dream over

I'm completely lost and want to cry all the time, I knew it was time and important for me to make the change I've just made for several reasons, but it hurts so much, all I can do is work really hard on thinking about anything else but that.
When I first discovered Zumba I never thought it would have such a huge impact on me, change so much and help be discover a side of me I didn't know existed.
I went from painfully shy and self conscious , not being able to speak in front of only 3 people, and basically having no life outside of work, to eventually running my very own Zumba classes, I was able to dance, be silly and even sing along at the top of my voice, on my little stage in my venue. I never believed I would be able to do any of that , I dreamed and wished for it, without much hope of it coming true, but dream I did.


I fought and fought to teach, challenged myself and never gave in. After ups and some horrible downs, and a few twists and turns. I found myself in a position where it was just about achievable, with encouragement of friends and family, and a new found strength, I set up and started Fearless Limitless Fitness !
It was ace from the first class, and it continued and I continued to grow in confidence and ability. I achieved my dream of teaching my own class, and it was a amazing, but I still had obstacle's to climb and things to fight through, demons from my past, older ones and more recent ones as well as the longstanding issues of shyness, self consciousness, and low self esteem.
But I wasn't going to let that stop me, I was living a dream come true, and flourishing in that, the longer the classes went on, the better the atmosphere got and the better I got as my confidence rose, and my shyness and self-consciousness shrank.
I would catch myself doing something I never thought (only dreamed of), I could do. There were those classes , songs or moments when I could of cried from pure happiness, beaming and glowing from joy ! in those moments I realised I had achieved everything I had dreamed of maybe even more.
Even on hard days, once the class started I was flying high, strong and confident.
It meant the world to me, to be able to call myself a Zumba Instructor and say I ran my own class, after so many let downs, challenges and failures in my past, I had finally achieved something, found something I might actually be good at.
For over eighteen months the class was brilliant, there were quiet times, but always a good turn out, last summer I got my best class numbers ever, which is when I had to start using the stage in my venue, as I needed the space !
But lately the numbers haven't been so good, I started having to cancel classes as I wasn't covering the cost of the room hire, I made changes to try and increase numbers and worked harder to make the classes better but for whatever the reason they didn't increase, and even dropped more.
I was devastated a few weeks ago after cancelling yet another class, I cried and cried, I was heartbroken, this thing I had worked so hard for and dreamed of was no longer there, it had got me through so many bad and stressful times, but now it was causing me pain and stress worrying I wasn't good enough and that people didn't like me, and just worrying if anyone would turn up.
I think I became tired, tired of the anxiety, and stress, exhausted of setting up and then taking the equipment down again, because no one came or only a couple came so I wasn't covering my costs.
I realised recently something in me had changed and I realised it was doing me more harm than good, or maybe my heart and head were finally on the same page, that my heart finally knew what my head had been saying, but I realised it was time to stop. I thought at first to just stop one class, but once I realised that it was happening and I couldn't do it anymore, I realised I had to stop altogether as I couldn't afford to run just the one class.
I knew it was going to be hard to let go of something that meant so much to me, the change of routine, the drop in my exercise amounts, the time I would spend looking for music and routines, planning and creating routines and playlist and the beautiful people I spent time with. I know the time was right and it needed to happen, but the pain is worse than I thought it would be, the sense of loss and fighting so hard to not let the thoughts in that it was me or my fault people didn't come, that I just wasn't good enough.
I cant think about it without getting upset, once the tears start they come hard, I fight to catch my breath, pain rushes up on me, shaking all I can do is try to breathe. To some it was just a hobby or something I did but for me it was so much more, it was proof I could do something , it was life changing and a dream come true.
That dream is now in the past, and what I have to remember is that even now its ended, it still happened, I got to do, what not everyone gets to do, I got to not only achieve a dream , but I got to live it.
I have more dreams we all do, whether we admit them or not. What's next I don't know or care at the moment, but i'll be taking the strength and sense of achievement I got from Zumba and teaching with me wherever I go.

Not again

Been having another wobble again lately, its gone from finally feeling and thinking that maybe just maybe I was getting better and could book an appointment with my GP to discuss reducing my antidepressants to feeing lost, low and tearful. We all have down days, whether we struggle with a mental health problem or not, they are a normal part of life and for me I know how those feel and how best to cope with them and recover if needed. However this isn't one of those days, its several days of down and not so down, to very down.
Its caught me out and come as a shock to be not ok again, its ok not to be ok, but its shocked me.
I've also noticed a big drop in confidence, my inner self esteem as well as my day to day confidence in myself. Something happened a couple of months ago that showed me my inner self confidence wasn't good, its something I hide from as I don't think about that stuff because it pulls me down and hurts too much. Running away and hiding from it, isn't a solution, but until then I thought things were getting better.
Depression has a habit of lying to you, and one of those lies, is "your not good enough" and other such things, so that could be a cause of my lower confidence but for me there's always been a link between my low confidence causing my lower mood. They can go hand in had, so it can be difficult to tell.
There's also the medical side of things, (my naughty thyroid) which I am aware of, and I will be checking.


One of the main thoughts that I have that fuels these feelings is the reply that comes to mind when someone says something positive. Its the one sentence that I cannot get past or find a way though or a way to deal with.
I know that depression lies to you and I often tell people that, but when its in my own head, those things are stronger and either my depression has found ways to combat the good or maybe its just something in me.


That sentence/ thought is "if that's true, why am I still …." and its almost always backed up with "x y z..... proves your right, thinking that" , in that past experiences prove whatever the negative is.
for example, If I'm such a nice/good person, then why am I alone ? You've never had many friends, so it must be something wrong with me.
I try to tell myself, that if I can accept things as they are, then it wont hurt so much. If I can accept that I'm always going to be alone, it wont hurt as much to be alone. If I accept that I'll never find love it wont hurt when I stay single. I mustn't of accepted these things yet, as I know I still hope for it and hope and dream of better things to come, but sometimes I do wish I didn't cause some of that pain wouldn't be there anymore.


I want to understand why I feel down or how its happened again, but part of me also just wants it to stop, wants to just feel better. I'm over it now, I'm fed up of these feelings, the exhaustion, tiredness and the constant fight.
I want to find a way through this and be better, find the strength to get past my worries and feelings, even just being able to accept those things that get me down.


Whatever the cause or reason, its happened again and I have to find a way.

new year

After weeks, or more likely months, we've been force fed the idea that Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year ! and for most it probably is, now we are in the middle of "most wonderful time of the year" and New Year excitement. Again being force fed the idea we have to be excited and will be partying, and celebrating and for many people I know its a fun time, we get time off work and get to spend time with loved ones.
But for some like me, who struggle with depression and or anxiety,  it can be really hard work, not that its hard to spend time with loved ones etc, I know I'm lucky to spend christmas with my family.
I don't wish to waste a moment of that time, but it can be exhausting, whether because your trying so hard to be present and "enjoy" yourself and have "fun" or from trying so hard to be ok, or just to keep up. I will at some point end up feeling guilty or bad for not spending as much time with loved ones as I can but I will need alone time at some point.
It all adds up to being a time of year I don't look forward to, spending time with my family is always special but the rest of the "christmas" stuff I really could do without.
Then after making it through the main days of Christmas you then have the new year to look "forward" to. Social media is full of the reflections of the past year and expectations of the year to come. I've never quite got the excitement of a new year, its just a change of number really. It is though a sort of line in the sand for people, a chance to start something new, or try something they haven't before. Exclamations that the year to come will be this and that.
I wish I could find the excitement in the New Year to come, but it fills me with fear, fear of things not getting any better, of the another "wasted" year, not getting any further forward or being any better, spending another year alone and lonely. I'd like to hope for a better future, but I've learnt that, that's not in my story, not in my future, I wasn't built like that. I don't believe it fate, or that things are designed to be a certain way, as I do believe you make your own future and destiny, but my past has taught me that to hope for better is to allow in the pain of loss and disappointment. I'm no longer or currently not strong enough face the fear of more failure and more let downs.


I know it sounds negative and I know things won't improve without effort from me, but its hard to see past the past and the let downs, to see that things can be better. When all the lights go out how can you see where to go?, you can stay still, move slowly, trip and fall, wait for the light to come back or stride on forward regardless of the dangers. I want to be someone who strides forward but I am at the moment somewhere between staying still and moving slowly, following a trip and fall. The resulting pain stopping me in my tracks.
As the new year starts I will look forward ,in my own way, and in my best way I can. The fall giving me/reminding me of something I need to work on or at least face, so the next trip maybe won't result in a fall or if it does means I'll be able to get up easier.
Either way another year is coming to an end with its ups, downs and confusions, and another one is starting which will contain, its own ups, downs and curve balls. Time will tick on and the number at the end of the date will change, the rest well ……… lets see .

Alone

Its been hurting again, that alone feeling, having almost no one to talk to and it hurting too much to actually speak about it. There have been people there who wanted to help but the pain was too bad and it meant facing some of my biggest demons, which I simply don't have the strength for.
I hadn't realised how large a couple of those particular demons were still until something in my personal life changed. I had put my trust into someone and that had put a "butterfly stitch " over the wounds I had , unfortunately these wounds hadn't healed so when that was removed all that pain flowed out again.
I crashed and felt like I was falling apart, I couldn't stop the tears and the pain made it difficult to breathe.
All my doubts and fears were released, running free. It took all my energy to be ok, if I let myself think about things, I would fall down, I never realised an internal pain could hurt so much, that it could take my breath away.
Having my faith in people tested after being let down, shook me to my core, realising that how I felt was different, that my mind had run away with me.
I had let my guard down and hoped for a better future, believing that maybe just maybe there was something more for me.
The questions of would I ever be normal, or have a normal relationship?, will I always be alone ? Why do I struggle so much with things that to everyone else is completely normal ?
 As much as I do try, I feel so uncomfortable around most people, I worry I'm not good enough, that I'm too different.
I know I'm not like most people, I know I'm different and I worry there is something wrong with me...………
wow I said it, but its true, I'm not going on my christmas works do, because of how uncomfortable I am in those situations, as much as I enjoy my time with my work colleagues and even like them (also true) those situations terrify me and exhaust me in trying so hard to be ok, when I simply am not.


I don't want to be alone, but I also cannot see anything different in my future, if I can't even cope with a works do, how am I ever going to be able to meet someone and even if I did , who would want me ? What would I have to offer them?
I have met so few people I have been able to talk to openly, even with them I find it difficult to be completely open and share what really goes on in my head sometimes. Those people made me feel a little less different, and gave me a glimmer of hope that things wouldn't always be so difficult.
having one of those people no longer be one of those people has been so difficult, and it has left me vulnerable to my demons again.
No one person can fix me I know that and I don't want anyone to, it not fair that just because I struggle with all those things most people don't , doesn't mean those one or two people should put up with me either.
I wish I could say or be ok, with being different, and I don't mean a little quirky, but I'm not because my different means I'm alone, and lonely, unable to fit in with others and never feel comfortable in social situations (even family times) .
I will always hope things will get better or at least I simply will find a way to be more comfortable in my own skin, or mind. I don't want to go through my life alone, but I worry things wont get any better. I don't know how to be different or find a way to be more comfortable, or have the strength to deal with those situations that I find so difficult.


 At least here I can share a little of it.

my thoughts havent been escaping

Its been a crazy and confusing few months, which has got in the way of writing . From shock to deep sadness, to relief and happiness and utter confusion.
My mind hasn't been able to cope and process the information and situations I've found myself in.
I usually find writing helpful, getting it out of my head, helping me make sense of things and face things I need to. Even when things get too much and I'm unable to actually speak, when the emotions go out of control the tears flow and I find it difficult to breathe making speaking impossible. Even when I can't see through the tears my pencil will keep moving, flowing across the page (though sometimes I can't always fully read what I wrote down), expressing all those things that get stuck inside.
It can be both good and bad, good as its therapeutic getting things out, and helps me face it, but also that means facing it which can be so painful, and exhausting. Sometimes I know its there but it just hurts too much. I won't think about it and escape by playing a game on my phone or tablet, or scrolling through social media, anything but let the cogs in my brain turn.
Sometimes it goes no further than a scribbled bit of writing, then other times if I can it will turn into a blog.


Until this last couple of weeks it has been confusion more than sadness that has blocked my writing, not being able to make sense enough to put pencil to paper, having nothing scribbled to transfer to type.
I ended up in a situation that I couldn't make sense of, having someone come back into my life, and being unsure as to why or if I really wanted them there, they persisted and I let my guard down a little but it left me very uneasy and uncomfortable, it brought back uncomfortable , painful memories and introduced questions I couldn't answer.
Thankfully things came out that made my decision for me, freeing me from the confusion and doubt, but also bringing with it, new questions and some confusion.
It turned things upside down for a while, everything I had believed in for the last almost 2 years , was wrong and everything I had thought before that time turned out to be true.
Although this also brought with it uncomfortable memories it also brought good memories too.
As the "dust" settled and things calmed down, all of this turned into a blessing renewing an old friendship and old relationships, lifting a weight I hadn't realised I was carrying around, and things started to make sense again.
It has been another painful couple of weeks but that's for another blog.

Roman

Last week I heard the news that a very special friend had passed away. Although I only knew him for a relatively short time, he made a huge impact on me and my life. He was beautiful to his very core, his soul, he only saw the beauty and joy in the world and the best in others.


There is a Robbie Williams song "One of God's better people" (a song he wrote for his mum) and although I'm not a very religious person, the title of this song perfectly sums up my friend.
He had the biggest heart and had the most beautiful soul of anyone I have ever met.
He would say "I love you" on every message he would send me, sometimes that would be all the message said.




It broke my heart to know I would never get to speak to him, or get another "I love you" , but also knowing the world had one less angel, and people who cared for him would be lost and hurting without him.




Worse still was I didn't get to say goodbye, I worried I hadn't told him how much he meant to me often enough.


Grief is one of the harder things we have to deal with, losing someone whether they were close to you or not leaves a hole in your life, a space that can't be filled. You have to carry on, but its a bit like trying to finish a jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces.
Depending on how close to that person you were, the size of that hole can be different, its a space that will never be filled. Others may come into your life and create their own space, but no one can ever fill that space.




I've been thinking of my friend, and the wonderful memories I have of him, the photo's and the feeling of being loved for simply being me, these things will help fill the gap left by him. Hopefully the gap will become less noticeable over time. But he'll always have a space in my heart and the positive effects of being lucky enough to know him, I will carry with me forever.




Rest In Peace Ramon, my beautiful friend.

Dedicated to Ramon Carlos Molina Muñoz

Fog

Sad, on edge, lethargic, anxious, short tempered, easily irritated, worried,  frozen, unable to concentrate or function.


Just some of the feelings and emotions over the last few days, some of it is just being tired. Tired from not sleeping, working too hard, from too much "peopling", or simply the effort it takes to overcome these things on a daily basis or even just to keep them at bay. This especially can leave me exhausted and feeling empty.


Guilty,  embarrassed, lazy, wasting my life.
 A few more thoughts and feelings, guilty for not going somewhere, or not doing something, feeling bad that I may have let someone down, or just simply I could do more. ( even though I am doing the best I can, guess that's me being too hard on myself)


I've been told I'm strong and to look at how far I've come and I can see that sometimes , especially the strong part as I must be, to have gotten this far.


But when days like this occur, its like a fog has descended obscuring my view, like a blindfold pressing on my eyes, with weights hanging off me, making every move 100x times harder than normal.
When the fog lifts and the weights fall away , I float out of the shadows and feel free and lighter again. I want to find a way of keeping the fog away, maybe a fan of some sort would help, if it was a fog I created , I would be able to stop it starting or at very least construct the right sort of fan to clear it away.
I have a couple of the components for the fan, rest being the main one, recharging when I feel it coming. Taking time to be quiet, be alone and relax.
The other is writing, putting pen to paper and talking like I am now about the confusion of thoughts , feelings and emotions or lack of them. Either letting them out or somehow sparking new ones to life, especially on my non functional days (as long as I can actually get pen to paper)


The fog can also carry pollutants , making things worse and giving you something else to battle.
The fog not only clouds your vision, it also hide's obstacle's , some that trip you, some to make you change course a little, and some that stop you in your tracks. Trapping you and slowing you down.


The fog also hides the good things which can be a good or bad thing, as sometimes its easier if you can't see what your missing, you can't beat yourself for missing something you can't see, but then its bad as you have nothing positive to reach for, if you don't see what your missing what have you got to aspire to?.


Its weird to think that I could wake up tomorrow and feel fine, no fog, no weights, I could also feel worse, heavier fog and heavier weights , or I could wake up feeling exactly the same.


I take all the positives of the day to bed with me when I go, allow myself time to relax and switch off and try and get a good nights sleep.
That is all I can currently do to improve things, how I feel when I wake is an unknown, that I don't need to worry about.
Either way its another day, another chance and another challenge to face. :)