the boxes

Think I need some locks on my boxes or one way openings, so I can let stuff out, but also stop things going in.
There are parts of our brains that exist to keep us safe, our flight or flight reflexes developed to protect us from attack from wild animals and from dangerous situations. Now we no longer have to worry so often about wild animal attacks , so this part of our brain now try's to protect us from other "dangers" and pain.
In my case its the pain it wants to protect me from, but its kind of got out of control, its a little power hungry, with a mind of its own. I know it means well, but I do need to rein it in as I need to feel these things, I need to face things and fight them. When something not very nice happens I simply shut down, the pain and worry remain but some of the actual details can disappear. Which is sometimes good, some situations are best not remembered, these are the things we need forget to protect us.
But forgetting these things, for me it makes it very difficult to deal with the problem and to move on, it means I cant talk it through properly with someone, describe what is actually wrong.
Something happened this week which I found particularly difficult, having a moment when anger, and intense pain kicked in together, causing a "flight" reaction, then panic, sadness and despair. My body reacting with tears, shaking and feeling psychically sick. My mind causing these reactions, but also stuffing as quickly as possible some of the details as what had actually happened into one of my many boxes, which have a little room in them, thanks to my efforts in emptying these out to try make room for nicer things.
Having no control over what goes in the boxes means I'm left with pain, depression and confusion, struggling to make sense of anything, my mind shut down and I find it difficult to even function on a basic level.
It also means that opening the boxes to stuff in things, allows out the little monsters that eat away at my self esteem, their voices in my ears telling me I'll always fail, always be alone, never fit in and never be any better, that it wont matter how hard I work or the challenges I face I'll never be good enough or achieve my desires (if I ever figure these out). Once released they run wild getting involved every thought and moment, until I can stuff them away again, or I buckle under their weight, running out of energy to fight anything, once my energy has gone they no longer have anything to feed on so they go dormant for a little while.
I can be hard on myself then, believing everything was my fault and my reactions were all wrong, that I am in the wrong to feel the way to I do.
I must remember these reactions are "normal", its how are brains are naturally wired to keep us safe.
There are little ways to help me cope with those moments and the moments that follow.

The boxes will always be there but its what I can choose to fill them with in the future that matters.