new year

After weeks, or more likely months, we've been force fed the idea that Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year ! and for most it probably is, now we are in the middle of "most wonderful time of the year" and New Year excitement. Again being force fed the idea we have to be excited and will be partying, and celebrating and for many people I know its a fun time, we get time off work and get to spend time with loved ones.
But for some like me, who struggle with depression and or anxiety,  it can be really hard work, not that its hard to spend time with loved ones etc, I know I'm lucky to spend christmas with my family.
I don't wish to waste a moment of that time, but it can be exhausting, whether because your trying so hard to be present and "enjoy" yourself and have "fun" or from trying so hard to be ok, or just to keep up. I will at some point end up feeling guilty or bad for not spending as much time with loved ones as I can but I will need alone time at some point.
It all adds up to being a time of year I don't look forward to, spending time with my family is always special but the rest of the "christmas" stuff I really could do without.
Then after making it through the main days of Christmas you then have the new year to look "forward" to. Social media is full of the reflections of the past year and expectations of the year to come. I've never quite got the excitement of a new year, its just a change of number really. It is though a sort of line in the sand for people, a chance to start something new, or try something they haven't before. Exclamations that the year to come will be this and that.
I wish I could find the excitement in the New Year to come, but it fills me with fear, fear of things not getting any better, of the another "wasted" year, not getting any further forward or being any better, spending another year alone and lonely. I'd like to hope for a better future, but I've learnt that, that's not in my story, not in my future, I wasn't built like that. I don't believe it fate, or that things are designed to be a certain way, as I do believe you make your own future and destiny, but my past has taught me that to hope for better is to allow in the pain of loss and disappointment. I'm no longer or currently not strong enough face the fear of more failure and more let downs.


I know it sounds negative and I know things won't improve without effort from me, but its hard to see past the past and the let downs, to see that things can be better. When all the lights go out how can you see where to go?, you can stay still, move slowly, trip and fall, wait for the light to come back or stride on forward regardless of the dangers. I want to be someone who strides forward but I am at the moment somewhere between staying still and moving slowly, following a trip and fall. The resulting pain stopping me in my tracks.
As the new year starts I will look forward ,in my own way, and in my best way I can. The fall giving me/reminding me of something I need to work on or at least face, so the next trip maybe won't result in a fall or if it does means I'll be able to get up easier.
Either way another year is coming to an end with its ups, downs and confusions, and another one is starting which will contain, its own ups, downs and curve balls. Time will tick on and the number at the end of the date will change, the rest well ……… lets see .