Goodbye

Its hard to say goodbye sometimes, or even admit you need to say goodbye to someone or something that’s no good for you.

The last time I needed to walk away from something, I hung on for way to long, I wish I could say I had the strength to walk away but I didn’t. Luckily the situation was ended and I was left lost and alone, I was able to find my way but hanging on so long meant a lot of damage was done.

I thought it was better to stay and wait it out till I was stronger. It’s a pattern I’m stuck in, not being strong enough to walk away from things I should.

Part of that is I haven’t had to in the past as friendships were always or seemed to be based on a need, someone needing me for something. The “friend” who sat with me at school cause they had no one else to talk to, spending hours listening to her moan about her life, only to have her to then spend the next hour complaining to mutual friends that I had been the one moaning, or the one that liked to put me down because it made her feel cleverer, being kept around because they basically had no one else left to lean on.

Eventually I am no longer required, no longer have a use, so I get “dropped”, left behind or suddenly realising there is a huge distance and its been ages since I saw them. I’m not saying everyone does it on purpose, or does it at all, I can only say it’s been my experience so far.

I also know its not always about me being useful, not everyone is “bad”, I know its just me, I must be hard to be around, hard to “love” as I do not know who or even how to trust people, keeping myself tightly wrapped up trying to keep myself safe. Not being able to trust my own thoughts or feelings. The times I’ve allowed myself to open up or believe in something, I got hurt, badly, left feeling alone and lost, and further behind from where I started from.
Feeling I have nothing to contribute to a conversation, or to a friendship, what do I really have to offer anyone ? other than my usefulness ? I usually feel like I there is something wrong or missing inside me, which means I don’t connect.

I need to find the strength, a way through to break away from negative experiences, find a way to break those bonds and be free and even alone because that is better than putting myself in a negative situation, that hurts me just because its “better” than the alternative. I know in reality that’s wrong and putting up with being hurt is no alternative. But having the strength to say Goodbye is another challenge.