LETTING IT OUT

One of the reasons I first started writing and how "Looking Back"(my first blog) came about was from a desire to get the thoughts, feelings, memories and experiences out of the little boxes I had hastily stuffed them in. Which gave me a false sense of strength, if I could just keeping going I would be ok. Locking them away meant I could carry on, whether it was trying to look after others though illness or emergency or just being able to turn up at work every day, when just turning onto the road to where I worked, flipped my stomach and left me feeling physically sick.
This feeling lasted for years after I left that job, it didn't matter the time of day or even the type of vehicle I was driving, when I made that turn, it was there. At some point it stopped I couldn't tell you when it happened whether it got slowly better or just stopped one day.
 This feeling came from the bullying I suffered in that particular job, and the complete destruction of my self esteem, from having every aspect of my personality and every thing I had ever done ripped apart. I tried to leave it all behind, instead of facing it and dealing with the emotions and pain, if I locked it away in its own little box it couldn't hurt me anymore.
Unfortunately it doesn't work that way, locking it away hid it from me, but it meant it all stayed there, like a parasite eating away at me, every little bit of me I rebuilt was always weak, undermined by the beliefs created by those cruel words and treatment, it would only take a harsh word or even sometimes a comment made in innocence, to loosen the ties on the boxes allowing the monsters space to escape and feed on any positive feelings, compliments or self esteem however weak, tricking me into believing that I was nothing, worthless and unimportant. That I would never be good enough at anything or fit in anywhere, that there was something wrong with me.
I tried to make fun of one piece of criticism especially as it was so ridiculous, but it was one of the hardest things to deal with. This criticism was I wasn't part of the team because I didn't drink enough tea ! even though I would make them tea even if I didn't want a cup myself, but being judged in that manner is something you can't fight, as silly as it was.
So now I'm trying to unpack these boxes, sometimes only small amount before I  need to shut it again or other times its simply thrown out as a whole, or letting them pour them out onto a page or keyboard and screen.
I've been lucky that I've been able to share my writing and experiences, and even more so that it has helped other people, from strangers to people close to me. Helping them feel less alone and even inspired.
Letting it out has helped me along my road to doing better, given me strength, emptying my boxes out onto paper, even if they are never read. Each word freeing me from the negative emotions and feelings. Making room for new stuff, happy memories and experiences, that feed my sole and self esteem.
I now have new things to write about, so whether I'm "looking back" or embracing my "Crazy Cat Lady" I'll keep sharing, and letting it out.