Walls

Walls, they are everywhere, I'm surrounded by them, both physical and mental. Some that I've built myself, others that are built by others.
The physical ones are usually there to keep you safe from something, to keep you warm, dry, protect your possessions or land, or to keep the bad things away. Some are built to segregate people or races. Both in the past and present walls are built to separate people usually for the gain of the few, without it mattering what the cost to those separated is.


Many walls are built by fear, both real and presumed danger, caused by facts, beliefs, experiences and words. We have an inbuilt part of us that is there to keep us safe, which in the past kept us alive, but now the dangers have changed, yet that part of our brain still exists and wants to do its job.


I haven't done much physical wall building, though I have done a little tiny bit. I do have some mighty mental ones, high and thick, totally impregnable. I don't remember building them or being aware of them going up, but they are there keeping me safe. I am aware of them almost all the time. They hide some of the bad stuff, that I don't want to think about, too keep them from causing more pain, but the walls also create their own pain, they keep people away, they keep me shut down and unable to open myself even the smallest amount. They block out the light and air, they cause constant questions and doubt, they create fear. This constant doubt and fear cause me to avoid situations, knowing I wont open up or talk, which means i'll be uncomfortable,  feeling silly for having nothing to say and even worrying someone will try to talk to me, the wall is there blocking any thoughts from forming or even reaching my lips.


My walls also have guards, they warn against lowering the walls, as if I speak, share or spend time with people the will see the emptiness I have inside, that I have nothing to offer, that I'm a "loser", different, and weird. They'll see there's not much to like. Exposing people to that inner me will make them leave and i'll be even more alone.
If people are there but not too close, I wont be totally alone, I know I cant live like that, because i'll end up hurting myself and others, (I already am) but I don't know how to be any different, the very rare occasion the walls have been breached a little and I've tried to put my trust in someone, I've been hurt, which has only made the walls stronger and thicker.


Some places have moats outside of the walls for added protection, I think mine are on the inside, and I think I may be lost in between the wall and moat, as i'm not sure I really know myself, or who I really am, I cant let someone see the "real" me as I don't know I know who that is or if I'd like that person. I've been told how strong I am but I don't know what it is they see , other than the walls I've built , that are sometimes the only thing that keeps me standing.

I don't want to have mental walls surrounding me and keeping me away from people, but i didn't choose to build them, and i don't know where the weak point is, but once i find it and figure out a way to pull them down, i'll be free of them.