Not again

Been having another wobble again lately, its gone from finally feeling and thinking that maybe just maybe I was getting better and could book an appointment with my GP to discuss reducing my antidepressants to feeing lost, low and tearful. We all have down days, whether we struggle with a mental health problem or not, they are a normal part of life and for me I know how those feel and how best to cope with them and recover if needed. However this isn't one of those days, its several days of down and not so down, to very down.
Its caught me out and come as a shock to be not ok again, its ok not to be ok, but its shocked me.
I've also noticed a big drop in confidence, my inner self esteem as well as my day to day confidence in myself. Something happened a couple of months ago that showed me my inner self confidence wasn't good, its something I hide from as I don't think about that stuff because it pulls me down and hurts too much. Running away and hiding from it, isn't a solution, but until then I thought things were getting better.
Depression has a habit of lying to you, and one of those lies, is "your not good enough" and other such things, so that could be a cause of my lower confidence but for me there's always been a link between my low confidence causing my lower mood. They can go hand in had, so it can be difficult to tell.
There's also the medical side of things, (my naughty thyroid) which I am aware of, and I will be checking.


One of the main thoughts that I have that fuels these feelings is the reply that comes to mind when someone says something positive. Its the one sentence that I cannot get past or find a way though or a way to deal with.
I know that depression lies to you and I often tell people that, but when its in my own head, those things are stronger and either my depression has found ways to combat the good or maybe its just something in me.


That sentence/ thought is "if that's true, why am I still …." and its almost always backed up with "x y z..... proves your right, thinking that" , in that past experiences prove whatever the negative is.
for example, If I'm such a nice/good person, then why am I alone ? You've never had many friends, so it must be something wrong with me.
I try to tell myself, that if I can accept things as they are, then it wont hurt so much. If I can accept that I'm always going to be alone, it wont hurt as much to be alone. If I accept that I'll never find love it wont hurt when I stay single. I mustn't of accepted these things yet, as I know I still hope for it and hope and dream of better things to come, but sometimes I do wish I didn't cause some of that pain wouldn't be there anymore.


I want to understand why I feel down or how its happened again, but part of me also just wants it to stop, wants to just feel better. I'm over it now, I'm fed up of these feelings, the exhaustion, tiredness and the constant fight.
I want to find a way through this and be better, find the strength to get past my worries and feelings, even just being able to accept those things that get me down.


Whatever the cause or reason, its happened again and I have to find a way.