Kind

Why can't we just be kind ?
Earlier this year there was a Be Kind movement, following the sad death of a celebrity by suicide. On the run up to her death she had been ridiculed and bullied mercilessly in social media and the press. People were campaigned for change, signed petitions, and shared posts calling for change. Yet a few months later, that seems have disappeared again, with yet again someone in the public eye, being made fun of on social media. People critizing policitians, their decisions or those supporting that decision or person.
Most recently theres been the "lockdown breakers" and "lockdown enforcers" , criticising those who have chosen to break the lockdown rules and those who have taken in upon themselves to police the rules, openly verbally attacking people, they believe have broken social distancing rules.
Following the sad and unjust death of a man in America, and the media reporting as an racist issue , as it was a white police officer that took the life of a black man. Personally a white guy killing a black guy or vice versa is not racist unless there is a racial motive, now I dont know what was in the mind of that police officer, so i'm not going to comment on the race row.  For me anyone dying at the hands of another is a tragedy, and even worse is if that person was someone whose job it is, as they say in America to "serve and protect".
Following the reports, protests started, and as a result of what was probably a minority these have turned violent, this is turn has created more news, more outrage and more upset. Rioting, looting, vandalism, assults (both a poeple and animals (police horses in london)) and even deaths.
Saldy what started out as peaceful protests, went from a way of trying to make a change to something that shared only hate, which in turn has created more hate, more arguements and more distress.

No real positive change can come from events like this when they take this turn.

But what if instead of protesting, instead of standing with a sign, sharing a black space or a #, people actually lived their lives with the change in mind they want, treating each and every person with kindness and respect no matter who they are, where they are from, who they love, or the colour of their skin.
Instead of sharing hate, sharing love.

Instead of sharing a # or post condeming something or someone,  you treat the next person you see with respect, letting someone a head of you in a queue, or sharing a smile, imagine the difference you could really make.

I remeber a quote from a victim of the Boston marathon bombing, " 2 people took weeks to plan out hate, but love responded in an instant" we may not be able to stop hate, but how we respond to it, is how we can really make a difference. The love shone to those victims far outweighed the hate of those bombers.

Sharing posts even as a way of saying its wrong and shouldnt happen, still shares it, no matter what you say, the image of hate is still being spread.

What if instead of sharing a post or commenting on a post with anger and condemnation, just because its different to your beliefs, you simply ignored that post, reported to the social media moderator, or unfollowed or even unfriended whoever shared it. By doing this the hate stops with that person/post.

I'm not saying we should ignore those injustices that happen in the world, but there must be a better way then sharing a image of hate with words to match.

Why can't we be kind?

Flood

There are those things in life you think and hope will never happen to you, whether it is where you live, the choices you make or clear denial, we all do it at some point.
For me one of those things I never though could happen to me, was a flood, I have lived in this village my whole life, always on a hill. My little sanctuary , my own little home, was even higher up the hill (mountain) than my family home. There's a waterfall in the village at the bottom and that has flooded, but I was on the side of a mountain, next to a quarry, I could never be flooded. You watch footage of floods on the news, and you can't imagine what those people are going though and what you do imagine, is bad enough, but isn't close to reality, as I now know.
Back on the 12th June, I followed the local news, and worried about being able to get home, and whether others I knew would be ok, as roads were flooded all around, weeks of heavy rain had resulted in flooding in our area. People were sand bagging at the bottom of my village around the waterfall as it was overflowing in some parts, and I even gasped in horror when I saw someone from the lower part of the village had water coming in their home. I left work a little early to be sure I would be able to get home ok, due to the road closures we'd already heard about. The roads were relatively quiet and I hit no closed roads, what a relief, as I past the front of my house I thought the footpath outside and the wall looked wet, so I thought the ground water had come up a little and was simply draining under the house ("hope it doesn't cause damp" I thought to myself) I arrived home and entered my back porch, to be met by water in my porch, water only an inch at the most filled my back porch, I looked through my back kitchen window wondering if the water from the porch had got into my kitchen and saw little wet paw prints, gutted the water had got under the door, "hope it hasn't gone too far" I thought to myself as I let myself in the back door and stepped into my house.


I don't think anything could of prepared me for what I saw next and as I stepped further in, the horror hit me, my house was flooded, my living room was full of water ! things were floating, the electrics were sparking, and my poor little Button was scared and sheltering on my sofa.
In those first few moments I cant remember what I was thinking, but I know, I was in a panic and wasn't breathing (well maybe a little)
I was standing in water in my kitchen looking into a flooded living room, my window was steamed up and the sound of the fizzing and crackling electrics was terrifying. I'm not sure when I started to cry, but as I rang my dad, I was sobbing. "what's wrong?" "have you called your mum?" "i'm on the way" a few bits I remember from my conversation with my dad, as through tears and shock I tried to tell him what was wrong, followed was a similar conversation with my mum, and as I waited for help, I phoned my work, as it was ten to five and I could let them know I would probably be late the next day! (probably one of those moments when your brain starts trying to fix things).
I can remember my mum arriving and insisting on turning off the electrics, which meant going in the water to reach it, and making her wear my wellies so she didn't get wet feet, rescuing Button, my dad arriving, texting my sister to let her know what happened and I wouldn't be able to come to help with the horses, and them all trying to help me, fishing things from the water, rescuing what we could, all the while, I was struggling to stay calm, just trying to breathe. Its going to be ok, was said over and over but I couldn't see how that would ever be true.
My little safe haven, my hiding place from the world and my own mind, was ruined, it was gone, my little piece of sanctuary, had been washed away. Ruined like a piece of pottery that's broken and glued back together, its nice even beautiful, but will never be as it was, and even if the decorators do the most amazing job, it wont ever be what it was for me.


Its almost 10 weeks, and I still cannot think of it without tears, part of the reason writing this has taken so long.
Its not just the initial shock and upset, while the water is there, its each step you take after, from the first thing of ripping the carpet up, to sorting through to see what belongings can be saved, to the builders coming to see what needs doing, the fact that things get worse as you go along, as more stuff has to be ripped out.
Watching them take away my furniture, was heart-breaking, they were items I had bought when I moved in and some I had bought while still living with my parents that I'd moved with, they were only material objects , but they each had a meaning or memory. Another hard day was the day the drying out started, something I'd waited 4 weeks for, and been so excited about , delayed because they found asbestos (lucky me) and having to have it removed, yet watching them remove wallpaper and some of the last pieces of skirting boards, broke me all over again, yet more of my little hidey hole was being damaged or taken from me. After 4 long weeks, of noisy machines, and extreme heat (well for my house) it was dry, yay, but a few days later, I found a favourite book that I thought had escaped, undamaged, was damaged beyond saving, another really hard blow, it was only a book, and a book I hadn't read in a while, but it was another symbol, another part of me, gone.
As much as I feel lonely a lot of the time, being on my own in my little house, curled up on the sofa, was my safe place, I could escape the world, and my own intrusive thoughts, I could cry my heart out, or ignore the thoughts and sadness, it didn't matter, either way, my house (and sofa, cushions and duvet) didn't judge, didn't have an opinion and didn't try to help. It was my last comfort blanket I had left and was taken from me in an instant.
When I go to my house, it feels like my house, but doesn't at the same time, the living room is basically a shell, empty with only the quarry tiles on the floor, bits of wallpaper and my curtains over the window that looks out on the road.
Everything that made it my home and safe, quiet zone, gone.
I'll get it back and it will look ace, I'll make sure of that, but how long it takes to be my safe place again I don't know.
Being able to curl up in my living room, is something I cant wait for, its lovely being home with my parents and am so lucky I can have this time with them, but I know for me to get the most of it, I have to have that quiet time , that lets my mind and soul heal a little and relax.
I'm so lucky I didn't lose more in the flood water, and I am so thankful for that.

Brave Pants

Losing my India my best (horse) friend, was incredibly tough, but there was an upside. It meant I was no longer paying rent or any of the expenses associated with owning a horse, which is turn allowed me to actually do some more riding. A little spare money at the each month meant I could afford to have a couple of riding lessons. 
It has been amazing getting back on a horse and being able to ride again, and it not feeling as scary as I thought it might. Being someone that always faced fears and had to fight nerves, I wondered if they would still effect me, whether in the same way or a different worse way. But my first lesson felt easy no sign of any nerves (other than the “its my first lesson in 8-10 years” nerves) , and getting compliments on my seat and ability in the saddle also went a long way to making this first lesson a big success for me. The following lesson again followed that same trend, with more compliments and some encouragement that I would soon be defeat, the biggest hurdle and fear (we’ll get to that bit).
I knew getting back to riding would probably mean facing and dealing with my 2 aim fears, (i) not being fully in control and (ii) jumping.
Thankfully I am now in a position to ride more often as my sister is allowing me to ride her horse, as she has a new horse to ride. 
The first few rides went well, there were probably nerves there but not really noticeable, even when I fell from the new horse, other than being rattled, I was able to get straight back on and ride. 
The more time spent on the horses, the more comfortable I am getting, which is how I can see there were some under the surface nerves.
So I decided it was time to grab my Brave Pants and wear them to ride ! and decided I was going to attempt some pole work and see how it felt. It was a last minute decision, but think that was the best way to go about it. I wanted to try it so i did.
I should probably explain the “big hurdle” now. About 8 years ago, when I was last riding before I retired India, I lost all my nerve when it came to jumping, I couldn’t even canter over a pole on the floor, I would pull out of jumps and poles on the floor, in panic, without being able to control my hand/arms, my subconscious was in control and I had no way of escaping, even trying to close my eyes didn’t work ! the only way to not pull on the reins would have been to not have any, which wasn’t going to happen (the other hurdle of being terrified of losing control)
I just decided that it was best to give up that aspect at the time, as it was only going to get worse.
But now I was ready to fight that again, I decided that it would be fine as my subconscious would have forgotten all about being scared and not get in the way this time.

So I announced to my sister I wanted to get over some poles even it was only in trot I was doing it, I pulled on my brave pants up and off I went, Moo, my sisters horse was brilliant and looked after me and we even managed to canter over the poles. I literally could have cried with happiness. This was a huge result and achievement for me.
I decided I wasn’t taking my brave pants off for anyone ! now I had managed the poles there was going to be no stopped me. 
Next was repeating the poles on the floor and then we added a cross pole, jumping from a trot but I was jumping, next I attempted to head at a jump in canter ! nerves got the better of me and I pulled out, but with help from my sister we went back to the canter pole and then slowly built it up to the size it was, it was small but it was a jump and I was going in canter. 😊
My Brave pants are now my favourite things, they may be metaphorical, but they are there and I’m keeping them. 
I’m taking it in small steps and setting goals, and I’m making the most of every moment, and celebrating every accomplishment.

comfort blankets

I've recently lost a few of my "comfort blankets/ safety nets", before losing them I was aware of them, 2 more so than the other.
The first was my Zumba, from when I first started attending classes it was a stress relief, an escape, the music and dancing freed me from doubts and worries, nervous tension was released. It was my coping mechanism for so many aspects. It also became something that grew my confidence and helped me overcome some of my self consciousness, generally this only extended to the classes, but it meant I was able to complete my Instructor course and get my licence, which lead on to eventually running my own classes.
Sadly after almost 2 years the class numbers dropped, it became more stress than a relief and the low numbers affected my self confidence. The low numbers moved my comfort blanket just enough to release some of my demons, reminding me I wasn't good enough. It became that it was doing more harm than good, so I had to decide to stop the classes, in the end it wasn't as hard a decision as I thought it would be, as it came as a relief in a way.
Once they had finished I no longer had that "comfort blanket" or safety net, to keep the stresses away and the inner demons ran free, playing on all my insecurities and doubts. See "you aren't good enough after all" your a failure, not likeable enough, you were wrong you weren't good at it and didn't do a good enough job. If I couldn't even make something I was passionate about work, then I was good enough to do anything,
In the following week, it became evident that my best friend for the last 18 years, my baby, my beautiful horse India wasn't doing so well. Her age had caught up to her, and after a few months of good and bad days, it was finally time to say goodbye. Even through she wasn't feeling great, she was still there for me, her unconditional love was something that never faltered. She loved the fuss and treats. Knowing it was my responsibility to care for her and deciding it was time to say goodbye , is one of the hardest and easiest decisions I've had to make, as I knew she wasn't well, and I could make sure she would no longer suffer, and prevent her from suffering as she continued to deteriorate.
It was far harder to make the arrangements and wait for it to happen then actually making the decision. Also the fact that I was losing my best friend , the constant, one "person" I could truly count on, was physically painful. No matter what she was there for me, no matter the day, time, weather... she was there, I could stand there in floods of tears and she would just stand with me, there was never any judgement she never gave advice, or shared her point of view, it was unquestioning love and support.
I was left feeling broken, there was a piece of me missing, there was a hole that couldn't be filled. A 18 year relationship gone, and suddenly after over 20 years, I didn't have a horse to look after, I didn't have to go to check on her, my days had been structured around horses for so long, that I was lost.   After only 2 weeks another comfort blanket was gone.
Within a few days, my 3rd and not so obvious safety net was removed. I've always been uncomfortable in crowds and having people behind me, even at home with my family I always had to sit with my back to the wall while at the dinner table. I have also become aware of a level of social anxiety I have developed.
Comfort blanket 3 was where I sat in work , now to some this would seem like no big deal, but where I sat was a "safe" zone for me, in a corner, away from the busiest area of the office. It meant I could cope with the day to stress of work. So when I was told I had to move to another desk, which position was the worst possible place for me to sit, I was terrified. Not only was I being moved to the most uncomfortable position I could of been moved to, it was following the loss of my 2 of my comfort blankets, I had no safety net to catch me and I falling.
The anxiety of having to sit where I was being told I had to sit despite discussing with my manager on multiple occasions how hard a move would be for me and telling her again once the move was announced, was unbearable. I never knew I had this level of anxiety, and had no idea how to cope.
Somehow I survived the first few days, I left work early and spent as much time away from my desk as possible, also as when I lost my first 2 comfort blankets, I cried and I cried a lot. I sort help from people, avoided thinking about any of it, and just kept trying to put one foot in front of the other.
This last few weeks have been tough, really tough but I am now moving closer to feeling better, and even without India, horses are still a big part of my life and I am always going to have them in my life and I will continue to dance, not Zumba but dance.

Walls

Walls, they are everywhere, I'm surrounded by them, both physical and mental. Some that I've built myself, others that are built by others.
The physical ones are usually there to keep you safe from something, to keep you warm, dry, protect your possessions or land, or to keep the bad things away. Some are built to segregate people or races. Both in the past and present walls are built to separate people usually for the gain of the few, without it mattering what the cost to those separated is.


Many walls are built by fear, both real and presumed danger, caused by facts, beliefs, experiences and words. We have an inbuilt part of us that is there to keep us safe, which in the past kept us alive, but now the dangers have changed, yet that part of our brain still exists and wants to do its job.


I haven't done much physical wall building, though I have done a little tiny bit. I do have some mighty mental ones, high and thick, totally impregnable. I don't remember building them or being aware of them going up, but they are there keeping me safe. I am aware of them almost all the time. They hide some of the bad stuff, that I don't want to think about, too keep them from causing more pain, but the walls also create their own pain, they keep people away, they keep me shut down and unable to open myself even the smallest amount. They block out the light and air, they cause constant questions and doubt, they create fear. This constant doubt and fear cause me to avoid situations, knowing I wont open up or talk, which means i'll be uncomfortable,  feeling silly for having nothing to say and even worrying someone will try to talk to me, the wall is there blocking any thoughts from forming or even reaching my lips.


My walls also have guards, they warn against lowering the walls, as if I speak, share or spend time with people the will see the emptiness I have inside, that I have nothing to offer, that I'm a "loser", different, and weird. They'll see there's not much to like. Exposing people to that inner me will make them leave and i'll be even more alone.
If people are there but not too close, I wont be totally alone, I know I cant live like that, because i'll end up hurting myself and others, (I already am) but I don't know how to be any different, the very rare occasion the walls have been breached a little and I've tried to put my trust in someone, I've been hurt, which has only made the walls stronger and thicker.


Some places have moats outside of the walls for added protection, I think mine are on the inside, and I think I may be lost in between the wall and moat, as i'm not sure I really know myself, or who I really am, I cant let someone see the "real" me as I don't know I know who that is or if I'd like that person. I've been told how strong I am but I don't know what it is they see , other than the walls I've built , that are sometimes the only thing that keeps me standing.

I don't want to have mental walls surrounding me and keeping me away from people, but i didn't choose to build them, and i don't know where the weak point is, but once i find it and figure out a way to pull them down, i'll be free of them.

dream over

I'm completely lost and want to cry all the time, I knew it was time and important for me to make the change I've just made for several reasons, but it hurts so much, all I can do is work really hard on thinking about anything else but that.
When I first discovered Zumba I never thought it would have such a huge impact on me, change so much and help be discover a side of me I didn't know existed.
I went from painfully shy and self conscious , not being able to speak in front of only 3 people, and basically having no life outside of work, to eventually running my very own Zumba classes, I was able to dance, be silly and even sing along at the top of my voice, on my little stage in my venue. I never believed I would be able to do any of that , I dreamed and wished for it, without much hope of it coming true, but dream I did.


I fought and fought to teach, challenged myself and never gave in. After ups and some horrible downs, and a few twists and turns. I found myself in a position where it was just about achievable, with encouragement of friends and family, and a new found strength, I set up and started Fearless Limitless Fitness !
It was ace from the first class, and it continued and I continued to grow in confidence and ability. I achieved my dream of teaching my own class, and it was a amazing, but I still had obstacle's to climb and things to fight through, demons from my past, older ones and more recent ones as well as the longstanding issues of shyness, self consciousness, and low self esteem.
But I wasn't going to let that stop me, I was living a dream come true, and flourishing in that, the longer the classes went on, the better the atmosphere got and the better I got as my confidence rose, and my shyness and self-consciousness shrank.
I would catch myself doing something I never thought (only dreamed of), I could do. There were those classes , songs or moments when I could of cried from pure happiness, beaming and glowing from joy ! in those moments I realised I had achieved everything I had dreamed of maybe even more.
Even on hard days, once the class started I was flying high, strong and confident.
It meant the world to me, to be able to call myself a Zumba Instructor and say I ran my own class, after so many let downs, challenges and failures in my past, I had finally achieved something, found something I might actually be good at.
For over eighteen months the class was brilliant, there were quiet times, but always a good turn out, last summer I got my best class numbers ever, which is when I had to start using the stage in my venue, as I needed the space !
But lately the numbers haven't been so good, I started having to cancel classes as I wasn't covering the cost of the room hire, I made changes to try and increase numbers and worked harder to make the classes better but for whatever the reason they didn't increase, and even dropped more.
I was devastated a few weeks ago after cancelling yet another class, I cried and cried, I was heartbroken, this thing I had worked so hard for and dreamed of was no longer there, it had got me through so many bad and stressful times, but now it was causing me pain and stress worrying I wasn't good enough and that people didn't like me, and just worrying if anyone would turn up.
I think I became tired, tired of the anxiety, and stress, exhausted of setting up and then taking the equipment down again, because no one came or only a couple came so I wasn't covering my costs.
I realised recently something in me had changed and I realised it was doing me more harm than good, or maybe my heart and head were finally on the same page, that my heart finally knew what my head had been saying, but I realised it was time to stop. I thought at first to just stop one class, but once I realised that it was happening and I couldn't do it anymore, I realised I had to stop altogether as I couldn't afford to run just the one class.
I knew it was going to be hard to let go of something that meant so much to me, the change of routine, the drop in my exercise amounts, the time I would spend looking for music and routines, planning and creating routines and playlist and the beautiful people I spent time with. I know the time was right and it needed to happen, but the pain is worse than I thought it would be, the sense of loss and fighting so hard to not let the thoughts in that it was me or my fault people didn't come, that I just wasn't good enough.
I cant think about it without getting upset, once the tears start they come hard, I fight to catch my breath, pain rushes up on me, shaking all I can do is try to breathe. To some it was just a hobby or something I did but for me it was so much more, it was proof I could do something , it was life changing and a dream come true.
That dream is now in the past, and what I have to remember is that even now its ended, it still happened, I got to do, what not everyone gets to do, I got to not only achieve a dream , but I got to live it.
I have more dreams we all do, whether we admit them or not. What's next I don't know or care at the moment, but i'll be taking the strength and sense of achievement I got from Zumba and teaching with me wherever I go.

Not again

Been having another wobble again lately, its gone from finally feeling and thinking that maybe just maybe I was getting better and could book an appointment with my GP to discuss reducing my antidepressants to feeing lost, low and tearful. We all have down days, whether we struggle with a mental health problem or not, they are a normal part of life and for me I know how those feel and how best to cope with them and recover if needed. However this isn't one of those days, its several days of down and not so down, to very down.
Its caught me out and come as a shock to be not ok again, its ok not to be ok, but its shocked me.
I've also noticed a big drop in confidence, my inner self esteem as well as my day to day confidence in myself. Something happened a couple of months ago that showed me my inner self confidence wasn't good, its something I hide from as I don't think about that stuff because it pulls me down and hurts too much. Running away and hiding from it, isn't a solution, but until then I thought things were getting better.
Depression has a habit of lying to you, and one of those lies, is "your not good enough" and other such things, so that could be a cause of my lower confidence but for me there's always been a link between my low confidence causing my lower mood. They can go hand in had, so it can be difficult to tell.
There's also the medical side of things, (my naughty thyroid) which I am aware of, and I will be checking.


One of the main thoughts that I have that fuels these feelings is the reply that comes to mind when someone says something positive. Its the one sentence that I cannot get past or find a way though or a way to deal with.
I know that depression lies to you and I often tell people that, but when its in my own head, those things are stronger and either my depression has found ways to combat the good or maybe its just something in me.


That sentence/ thought is "if that's true, why am I still …." and its almost always backed up with "x y z..... proves your right, thinking that" , in that past experiences prove whatever the negative is.
for example, If I'm such a nice/good person, then why am I alone ? You've never had many friends, so it must be something wrong with me.
I try to tell myself, that if I can accept things as they are, then it wont hurt so much. If I can accept that I'm always going to be alone, it wont hurt as much to be alone. If I accept that I'll never find love it wont hurt when I stay single. I mustn't of accepted these things yet, as I know I still hope for it and hope and dream of better things to come, but sometimes I do wish I didn't cause some of that pain wouldn't be there anymore.


I want to understand why I feel down or how its happened again, but part of me also just wants it to stop, wants to just feel better. I'm over it now, I'm fed up of these feelings, the exhaustion, tiredness and the constant fight.
I want to find a way through this and be better, find the strength to get past my worries and feelings, even just being able to accept those things that get me down.


Whatever the cause or reason, its happened again and I have to find a way.

new year

After weeks, or more likely months, we've been force fed the idea that Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year ! and for most it probably is, now we are in the middle of "most wonderful time of the year" and New Year excitement. Again being force fed the idea we have to be excited and will be partying, and celebrating and for many people I know its a fun time, we get time off work and get to spend time with loved ones.
But for some like me, who struggle with depression and or anxiety,  it can be really hard work, not that its hard to spend time with loved ones etc, I know I'm lucky to spend christmas with my family.
I don't wish to waste a moment of that time, but it can be exhausting, whether because your trying so hard to be present and "enjoy" yourself and have "fun" or from trying so hard to be ok, or just to keep up. I will at some point end up feeling guilty or bad for not spending as much time with loved ones as I can but I will need alone time at some point.
It all adds up to being a time of year I don't look forward to, spending time with my family is always special but the rest of the "christmas" stuff I really could do without.
Then after making it through the main days of Christmas you then have the new year to look "forward" to. Social media is full of the reflections of the past year and expectations of the year to come. I've never quite got the excitement of a new year, its just a change of number really. It is though a sort of line in the sand for people, a chance to start something new, or try something they haven't before. Exclamations that the year to come will be this and that.
I wish I could find the excitement in the New Year to come, but it fills me with fear, fear of things not getting any better, of the another "wasted" year, not getting any further forward or being any better, spending another year alone and lonely. I'd like to hope for a better future, but I've learnt that, that's not in my story, not in my future, I wasn't built like that. I don't believe it fate, or that things are designed to be a certain way, as I do believe you make your own future and destiny, but my past has taught me that to hope for better is to allow in the pain of loss and disappointment. I'm no longer or currently not strong enough face the fear of more failure and more let downs.


I know it sounds negative and I know things won't improve without effort from me, but its hard to see past the past and the let downs, to see that things can be better. When all the lights go out how can you see where to go?, you can stay still, move slowly, trip and fall, wait for the light to come back or stride on forward regardless of the dangers. I want to be someone who strides forward but I am at the moment somewhere between staying still and moving slowly, following a trip and fall. The resulting pain stopping me in my tracks.
As the new year starts I will look forward ,in my own way, and in my best way I can. The fall giving me/reminding me of something I need to work on or at least face, so the next trip maybe won't result in a fall or if it does means I'll be able to get up easier.
Either way another year is coming to an end with its ups, downs and confusions, and another one is starting which will contain, its own ups, downs and curve balls. Time will tick on and the number at the end of the date will change, the rest well ……… lets see .

Alone

Its been hurting again, that alone feeling, having almost no one to talk to and it hurting too much to actually speak about it. There have been people there who wanted to help but the pain was too bad and it meant facing some of my biggest demons, which I simply don't have the strength for.
I hadn't realised how large a couple of those particular demons were still until something in my personal life changed. I had put my trust into someone and that had put a "butterfly stitch " over the wounds I had , unfortunately these wounds hadn't healed so when that was removed all that pain flowed out again.
I crashed and felt like I was falling apart, I couldn't stop the tears and the pain made it difficult to breathe.
All my doubts and fears were released, running free. It took all my energy to be ok, if I let myself think about things, I would fall down, I never realised an internal pain could hurt so much, that it could take my breath away.
Having my faith in people tested after being let down, shook me to my core, realising that how I felt was different, that my mind had run away with me.
I had let my guard down and hoped for a better future, believing that maybe just maybe there was something more for me.
The questions of would I ever be normal, or have a normal relationship?, will I always be alone ? Why do I struggle so much with things that to everyone else is completely normal ?
 As much as I do try, I feel so uncomfortable around most people, I worry I'm not good enough, that I'm too different.
I know I'm not like most people, I know I'm different and I worry there is something wrong with me...………
wow I said it, but its true, I'm not going on my christmas works do, because of how uncomfortable I am in those situations, as much as I enjoy my time with my work colleagues and even like them (also true) those situations terrify me and exhaust me in trying so hard to be ok, when I simply am not.


I don't want to be alone, but I also cannot see anything different in my future, if I can't even cope with a works do, how am I ever going to be able to meet someone and even if I did , who would want me ? What would I have to offer them?
I have met so few people I have been able to talk to openly, even with them I find it difficult to be completely open and share what really goes on in my head sometimes. Those people made me feel a little less different, and gave me a glimmer of hope that things wouldn't always be so difficult.
having one of those people no longer be one of those people has been so difficult, and it has left me vulnerable to my demons again.
No one person can fix me I know that and I don't want anyone to, it not fair that just because I struggle with all those things most people don't , doesn't mean those one or two people should put up with me either.
I wish I could say or be ok, with being different, and I don't mean a little quirky, but I'm not because my different means I'm alone, and lonely, unable to fit in with others and never feel comfortable in social situations (even family times) .
I will always hope things will get better or at least I simply will find a way to be more comfortable in my own skin, or mind. I don't want to go through my life alone, but I worry things wont get any better. I don't know how to be different or find a way to be more comfortable, or have the strength to deal with those situations that I find so difficult.


 At least here I can share a little of it.

my thoughts havent been escaping

Its been a crazy and confusing few months, which has got in the way of writing . From shock to deep sadness, to relief and happiness and utter confusion.
My mind hasn't been able to cope and process the information and situations I've found myself in.
I usually find writing helpful, getting it out of my head, helping me make sense of things and face things I need to. Even when things get too much and I'm unable to actually speak, when the emotions go out of control the tears flow and I find it difficult to breathe making speaking impossible. Even when I can't see through the tears my pencil will keep moving, flowing across the page (though sometimes I can't always fully read what I wrote down), expressing all those things that get stuck inside.
It can be both good and bad, good as its therapeutic getting things out, and helps me face it, but also that means facing it which can be so painful, and exhausting. Sometimes I know its there but it just hurts too much. I won't think about it and escape by playing a game on my phone or tablet, or scrolling through social media, anything but let the cogs in my brain turn.
Sometimes it goes no further than a scribbled bit of writing, then other times if I can it will turn into a blog.


Until this last couple of weeks it has been confusion more than sadness that has blocked my writing, not being able to make sense enough to put pencil to paper, having nothing scribbled to transfer to type.
I ended up in a situation that I couldn't make sense of, having someone come back into my life, and being unsure as to why or if I really wanted them there, they persisted and I let my guard down a little but it left me very uneasy and uncomfortable, it brought back uncomfortable , painful memories and introduced questions I couldn't answer.
Thankfully things came out that made my decision for me, freeing me from the confusion and doubt, but also bringing with it, new questions and some confusion.
It turned things upside down for a while, everything I had believed in for the last almost 2 years , was wrong and everything I had thought before that time turned out to be true.
Although this also brought with it uncomfortable memories it also brought good memories too.
As the "dust" settled and things calmed down, all of this turned into a blessing renewing an old friendship and old relationships, lifting a weight I hadn't realised I was carrying around, and things started to make sense again.
It has been another painful couple of weeks but that's for another blog.

Roman

Last week I heard the news that a very special friend had passed away. Although I only knew him for a relatively short time, he made a huge impact on me and my life. He was beautiful to his very core, his soul, he only saw the beauty and joy in the world and the best in others.


There is a Robbie Williams song "One of God's better people" (a song he wrote for his mum) and although I'm not a very religious person, the title of this song perfectly sums up my friend.
He had the biggest heart and had the most beautiful soul of anyone I have ever met.
He would say "I love you" on every message he would send me, sometimes that would be all the message said.




It broke my heart to know I would never get to speak to him, or get another "I love you" , but also knowing the world had one less angel, and people who cared for him would be lost and hurting without him.




Worse still was I didn't get to say goodbye, I worried I hadn't told him how much he meant to me often enough.


Grief is one of the harder things we have to deal with, losing someone whether they were close to you or not leaves a hole in your life, a space that can't be filled. You have to carry on, but its a bit like trying to finish a jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces.
Depending on how close to that person you were, the size of that hole can be different, its a space that will never be filled. Others may come into your life and create their own space, but no one can ever fill that space.




I've been thinking of my friend, and the wonderful memories I have of him, the photo's and the feeling of being loved for simply being me, these things will help fill the gap left by him. Hopefully the gap will become less noticeable over time. But he'll always have a space in my heart and the positive effects of being lucky enough to know him, I will carry with me forever.




Rest In Peace Ramon, my beautiful friend.

Dedicated to Ramon Carlos Molina Muñoz

Fog

Sad, on edge, lethargic, anxious, short tempered, easily irritated, worried,  frozen, unable to concentrate or function.


Just some of the feelings and emotions over the last few days, some of it is just being tired. Tired from not sleeping, working too hard, from too much "peopling", or simply the effort it takes to overcome these things on a daily basis or even just to keep them at bay. This especially can leave me exhausted and feeling empty.


Guilty,  embarrassed, lazy, wasting my life.
 A few more thoughts and feelings, guilty for not going somewhere, or not doing something, feeling bad that I may have let someone down, or just simply I could do more. ( even though I am doing the best I can, guess that's me being too hard on myself)


I've been told I'm strong and to look at how far I've come and I can see that sometimes , especially the strong part as I must be, to have gotten this far.


But when days like this occur, its like a fog has descended obscuring my view, like a blindfold pressing on my eyes, with weights hanging off me, making every move 100x times harder than normal.
When the fog lifts and the weights fall away , I float out of the shadows and feel free and lighter again. I want to find a way of keeping the fog away, maybe a fan of some sort would help, if it was a fog I created , I would be able to stop it starting or at very least construct the right sort of fan to clear it away.
I have a couple of the components for the fan, rest being the main one, recharging when I feel it coming. Taking time to be quiet, be alone and relax.
The other is writing, putting pen to paper and talking like I am now about the confusion of thoughts , feelings and emotions or lack of them. Either letting them out or somehow sparking new ones to life, especially on my non functional days (as long as I can actually get pen to paper)


The fog can also carry pollutants , making things worse and giving you something else to battle.
The fog not only clouds your vision, it also hide's obstacle's , some that trip you, some to make you change course a little, and some that stop you in your tracks. Trapping you and slowing you down.


The fog also hides the good things which can be a good or bad thing, as sometimes its easier if you can't see what your missing, you can't beat yourself for missing something you can't see, but then its bad as you have nothing positive to reach for, if you don't see what your missing what have you got to aspire to?.


Its weird to think that I could wake up tomorrow and feel fine, no fog, no weights, I could also feel worse, heavier fog and heavier weights , or I could wake up feeling exactly the same.


I take all the positives of the day to bed with me when I go, allow myself time to relax and switch off and try and get a good nights sleep.
That is all I can currently do to improve things, how I feel when I wake is an unknown, that I don't need to worry about.
Either way its another day, another chance and another challenge to face. :)

Please

Please don't see lazy
Please don't see rude
Please don't see aggressive
Please don't see angry
Please don't see distant
Please don't see anti social
Please don't see it as a choice.
Please don't see it as about you
Please don't see uncommunicative
Please don't see uncooperative


Please don't think I'm not trying
Please don't think I'm not listening
Please don't think I don't care


Please don't take it personally
Please don't say you understand , cause I know you probably don't and I don't want you to


Please don't tell me to try harder
Please don't tell me to snap out of it or get over it
Please don't tell me all I have to do is see the bright side or find the positive


Please don't be offended if I don't answer
Please don't be offended if I say no to something, cause its an achievement just to give an answer.


I already worry I'm lazy,
I already worry I'm rude
I already worry I'm not trying hard enough,
But I also know the effort it takes each and every day to just be.


I already know how hard I work
I already know how tried I get


and I know I'm doing ok, and that's ok.

self esteem

Self esteem is a funny thing, for some its gives them a false sense of being, in self, skills or abilities for other its a debilitating problem.
For me its a challenge I've faced for some time, I'm not actually sure when it first reared its ugly head, it may have creeped up slowly, but there are a few moments that definitely fed or maybe fed on my self esteem.
From having "friends" who complained about me to others or made fun of me, to make themselves feel "cleverer", when still in school, to while in my first full time job, being bullied for months and then having everything about me ripped to shreds including the quantity of tea I didn't drink (that one I can now laugh about). As well as being told constantly I wasn't good enough, and people didn't like me, in a recent "friendship". Although hard at the time, I didn't realise the damage that was being done until most recently when it was too late.


I thought at first my depression was caused by my low self esteem, but I now know that isn't the case, for me its more the depression highlights the low self esteem,  as one of the symptom's of depression is low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness.


When my mood is better, its much easier to ignore the doubts and voices that remind me I'm not good enough at anything, clever enough, pretty enough, not likable or a good enough person.
When my mood lowers, like a dam gate being opened they rush back in full force, stopping me in my tracks and exacerbating the low mood.


There are moments that catch me out, little things that shouldn't really effect me but shine a light on my low self esteem demons.
Getting a compliment for instance, my brain goes into over drive questioning the all sorts of things, why? do I really deserve that?
A small misunderstanding with someone, or a simple comment is all it takes sometimes.
Yesterday I was sent a beautiful quote, it left me feeling very emotional, cause I didn't believe it about me, it couldn't possibly be true, it was a weird mix of emotions, sad and happy. A lovely feeling that someone could think that of me, but also sad because to me its just not true.
Why can't I see that in me ? 
I have glimmers of hope and improvement, I'm stronger now and its easier to believe in the good these days, but these can also make the bad days feel worse, its disappointing when I realise they are still there and able to make me feel so awful.
I've learnt ways of coping with these bad days, and I'm working on making the most of the good moments.

figuring things out

A little while ago I wrote about not being able to put my finger on what I was feeling. I was feeling very sad, down and struggling to do things. I was worried that maybe I was getting poorly again, without really being sure as to why.
The more time went on the more, the more my mood fell and the more my naughty little monsters in my subconscious got free and this just made things worse.
Thankfully this time, it appears it was more of a physical health rather than a mental health thing, in that my thyroid levels had dropped again and this seemed to be the cause, following a change in my medication I've gone from feeling like I wanted to cry all the time and feeling unable to function, to feeling relatively normal again.
It may sound a little strange but it was a relief to find out there was something wrong, something possibly causing the feelings, as its sometimes hard to feel so low and have no tangible reason why. Knowing it wasn't me, in a sense, something out of my control, helped.  You can't fix something if you don't know what's broken.
Its also been a good reminder that I'm still not where I need to be and there are still plenty of monsters in my head I need to defeat. Its disappointing that they are still there and still so destructive and powerful. I've tried not to allow them any power, but once my mood drops they gain power and strength.
You can feel so powerless, the overwhelming sadness, despair and hopelessness is so strong, its a challenge to simply open your eyes in the morning let alone get up and out of bed. The more you fight and struggle with these mundane tasks the more physically and mentally tired you get, the more your mood drops, its a vicious downward cycle. If you add into this the misunderstanding of others and the (probably) well meaning but normally hurtful comments, "you need to try harder", "push yourself" , "need to snap out of it" , or "get over it" can and usually do way more harm than good.
You just want to shout, "its not that easy", "don't you think if it was that easy I would", "do you really think I choose to feel this way", not many people choose to feel depressed, there are probably some out there that may, because it suits them or gets them something they feel they need, but for most of us its not.
Its hard to admit and talk about, but for those of us brave enough to admit and talk about it, to have it dumbed down, that you can just "snap out of it" is crushing.
Also for me the constant "you can talk to me" again I know they mean well and are trying to help, but when you don't know how you feel or don't know why you feel like this or where its come from, you can't, there's simply nothing to say. Sometimes you just need someone to say its ok, I'm here for you, here's a hug. "Hugs always help "
I don't want anyone to stop asking if someone is alright or offering that they can talk if they need to, because there are times when you need to talk, knowing there is someone you can talk to is so powerful.
So at least this time, although its been a tough few weeks, I have a reason behind it and a solution and thankfully I'm on the way up again.
Its hard not to be able to put your finger on a feeling, but it doesn't mean you can't change it , or find a solution.

Lonely

I hear it a lot, and its been commented on my previous blogs, that "you do have friends"
Now I don't want to sound horrible, ungrateful or insulting to those people, but if this is the case, why am I always alone ?
I never hear from anyone, once I finish work, unless its a Zumba night I won't speak to anyone until I arrive at work or the gym the next day. Even when I arrive at work, I still feel completely and utterly alone.
I don't blame anyone, its on me, because why would I hear from anyone when I won't generally contact people either, even if I do pluck up the courage to message someone (forget ringing) then I spend ages planning what to write, but that is the rare occasion I have something to say. I have spent more than a day planning what I wanted to say, even before working up the courage to send a message. I do sometimes worry I talk too much, on the odd occasion, because I haven't talked to anyone for so long, I'll talk and talk without really having a conversation, which isn't nice for the other person.
When I'm at work, I never actually feel like I fit in, I feel different , stupid, and worthless. I struggle to join in to conversations or follow them, I worry I will misunderstand and make myself look stupid, or I'll get something wrong. I'm scared to speak up or make suggestions or even ask a question, because I have been so regularly shouted down and talked down to. Even at salsa I don't feel I fit in, but at least its noisy so I don't have to worry so much about proper conversation.


I have people who care about me and do take the time and effort to talk to me and support me, and I'm incredibly grateful to them as it must be an immense challenge, it can't be easy to be around me , I know I must be hard work. I've definitely been told it a few times, but I also feel it, if I find it exhausting , what must it be like for them?


I know its Ok to be different, and that some people embrace it and its what makes them special, but for me I feel too different or a different type of different, in a way that's isolating and very lonely.


Even when I have been in a situation when I thought I had a good friend or two, I never actually felt like it was their choice, or they were choosing to be my friend, in the back of my mind was that I was a 2nd choice, there by default or because they were friends with someone else. People probably didn't mean to make me feel like that, and probably didn't realise they were doing it. There has been the exceptions but I choose to believe that mostly its not been on purpose.
I may be unfair in saying it, but I've almost never felt like someone wanted me for me, not for something I could do, something I could help with, or escape from someone or something, or just they had no one else at that moment in time,


I debated writing this as I don't want to hurt anyone, or sound ungrateful for what I do have, but sometimes I just have to get it out, and sharing it can help me, and has the potential to help someone else. Trying to explain what goes on in my head, and having feedback that I'm not alone.
I saw a brilliant blog the other day "this is what depression looks like". It was honest and open and like the writer had seen inside my head or life, it was so good to see someone felt like I did and I wasn't alone or abnormal for feeling this way.
For me its getting those thoughts out as well as Thanking those who do "put up with me" xx

Social Noooo? part 2

Battling my social anxiety, is an ongoing challenge. For me its not just going out, it can be simply going over to someone's house.
It can be sometimes easier to say why you don't want to go out, or just avoid it all together but not visiting people can be even harder, how do you say you're terrified of going to someone's house, without hurting their feelings, how do you explain its not about them, but that your scared of everything else, not having anything to say, them just not liking you, feeling silly cause you cant keep up with the conversation or worrying you wont know what's being talked about.
I faced some of that fear recently, at first I felt so energized and proud of myself, tiring and very empowering, but completely exhausting, surely it shouldn't be so hard to just visit someone, or go and do something you love.
For me this is my reality, and its a fight that I don't have the energy for most of the time. By the time I've gotten through the "normal things" I have nothing left for anything else.
Although I found it energizing and empowering for at first that I had managed to visit an old friend and the day after managed the trip to salsa, but after only a couple of hours at salsa the mental exhaustion of trying so hard to be present and make it to either places caught up and I was sat there, basically using what little energy I had left to stay there, fighting the desire to run, determined to make it a little longer , willing myself to enjoy it more and stay.


For a long time my stubbornness or bloodymindedness as I called it, got me to Salsa , people would comment how brave I was, or how they couldn't do it. But not going and missing it was worse and I wasn't going to let the lack of someone to go with mean I didn't go. In all honestly I didn't enjoy the nights I went on my own as much, looking back , it was hard work, fighting the demons in my head, feeling silly being on my own, having no one to go with. Feeling self-conscious being there alone.
I'm not sure why things changed, maybe I just got tired of trying so hard, shouldn't have got easier eventually?
I've been told I should join clubs etc to make new friends but if its such a huge effort to go to somewhere where I actually know people and there is something I really love doing when I get there, how am I supposed to make it somewhere I don't and don't know anyone? where would I find the strength and energy?, when I cant win the battles I face on a day to day basis.
There's always another Salsa night or opportunity to make that visit or even try joining that new club, so I will keep trying and fighting.

tears

I just feel like I could cry, the tears are there, just behind my eyes, my eyes stinging with the start of tears, but they just don't want to come out. I'm not entirely sure why or the cause but its there and its not a nice feeling. The last time I felt tearful similar to this but worse at the time, was when I hit my lowest and had to have time off work. Its strange because I don't feel anywhere as bad as I did then and I have so many other things that are better now, but its there, just sneaking a look, behind my eyes. There's also the anxious, worked up,stressed out, and easily annoyed, which could be the cause of  the feelings but also could be part of it.
Everything feels like its going wrong and the smallest thing feels huge. If I comment to someone, that there's a problem with something I'm dealing with, I don't get the answer or reply I need, but is this because of how I'm feeling or is it how I'm dealing with it and reacting to it or is it that they don't care, am I just "complaining again".
I shouldn't feel this bad its only work, but I dread going in the morning, feel overwhelmed soon after arriving and feel the weight of it long after I've left. Why do others seem to have it easier? why are others seemingly allowed to make mistakes? why do I get stuck dealing with the issues? and why do I allow it to bother me.
Sometimes I just think, if the tears could come out I would feel better, maybe letting them all go would help, but would I be able to stop?. They wont come when I need it most, it always seems to be at an inconvenient time or for something less important.
People say it's only work, I say it too, but it takes up such a big part of the day, not just the 8 or so hours your actually in work for but if your dreading it beforehand, its exhausting you while your there, and worrying you after you've left it fills up so much more.
It may not be work though it could be something else, maybe I'm just not doing as well lately, maybe I'm tired, or worried about something.
Just as I was feeling better, its come again, I am handling things better, how does it jump out and still catch me unawares.
One of the frustrating things is not being sure why, I'm sure I could feel better if I knew why or where it was coming from.
I'm sitting here trying to make sense of it, the only time I've not felt tearful since I got up this morning was the hour I was teaching my Zumba class, and maybe half an hour after but by the time I was driving home it was there again. I then worry about feeling that way again, and it makes things worse. It generally helps to write about it, it either pushes me to face the feelings or by writing them down it gets some of it out of my head.
So off to bed I go trying not to be too hard on myself for not feeling so good.
Tomorrow's another day, fresh morning and a chance to feel better and different.

You're Worth It

"You're Worth It" 3 little words, 12 letters. Yet they can mean the world.
As someone who has struggled with pitifully low self esteem and depression, having someone say that is amazing !
This week I celebrated my Zumba "birthday" 12 months since I started my own classes ! I was well and truly surprised and blown away when I arrived at my venue to find it fully decorated by some of my ladies, they had fancy dress and accessories ! I got gifts and cards ! I simply had not expected it and it really was mind blowing, later that evening I posted a thank you on my Facebook page and one of the comments was those 3 little words ! Not only did someone say it, but they had already made me feel it.
It can be hard to accept compliments and praise when struggling with low self esteem, even though its what you desperately what to hear it, when you do, you tend not to believe it or almost not want to believe it, just in case its not true. Those pesky little voices that say "they're only being nice" etc tend to pop up, or for me its also that I got so used to be knocked down again, you can be scared to believe it, cause it hurt so much more when the fall came.
The old adage that "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" is a lovely idea, but unfortunately words can cause so much more damage, especially if combined with matching actions , and or from someone who claims and pretends to care and have your best interests at heart.
You can doubt what your hearing or how your being treated, but if its coming from someone you had put your trust in and claims to care, it can be a very confusing situation and it only takes the tiniest thing that possibly backs up the negative, to allow the negative take over.
The inner battle of who and what to believe is exhausting, the not knowing what to trust, has a negative effect on your self esteem, further chipping away at you. It can cause you to doubt everything and everyone, and unfortunately its always easier to believe the negatives, which isn't a choice you make, it is your brains way of trying to keep you safe.
The best way to win this battle is to simply stay away from those who are negative towards you or around you, which is always easier to say than do. You don't trust yourself anymore. Luckily for me as I've said before I was removed by some of the people involved in some of the criticism so the cycle was broken for me.
Unfortunately the damage was done, and repairing that is a long process. I now concentrate on the people who are happy for me to succeed and want me to do well, the people who are willing to remind me of the positives.
Every "great class" ,"fab class as always" ,"you're worth it" and "  Great class and I for one are so glad you returned to do what you do best Zumba, nobody puts Lisa in the corner happy dancing 💃" mean the world to me, and even though I sometimes don't know how to respond to you, I really do appreciate it. xx

putting my finger on it

In a funny mood today, can't quite put my finger on it, but then again you can't generally put your finger on a mood or feeling can you?
You can feel the results, the tension, shaking, tears or feeling sick, but the mood itself isn't truly touchable. Like air its all around you can feel it moving when the wind blows, it can feel cool or warm but you can't actually touch it. Put your finger on it.
It can be very frustrating when you feel something but aren't sure what it is or why, like trying to grab a handful of air !
When I'm having one of these days I find it best not to overthink it, or to think about it at all, I just try to accept I'm having one of "those days", and allow myself to rest and relax. There's no point in overthinking or worrying about these things, as that point I cannot change the outcome or feelings at that moment I can only look after myself.
The hardest part is the result of these feelings or moods, usually it means I struggle to get anything done, I can't concentrate, or motivate myself to do much at all, food has become one of my bigger struggles, I just can't face eating, I don't want anything to eat at all, even if I do feel hungry , I can't face anything let alone making anything.
I feel very shut down, and have no desire to do anything, usually it only lasts a day or so, but I can feel the effects for a few more days, I've learnt the effects of not eating enough on my system especially when doing my Zumba classes, the tiredness making me doubt my ability to teach and whether I'm doing a good enough job.
It would be nice if I could find an answer as to why, because then I would be able to put things in place to maybe prevent it recurring, make changes to help avoid things, or at least cope better when it does occur.
I hate the feeling, its a weird mixture of sad, lonely, tired, lost and stuck, like moving in slow motion or even not moving at all, time can pass without me doing much at all. Its frustrating having stuff to do and not being able to connect the dots , get my brain working. Its hard to explain and I know some people cannot understand it, which can make things harder on me or anyone struggling with something.
For now I'll continue to deal with the effects as best I can while keeping an eye out for the why. Then maybe I'll be finally able to put my finger on it.