dream over

I'm completely lost and want to cry all the time, I knew it was time and important for me to make the change I've just made for several reasons, but it hurts so much, all I can do is work really hard on thinking about anything else but that.
When I first discovered Zumba I never thought it would have such a huge impact on me, change so much and help be discover a side of me I didn't know existed.
I went from painfully shy and self conscious , not being able to speak in front of only 3 people, and basically having no life outside of work, to eventually running my very own Zumba classes, I was able to dance, be silly and even sing along at the top of my voice, on my little stage in my venue. I never believed I would be able to do any of that , I dreamed and wished for it, without much hope of it coming true, but dream I did.


I fought and fought to teach, challenged myself and never gave in. After ups and some horrible downs, and a few twists and turns. I found myself in a position where it was just about achievable, with encouragement of friends and family, and a new found strength, I set up and started Fearless Limitless Fitness !
It was ace from the first class, and it continued and I continued to grow in confidence and ability. I achieved my dream of teaching my own class, and it was a amazing, but I still had obstacle's to climb and things to fight through, demons from my past, older ones and more recent ones as well as the longstanding issues of shyness, self consciousness, and low self esteem.
But I wasn't going to let that stop me, I was living a dream come true, and flourishing in that, the longer the classes went on, the better the atmosphere got and the better I got as my confidence rose, and my shyness and self-consciousness shrank.
I would catch myself doing something I never thought (only dreamed of), I could do. There were those classes , songs or moments when I could of cried from pure happiness, beaming and glowing from joy ! in those moments I realised I had achieved everything I had dreamed of maybe even more.
Even on hard days, once the class started I was flying high, strong and confident.
It meant the world to me, to be able to call myself a Zumba Instructor and say I ran my own class, after so many let downs, challenges and failures in my past, I had finally achieved something, found something I might actually be good at.
For over eighteen months the class was brilliant, there were quiet times, but always a good turn out, last summer I got my best class numbers ever, which is when I had to start using the stage in my venue, as I needed the space !
But lately the numbers haven't been so good, I started having to cancel classes as I wasn't covering the cost of the room hire, I made changes to try and increase numbers and worked harder to make the classes better but for whatever the reason they didn't increase, and even dropped more.
I was devastated a few weeks ago after cancelling yet another class, I cried and cried, I was heartbroken, this thing I had worked so hard for and dreamed of was no longer there, it had got me through so many bad and stressful times, but now it was causing me pain and stress worrying I wasn't good enough and that people didn't like me, and just worrying if anyone would turn up.
I think I became tired, tired of the anxiety, and stress, exhausted of setting up and then taking the equipment down again, because no one came or only a couple came so I wasn't covering my costs.
I realised recently something in me had changed and I realised it was doing me more harm than good, or maybe my heart and head were finally on the same page, that my heart finally knew what my head had been saying, but I realised it was time to stop. I thought at first to just stop one class, but once I realised that it was happening and I couldn't do it anymore, I realised I had to stop altogether as I couldn't afford to run just the one class.
I knew it was going to be hard to let go of something that meant so much to me, the change of routine, the drop in my exercise amounts, the time I would spend looking for music and routines, planning and creating routines and playlist and the beautiful people I spent time with. I know the time was right and it needed to happen, but the pain is worse than I thought it would be, the sense of loss and fighting so hard to not let the thoughts in that it was me or my fault people didn't come, that I just wasn't good enough.
I cant think about it without getting upset, once the tears start they come hard, I fight to catch my breath, pain rushes up on me, shaking all I can do is try to breathe. To some it was just a hobby or something I did but for me it was so much more, it was proof I could do something , it was life changing and a dream come true.
That dream is now in the past, and what I have to remember is that even now its ended, it still happened, I got to do, what not everyone gets to do, I got to not only achieve a dream , but I got to live it.
I have more dreams we all do, whether we admit them or not. What's next I don't know or care at the moment, but i'll be taking the strength and sense of achievement I got from Zumba and teaching with me wherever I go.