating, exciting and powerful moment for me, a feeling I took with me for some time. It was also challenging as I had to look at things and people differently. Relearn things and how to trust again, not only other people but myself too, I had to be brave enough to try. Hold my head up dealing with my depression, very quickly after the "friendship" initially ended I had been able to return to work, the support and encouragement of the people I was working with, further boosted me and seeing them happy I had shut that door, was further reinforcement that it was right.


By a strange coincidence earlier that same day I had received the news that my very first blog "Looking Back" was to be published on the mental health website I am 1 in 4, which was incredible to me. Shortly after I'd blocked the "friend" it was shared on the websites Facebook page. The comments, likes and shares were again an amazing boost, having strangers comment and offer support was mind boggling.
It was a lesson in the true nature of people, helping me develop my trust in people again. Friends and family members shared my blog with their own beautiful words and support.


It also had one more surprise in store, a friend who I'd lost because of the actions of the "friend" we had in common, did, what to me was very brave thing in getting back in touch with me. Our friendship had always been effected and damaged by the "friend" I mentioned earlier. She could have stayed away, but she didn't she reached out and got in touch, it was hard at first to get my head around things, but the more we talked the more I learnt what she had been put through by this other "friend" and how similar our experiences had been, further proving the cruel words were lies and designed to harm. Her support helped me regain some of my confidence and when I came to creating my own Zumba class, she was right there encouraging me.


Its been over a year since I first put pen to paper and wrote about my feelings and experiences, I still find it very therapeutic as the my pencil flows freely across my note pad, and then my fingers dance across the keyboard , the words easily escape in ways my mouth wont always do.


Thank you to all that support me and took the time to read and share. xx

Fearless Limitless

When I first needed a "business name" Fearless and Limitless came to mind, as it was something I wanted to be. I didn't want to be afraid anymore or be limited by my limitations. Putting my dream into words and into my business was a way to drive me, to keep me moving forward ,but also to give it a name.
I still have the same fears and limits but they are smaller and I'm stronger and more able to fight them.
Fear can be limiting, it can cause all sorts of difficulties, from just nerves to being completely frozen, and so much in between. For me it depends on the situation as to how it appears, sometimes I wouldn't even be aware of it. I could nervously giggle when confronted by someone, cry with fear, go silent, or freeze. When it came to having to speak in front of people it was terror, tears or my mind going completely blank, when I was riding it was pulling on the reins without wanting to, in my Zumba it was not moving as well, not being as strong and powerful, not connecting with the clients, again it was a subconscious thing, that I wasn't fully aware of, or was able to control. I can see a huge difference now, even feel it ! it feels easier, it flows and feels natural, its now one of the only times I feel free, I can be silly and not feel silly. I want to be able to take this feeling into more areas of my life, take that silly factor and freedom with me wherever I go.
 Fear can also be powerful and driving, making me want to beat it. It gives you something to fight for or against.
Limitations can also be a wide collection of things, mental and physical. From being a little on the short side (in Zumba clients can't see me) to self doubt and shyness. There are some things I can't change, I'm never going to be any taller, I'll always have trouble reaching the higher shelves. That's ok cause it doesn't effect who I am. I've worked through those limitations that I can.


"Limitless" also comes from wanting to have no limits on what I can achieve, where I can go. I've been told "no" too many times, or been told I'm not good enough or aren't aggressive/fierce enough (certain rhythm's in Zumba need more swagger or attitude). That I don't have the right attitude to move forward, get a promotion. But these just give me something else to fight against, and enjoy proving wrong.
 The worst limitations are the ones we put on ourselves "I'll never understand that" "I'm too uncoordinated" "its not my thing" these can come from our brains trying to protect us, but they don't always protect us, they place limits on what we can achieve. We have to fight those, use positive self talk, or just taking a step or if possible a leap of faith into the unknown.


Setting up and running Fearless Limitless Fitness, making it a success and loving every minute is what I wanted and will continue to do.


Be Fearless. Be Limitless and always to true to you, don't accept anyone's opinion of you even its your own.

worry

I worry sometimes I'm getting ill again, not in a hypochondriac kind of way, not my physical health, but in the way of my mental health. Is this a little blip, a bad day or few days, or am I just over tired ?
Its hard to tell for certain, but at least I'm aware of it. When I was first unwell, I didn't know it, I was always tired and felt heavy, I knew I wasn't happy but I thought it would get better of course it didn't, I just got even more tired, both physically and mentally. It wasn't until I sort help and started to feel better that, that weight was lifted and some of that tiredness left. I realised I could feel better and more importantly it wasn't my fault.
Being aware of your emotions and feelings does help as you can keep an eye on things, but it also can hinder as you add to your worries, worrying that there's something wrong. Draining some of that energy you need to keep moving forward, getting better or just getting through that day.
I've found for me its best to accept I'm not myself and if I can take a little time for myself to rest and recover, I do, sometimes all it takes is a quiet couple of hours, or ensuring I get more sleep (or trying too) knowing that being overtired can affect my mood.
I've learnt that being overtired is one of my triggers, so when I start to feel that way, I do what I can to make things better, I take a little time for myself, book some time off work, have a lie in and do my best to not criticize myself or beat myself up over it.
Its not something that everyone will understand, and I'm ok with that. Learning that "its ok not to be ok" has been a weight off my mind, a relief.
I've been lucky so far as I haven't experienced much negativity when I've talked about my struggles, there are still people who don't understand and there always will be.  That's ok as I don't want them too, cause to truly understand you need to experience it, and I don't want that for anyone, I would rather they not "get it" than actually know how it feels. Its hard to deal with some people who think or claim they understand, or those who don't and don't seem to want to, as you feel like your talking to a brick wall and getting nowhere, but that's one of those little blips, it can worry me, dent me a little but I'll pick myself back up again, as I know now how to "treat" that and move on.

Perfect ???

Nobody’s perfect they say, but this is only partly true, as “perfect” will always depend on each individual persons version and that moment in time.

Nobody can be perfect for everyone, and your version of perfect wont be everyone else's, you can only be perfect for some/someone/situation or moment in time and your perfect may not be perfect for anyone but you. To me that's one of the things that makes us amazing.

I don’t think I have an ideal of perfect, or if I do I’m not aware of it, not in any terms friends, boyfriends, family, abilities, pet, job it goes on. I suppose I will find my perfect at some point and maybe I can define it for myself, but each perfect will be different to the other, and each perfect will also develop and change over time.

There’s not many situations something can be “perfect” getting 10 out of 10 on a test is one of them.

People are judged for being "perfect" what's he/she got to worry about, be insecure about or not like in their lives? but just because to you it seems perfect it doesn't mean it is, or its perfect for that person.

Our world is constantly changing, and within that out own little worlds, even if we only watch, we are changed by what we see. We cannot simply observe, we interact with it in some way every day. And every little thing has some effect on us, which in turns effects our version of perfect, or should. If we don’t allow ourselves to change or admit these changes, can we ever be happy? You could just end up chasing a dream, you actually no longer want, so when you get it, will it make it happy ?

Chasing “perfect” is almost impossible, as it will keep changing.

Have dreams, have morals , have goals, dream big !, aim high, go on adventures just don't worry about perfect. Anything is possible if we don't get stuck on "perfect"

“Nothing is impossible, as the word itself says I’m possible” Audrey Hepburn

Just keep in mind that your ideal of perfect may not be everybody’s, and may not be the same as when you started out !

Social ???? noooooooooo

I've noticed recently that I'm struggling with being Social. Most people I know get excited about a night out, whether just drinks with a couple of friends or a party, or other things like days out/group outings, or works do! But the idea of these things terrify me.
I'll put on a nervous smile and say great, thank you, that's a good idea, I sometimes manage a polite "not sure" or sorry I'm busy (its such a relief to be able to truthfully say this) the fight to not show the real terror and blind panic in my mind, is immense, desperately not wanting to be rude, but also just wanting to run away and hide. Changing the conversation, or looking for a way out, an escape route.
It has nothing to do with the person or people doing the inviting or trying to arrange the "thing" but its that social setting that is scary. In work, Zumba or even a salsa night, I have a reason to be there, things to discuss, from work stuff or the basic hello, how have you been? on the dance floor. You only have a few minutes when someone asks you to dance to worry about before the song has finished.
But the rest of the time I'm lost and terrified.
Its hard to put into words exactly what it is that scares me, it involves a few different things and they get all muddled together, spinning around and churning it all up.
Having nothing to say, having nothing in common with people, not fitting in, not understanding what they're talking about, or having no knowledge or experience of whatever they are discussing.
Being scared they'll actually learn stuff about me and realise what a "loser" I am, what an idiot I am. That they'll realise I really have nothing to offer or that is interesting about me, there's so little to like.
I feel I have no experiences worth sharing, my mind goes blank and I genuinely have nothing to say. 
If I do make it out I sit in silence, my mind running laps, grinning away and nodding, occasionally chipping in if I can pluck up the courage. Most of the time feeling silly and awkward.
I want to enjoy these situations and I can enjoy part's , but if I don't arrive or I do say no or someone you know does that, its probably not about you, or what your planning it may well be something in their head, for me its definitely fear and worry.

Goodbye

Its hard to say goodbye sometimes, or even admit you need to say goodbye to someone or something that’s no good for you.

The last time I needed to walk away from something, I hung on for way to long, I wish I could say I had the strength to walk away but I didn’t. Luckily the situation was ended and I was left lost and alone, I was able to find my way but hanging on so long meant a lot of damage was done.

I thought it was better to stay and wait it out till I was stronger. It’s a pattern I’m stuck in, not being strong enough to walk away from things I should.

Part of that is I haven’t had to in the past as friendships were always or seemed to be based on a need, someone needing me for something. The “friend” who sat with me at school cause they had no one else to talk to, spending hours listening to her moan about her life, only to have her to then spend the next hour complaining to mutual friends that I had been the one moaning, or the one that liked to put me down because it made her feel cleverer, being kept around because they basically had no one else left to lean on.

Eventually I am no longer required, no longer have a use, so I get “dropped”, left behind or suddenly realising there is a huge distance and its been ages since I saw them. I’m not saying everyone does it on purpose, or does it at all, I can only say it’s been my experience so far.

I also know its not always about me being useful, not everyone is “bad”, I know its just me, I must be hard to be around, hard to “love” as I do not know who or even how to trust people, keeping myself tightly wrapped up trying to keep myself safe. Not being able to trust my own thoughts or feelings. The times I’ve allowed myself to open up or believe in something, I got hurt, badly, left feeling alone and lost, and further behind from where I started from.
Feeling I have nothing to contribute to a conversation, or to a friendship, what do I really have to offer anyone ? other than my usefulness ? I usually feel like I there is something wrong or missing inside me, which means I don’t connect.

I need to find the strength, a way through to break away from negative experiences, find a way to break those bonds and be free and even alone because that is better than putting myself in a negative situation, that hurts me just because its “better” than the alternative. I know in reality that’s wrong and putting up with being hurt is no alternative. But having the strength to say Goodbye is another challenge.

To hear

I just want to be heard or is that listened to? It’s both really, because you can hear without listening and you can listen without hearing.

The worst is when someone thinks or even believes that they are listening, when they’re not. They say they hear you and understand, when they haven’t heard a single word, if they did they wouldn’t say those words “I understand”, because hearing and understanding doesn’t need words.

There are all sorts of courses available now, “listening skills” or “verbal and non-verbal communication” are just a couple of them. Courses like these do help, but they also give you a false belief in those skills.

It takes more than a course, to really hear someone, you have to want to, you have to want to hear what they are trying to say, even when their words don’t come out the way they want, or they can’t find the words they need to explain. It’s there fighting to come out, it’s just doesn’t always make its way out.

I know it is difficult to be around me sometimes or people like me, frustrating, annoying and even hurtful. You may sometimes be in a hurry, not emotionally available at that moment, or simply don’t know the person so conclusions are jumped to, assumptions made, mistakes happen.

But those assumptions cause more mistakes and more heartache, assuming someone is being negative just because they have been seen as negative before, or thinking they were having “a go” at you, because of their voice/tone, or because you’re having a bad day, or simply because you didn’t have time to listen to them, a bit like speed reading, getting the gist but missing the main story, creating your own ending, even if that isn’t what you wanted.

It can work both ways, positively and negatively. Seeing the best in someone who’s struggling helps them, but seeing the best in someone who maybe doesn’t have a “best” to them will only end up hurting you and those who care about you.

Seeing someone as being negative when they are and helping see a different way, can help but seeing someone a being negative when they aren’t and may be just finding their way through just makes the person feel worse.

Our brains make some of thoughts in milliseconds or less, its not always a conscious decision, but if you can make the choice to stop, breathe and really listen you could simply brighten someone’s day or even change their life. We even have the ability to listen. What could you hear ? …..

the boxes

Think I need some locks on my boxes or one way openings, so I can let stuff out, but also stop things going in.
There are parts of our brains that exist to keep us safe, our flight or flight reflexes developed to protect us from attack from wild animals and from dangerous situations. Now we no longer have to worry so often about wild animal attacks , so this part of our brain now try's to protect us from other "dangers" and pain.
In my case its the pain it wants to protect me from, but its kind of got out of control, its a little power hungry, with a mind of its own. I know it means well, but I do need to rein it in as I need to feel these things, I need to face things and fight them. When something not very nice happens I simply shut down, the pain and worry remain but some of the actual details can disappear. Which is sometimes good, some situations are best not remembered, these are the things we need forget to protect us.
But forgetting these things, for me it makes it very difficult to deal with the problem and to move on, it means I cant talk it through properly with someone, describe what is actually wrong.
Something happened this week which I found particularly difficult, having a moment when anger, and intense pain kicked in together, causing a "flight" reaction, then panic, sadness and despair. My body reacting with tears, shaking and feeling psychically sick. My mind causing these reactions, but also stuffing as quickly as possible some of the details as what had actually happened into one of my many boxes, which have a little room in them, thanks to my efforts in emptying these out to try make room for nicer things.
Having no control over what goes in the boxes means I'm left with pain, depression and confusion, struggling to make sense of anything, my mind shut down and I find it difficult to even function on a basic level.
It also means that opening the boxes to stuff in things, allows out the little monsters that eat away at my self esteem, their voices in my ears telling me I'll always fail, always be alone, never fit in and never be any better, that it wont matter how hard I work or the challenges I face I'll never be good enough or achieve my desires (if I ever figure these out). Once released they run wild getting involved every thought and moment, until I can stuff them away again, or I buckle under their weight, running out of energy to fight anything, once my energy has gone they no longer have anything to feed on so they go dormant for a little while.
I can be hard on myself then, believing everything was my fault and my reactions were all wrong, that I am in the wrong to feel the way to I do.
I must remember these reactions are "normal", its how are brains are naturally wired to keep us safe.
There are little ways to help me cope with those moments and the moments that follow.

The boxes will always be there but its what I can choose to fill them with in the future that matters.

LETTING IT OUT

One of the reasons I first started writing and how "Looking Back"(my first blog) came about was from a desire to get the thoughts, feelings, memories and experiences out of the little boxes I had hastily stuffed them in. Which gave me a false sense of strength, if I could just keeping going I would be ok. Locking them away meant I could carry on, whether it was trying to look after others though illness or emergency or just being able to turn up at work every day, when just turning onto the road to where I worked, flipped my stomach and left me feeling physically sick.
This feeling lasted for years after I left that job, it didn't matter the time of day or even the type of vehicle I was driving, when I made that turn, it was there. At some point it stopped I couldn't tell you when it happened whether it got slowly better or just stopped one day.
 This feeling came from the bullying I suffered in that particular job, and the complete destruction of my self esteem, from having every aspect of my personality and every thing I had ever done ripped apart. I tried to leave it all behind, instead of facing it and dealing with the emotions and pain, if I locked it away in its own little box it couldn't hurt me anymore.
Unfortunately it doesn't work that way, locking it away hid it from me, but it meant it all stayed there, like a parasite eating away at me, every little bit of me I rebuilt was always weak, undermined by the beliefs created by those cruel words and treatment, it would only take a harsh word or even sometimes a comment made in innocence, to loosen the ties on the boxes allowing the monsters space to escape and feed on any positive feelings, compliments or self esteem however weak, tricking me into believing that I was nothing, worthless and unimportant. That I would never be good enough at anything or fit in anywhere, that there was something wrong with me.
I tried to make fun of one piece of criticism especially as it was so ridiculous, but it was one of the hardest things to deal with. This criticism was I wasn't part of the team because I didn't drink enough tea ! even though I would make them tea even if I didn't want a cup myself, but being judged in that manner is something you can't fight, as silly as it was.
So now I'm trying to unpack these boxes, sometimes only small amount before I  need to shut it again or other times its simply thrown out as a whole, or letting them pour them out onto a page or keyboard and screen.
I've been lucky that I've been able to share my writing and experiences, and even more so that it has helped other people, from strangers to people close to me. Helping them feel less alone and even inspired.
Letting it out has helped me along my road to doing better, given me strength, emptying my boxes out onto paper, even if they are never read. Each word freeing me from the negative emotions and feelings. Making room for new stuff, happy memories and experiences, that feed my sole and self esteem.
I now have new things to write about, so whether I'm "looking back" or embracing my "Crazy Cat Lady" I'll keep sharing, and letting it out.

Too Positive ????

There’s a lot in the press and media about being “positive” and not being “negative”, but what’s wrong with being negative? I’m not saying its ok to be negative all the time, but I do believe there is just as much damage to be done by being too positive as being too negative.

There is too much emphasis on being “positive” , it can be counterproductive for anyone struggling, whether it’s just in a moment or it’s something that’s being going on for a while, especially for those of us who struggle with depression. It’s not a choice we make.

It seems that it’s not “acceptable” to be too perfect on a magazine cover or too thin or too beautiful, as it creates an impossible /unrealistic image that people can never reach. But if someone is seen as “negative” that’s wrong.

The constant pressure to be positive is exhausting, especially when already fighting an internal battle of your own.

 I will admit there are times when someone being constantly negative, drives me mad ! 

I believe in the law of attraction, and being positive will bring its own rewards but I don’t believe there is anything wrong with being “negative” on occasions. I believe in the law of attraction, and being positive will bring its own rewards 

There will always times when we feel a little down or worse, sometimes it’s even necessary, we have to face the not so good, and deal with it, something can’t be covered with a smile, not dealing or facing a challenge can do so much damage, sometimes even years later.

If we all go blindly forward being “positive” all the time, then we will never question anything. I’ve been accused of being “negative” for simply questioning a change or scenario but it’s not negative to question something, if it doesn’t seem or feel right.

If people never question things then change can never happen. It only takes one person to question something to start a revolution. “votes for women” what if no one ever thought to question why we couldn’t vote, what if we all carried on being “positive” about it , changes never would have happened. It may seem a little dramatic but I hope you can see what I’m getting at.

Maybe if we took a moment to listen to that questioning voice, instead of criticising the “negative” point of view, we could make some truly positive changes and better support those of us who struggle whether in a moment or longer term. Moving forward in a way that is positive for everyone.

Crazy Cat Lady

I used to say I'd end up as a "Crazy Cat Lady with no Cats" !
Its something I had accepted as my fate, until I hit on a little snag, which effected my eligibility to be a Crazy Cat Lady with no Cats !
The snag is called Button, my first and so far only cat, so I suppose a small detour to being a Crazy Cat Lady with one Cat isn't too much of a change.


Now I'm not saying there is anything wrong with being a Crazy Cat Lady, its just I had always liked the uniqueness of the no cats part, bit like ordering a BLT with no T. Which I have done, more than once. (I'm not keen on tomatoes, sorry )


You may wonder about the no cats part, its not that I didn't like cats or want one, its just I never thought I could own one. I always thought I'd worry too much about him/her whenever they weren't home, the endless possibilities, of what could have happened would have driven me crazy/ or should I say crazier! There of course is the extra worry of living on a main road, the fact my front door is only two feet from the main road through the village.


Button is a house cat, which is how I have been able to deal with worry, of her going out, she doesn't go out, so I don't have to worry, magic the problem is solved !


I thought I'd end up a Crazy Cat Lady with no Cats, because I don't really have many friends, and no guys ever seem that interested, so I figured I'd always be alone i.e Crazy Cat Lady with no Cats.
I've solved the problem of the no cats part, so just need to fix the other part, but hey as I've solved one problem I'm sure I can sort the rest.
But as I've said there's nothing wrong with being a Crazy Cat Lady, so whatever I'm prepared.

You've come so far

People keep saying “you’ve come so far” or “look how far you’ve come” , but I still feel like I’m still in the same place, different, yes, but the same,  same situations, same worries and doubts, still feeling alone, still feeling like I don’t quite fit in, like there’s a barrier or line between me and everyone else.

What is it they see and I don’t ? or am I just better at hiding it?

By what measure am I doing better? How do they measure how far I’ve come ?

Being honest I know I’m doing better, I know some things have gotten better, every now and again I catch myself doing something I never thought I could or enjoying a moment, really enjoying it.

 But the doubts remain, the thoughts that run through my head are still questioning “am I good enough”, “do they really like me”, “am I just useful” or “giving them something they need at this moment” . Thinking/believing that they will get sick of me, bored and no longer want to spend time with me, that they’re only around because there is no better option and as soon as someone better/ more fun etc comes again I’ll be replaced.

Then I feel bad for thinking these bad thoughts about people, so I end up feeling worse, but so far this has been my reality. It’s hard to trust my own feelings and emotions. What if I believe and then it happens again and I’m alone again or I fail again.

It only takes someone not replying to a message or my Zumba class being a bit smaller than usual to throw me into a downward spin. My little doubt monsters are unleashed feeding on any small amount of worry.

Maybe and hopefully this is something I’ll learn to handle and even defeat. No longer allowing the monsters to feed on my fears and doubts.

This is something I’m doing better at, I’ve always been fighting and as long as give myself a moment to catch my breath and recharge my batteries I can keep fighting, keep improving and keep getting better.
I know I’m beating my depression, the battle with the monsters of poor self-esteem are harder to beat, but I will as they say “you’ve come so far” …..

Looking Back

It wasn’t until I started to feel better that I realised how bad I had felt for so long. The weight of my low mood was something I just accepted and never thought to question. It was just me; I was lonely, shy, unconfident, and had low self-esteem. It’s a little scary to realise that I had been existing for so many years without living, without ever feeling happy. I went to work, looked after my horse and went home every day alone. I never went out, saw anyone or did anything.


One day I joined a new exercise class. Suddenly, I had something to do, something I loved instantly. I quickly built a little confidence moving from the back of the class to the front row, going to as many classes a week as I could get to. I thought I was ok, I seemed to be making friends and I was no longer alone so much.


Looking back even though I felt better, the underlying self-esteem issues remained and continued to affect me each and every day and in every situation without me realising it.
I was making friends and getting fulfilment from helping and looking after others, but I wasn’t looking after myself. I thought I was getting better, I could see changes within myself and in my situation, and my life experiences were increasing.


But I was trapped in a negative cycle, thinking I was doing better, but being put down and criticised by those closest to me, undermining any confidence I had built, commenting on how other people didn’t like me, undermining any relationships I thought I had built. I became trapped, believing no one else would like me, feeling as though it was better to be in this negative situation, because at least I wasn’t alone.

 Looking back, I was still the lonely and sad person I was before, I was just busier and thought I was a least making a difference to someone.


Eventually things reached a point where I realised I needed help, not to get out of the cycle, as at the time I couldn’t see how bad it was, but to tackle the long standing self-esteem issues, thinking if I could just beat that problem everything else would just get better.
I started therapy and noticed some improvement but as I was trapped in a cycle, those improvements only went so far. I hit another low; all of a sudden I wanted to cry all the time. I was signed off work, the rest helped for a while and eventually a more understanding doctor started me on antidepressants, even though I was hesitant. I am so glad I did. Once the initial dose was increased I started to feel lighter and better. Over the next couple of months I continued to make improvements. However the negative cycle continued and stopped me getting better properly. I was being used and was exhausted, from doing too much and trying to get better despite the negativity I was subject to.


Thankfully the negative cycle was broken by the person herself and I was ‘thrown out’ of her life and that of her friends and family. Although they all meant a lot to me and it was incredibly hard and painful, it was undoubtedly the best thing that could have happened. Even though I was alone again I was free. I was free of exhaustion and of being expected to be available all day to run around after people, free of crushing negativity and constant criticisms, never being good enough and being made to feel I didn’t fit it.


Being alone was terrifying, but I was finally able to put into action everything I had been learning and working on.
There is now a light at the end of the tunnel, and I am working towards my new future, sometimes looking back is hard but also useful in guiding how to move forward and to remember how far you’ve come and where you don’t want to go back to and to see everything that lies ahead.


(originally written March 2017)