putting my finger on it

In a funny mood today, can't quite put my finger on it, but then again you can't generally put your finger on a mood or feeling can you?
You can feel the results, the tension, shaking, tears or feeling sick, but the mood itself isn't truly touchable. Like air its all around you can feel it moving when the wind blows, it can feel cool or warm but you can't actually touch it. Put your finger on it.
It can be very frustrating when you feel something but aren't sure what it is or why, like trying to grab a handful of air !
When I'm having one of these days I find it best not to overthink it, or to think about it at all, I just try to accept I'm having one of "those days", and allow myself to rest and relax. There's no point in overthinking or worrying about these things, as that point I cannot change the outcome or feelings at that moment I can only look after myself.
The hardest part is the result of these feelings or moods, usually it means I struggle to get anything done, I can't concentrate, or motivate myself to do much at all, food has become one of my bigger struggles, I just can't face eating, I don't want anything to eat at all, even if I do feel hungry , I can't face anything let alone making anything.
I feel very shut down, and have no desire to do anything, usually it only lasts a day or so, but I can feel the effects for a few more days, I've learnt the effects of not eating enough on my system especially when doing my Zumba classes, the tiredness making me doubt my ability to teach and whether I'm doing a good enough job.
It would be nice if I could find an answer as to why, because then I would be able to put things in place to maybe prevent it recurring, make changes to help avoid things, or at least cope better when it does occur.
I hate the feeling, its a weird mixture of sad, lonely, tired, lost and stuck, like moving in slow motion or even not moving at all, time can pass without me doing much at all. Its frustrating having stuff to do and not being able to connect the dots , get my brain working. Its hard to explain and I know some people cannot understand it, which can make things harder on me or anyone struggling with something.
For now I'll continue to deal with the effects as best I can while keeping an eye out for the why. Then maybe I'll be finally able to put my finger on it.

Closing that door

12 months ago today, I closed the door, actually slammed it shut and walked away from a negative and damaging situation I had stayed in because I couldn't see a better way. I wouldn't be better off on my own so why change things?
A situation born out of a once positive friendship that had initially boosted my poor confidence and helped me get out of my closed little world, but had turned into a negative, draining "friendship". But I thought if I kept holding on a little longer I would get to a point where I would be strong enough to change things, I would have other things outside of this "friendship" , other options to follow.
I had started to make changes, I was moving away from the situation, growing as a person and enjoying other friendships and experiences. One particular friendship, proved to be one of the instigators in the ending of the friendship, I could see jealously not only in that this person wanted to spend time with me but also that I wanted to spend time with them.
It took me away from the situation and helped me see things in a new light, and the support that person gave, added much needed strength to fight for myself, and confidence in me and the person I was.


The friendship itself was ended by the other person a few weeks earlier, but I had held on to the idea of the friendship for some time longer, but my hand was forced by a message that was beyond cruel, but that message forced me into a new reality. For the first time I fought back and challenged the cruel, evil words and was able to prove them false. I said my piece, stood up for myself  and ended things, blocking the phone numbers and social media pages. For once and for all slamming that door.
It was an invigorating, exciting and powerful moment for me, a feeling I took with me for some time. It was also challenging as I had to look at things and people differently. Relearn things and how to trust again, not only other people but myself too, I had to be brave enough to try. Hold my head up dealing with my depression, very quickly after the "friendship" initially ended I had been able to return to work, the support and encouragement of the people I was working with, further boosted me and seeing them happy I had shut that door, was further reinforcement that it was right.


By a strange coincidence earlier that same day I had received the news that my very first blog "Looking Back" was to be published on the mental health website I am 1 in 4, which was incredible to me. Shortly after I'd blocked the "friend" it was shared on the websites Facebook page. The comments, likes and shares were again an amazing boost, having strangers comment and offer support was mind boggling.
It was a lesson in the true nature of people, helping me develop my trust in people again. Friends and family members shared my blog with their own beautiful words and support.


It also had one more surprise in store, a friend who I'd lost because of the actions of the "friend" we had in common, did, what to me was very brave thing in getting back in touch with me. Our friendship had always been effected and damaged by the "friend" I mentioned earlier. She could have stayed away, but she didn't she reached out and got in touch, it was hard at first to get my head around things, but the more we talked the more I learnt what she had been put through by this other "friend" and how similar our experiences had been, further proving the cruel words were lies and designed to harm. Her support helped me regain some of my confidence and when I came to creating my own Zumba class, she was right there encouraging me.


Its been over a year since I first put pen to paper and wrote about my feelings and experiences, I still find it very therapeutic as the my pencil flows freely across my note pad, and then my fingers dance across the keyboard , the words easily escape in ways my mouth wont always do.


Thank you to all that support me and took the time to read and share. xx

Fearless Limitless

When I first needed a "business name" Fearless and Limitless came to mind, as it was something I wanted to be. I didn't want to be afraid anymore or be limited by my limitations. Putting my dream into words and into my business was a way to drive me, to keep me moving forward ,but also to give it a name.
I still have the same fears and limits but they are smaller and I'm stronger and more able to fight them.
Fear can be limiting, it can cause all sorts of difficulties, from just nerves to being completely frozen, and so much in between. For me it depends on the situation as to how it appears, sometimes I wouldn't even be aware of it. I could nervously giggle when confronted by someone, cry with fear, go silent, or freeze. When it came to having to speak in front of people it was terror, tears or my mind going completely blank, when I was riding it was pulling on the reins without wanting to, in my Zumba it was not moving as well, not being as strong and powerful, not connecting with the clients, again it was a subconscious thing, that I wasn't fully aware of, or was able to control. I can see a huge difference now, even feel it ! it feels easier, it flows and feels natural, its now one of the only times I feel free, I can be silly and not feel silly. I want to be able to take this feeling into more areas of my life, take that silly factor and freedom with me wherever I go.
 Fear can also be powerful and driving, making me want to beat it. It gives you something to fight for or against.
Limitations can also be a wide collection of things, mental and physical. From being a little on the short side (in Zumba clients can't see me) to self doubt and shyness. There are some things I can't change, I'm never going to be any taller, I'll always have trouble reaching the higher shelves. That's ok cause it doesn't effect who I am. I've worked through those limitations that I can.


"Limitless" also comes from wanting to have no limits on what I can achieve, where I can go. I've been told "no" too many times, or been told I'm not good enough or aren't aggressive/fierce enough (certain rhythm's in Zumba need more swagger or attitude). That I don't have the right attitude to move forward, get a promotion. But these just give me something else to fight against, and enjoy proving wrong.
 The worst limitations are the ones we put on ourselves "I'll never understand that" "I'm too uncoordinated" "its not my thing" these can come from our brains trying to protect us, but they don't always protect us, they place limits on what we can achieve. We have to fight those, use positive self talk, or just taking a step or if possible a leap of faith into the unknown.


Setting up and running Fearless Limitless Fitness, making it a success and loving every minute is what I wanted and will continue to do.


Be Fearless. Be Limitless and always to true to you, don't accept anyone's opinion of you even its your own.

worry

I worry sometimes I'm getting ill again, not in a hypochondriac kind of way, not my physical health, but in the way of my mental health. Is this a little blip, a bad day or few days, or am I just over tired ?
Its hard to tell for certain, but at least I'm aware of it. When I was first unwell, I didn't know it, I was always tired and felt heavy, I knew I wasn't happy but I thought it would get better of course it didn't, I just got even more tired, both physically and mentally. It wasn't until I sort help and started to feel better that, that weight was lifted and some of that tiredness left. I realised I could feel better and more importantly it wasn't my fault.
Being aware of your emotions and feelings does help as you can keep an eye on things, but it also can hinder as you add to your worries, worrying that there's something wrong. Draining some of that energy you need to keep moving forward, getting better or just getting through that day.
I've found for me its best to accept I'm not myself and if I can take a little time for myself to rest and recover, I do, sometimes all it takes is a quiet couple of hours, or ensuring I get more sleep (or trying too) knowing that being overtired can affect my mood.
I've learnt that being overtired is one of my triggers, so when I start to feel that way, I do what I can to make things better, I take a little time for myself, book some time off work, have a lie in and do my best to not criticize myself or beat myself up over it.
Its not something that everyone will understand, and I'm ok with that. Learning that "its ok not to be ok" has been a weight off my mind, a relief.
I've been lucky so far as I haven't experienced much negativity when I've talked about my struggles, there are still people who don't understand and there always will be.  That's ok as I don't want them too, cause to truly understand you need to experience it, and I don't want that for anyone, I would rather they not "get it" than actually know how it feels. Its hard to deal with some people who think or claim they understand, or those who don't and don't seem to want to, as you feel like your talking to a brick wall and getting nowhere, but that's one of those little blips, it can worry me, dent me a little but I'll pick myself back up again, as I know now how to "treat" that and move on.

Perfect ???

Nobody’s perfect they say, but this is only partly true, as “perfect” will always depend on each individual persons version and that moment in time.

Nobody can be perfect for everyone, and your version of perfect wont be everyone else's, you can only be perfect for some/someone/situation or moment in time and your perfect may not be perfect for anyone but you. To me that's one of the things that makes us amazing.

I don’t think I have an ideal of perfect, or if I do I’m not aware of it, not in any terms friends, boyfriends, family, abilities, pet, job it goes on. I suppose I will find my perfect at some point and maybe I can define it for myself, but each perfect will be different to the other, and each perfect will also develop and change over time.

There’s not many situations something can be “perfect” getting 10 out of 10 on a test is one of them.

People are judged for being "perfect" what's he/she got to worry about, be insecure about or not like in their lives? but just because to you it seems perfect it doesn't mean it is, or its perfect for that person.

Our world is constantly changing, and within that out own little worlds, even if we only watch, we are changed by what we see. We cannot simply observe, we interact with it in some way every day. And every little thing has some effect on us, which in turns effects our version of perfect, or should. If we don’t allow ourselves to change or admit these changes, can we ever be happy? You could just end up chasing a dream, you actually no longer want, so when you get it, will it make it happy ?

Chasing “perfect” is almost impossible, as it will keep changing.

Have dreams, have morals , have goals, dream big !, aim high, go on adventures just don't worry about perfect. Anything is possible if we don't get stuck on "perfect"

“Nothing is impossible, as the word itself says I’m possible” Audrey Hepburn

Just keep in mind that your ideal of perfect may not be everybody’s, and may not be the same as when you started out !

Social ???? noooooooooo

I've noticed recently that I'm struggling with being Social. Most people I know get excited about a night out, whether just drinks with a couple of friends or a party, or other things like days out/group outings, or works do! But the idea of these things terrify me.
I'll put on a nervous smile and say great, thank you, that's a good idea, I sometimes manage a polite "not sure" or sorry I'm busy (its such a relief to be able to truthfully say this) the fight to not show the real terror and blind panic in my mind, is immense, desperately not wanting to be rude, but also just wanting to run away and hide. Changing the conversation, or looking for a way out, an escape route.
It has nothing to do with the person or people doing the inviting or trying to arrange the "thing" but its that social setting that is scary. In work, Zumba or even a salsa night, I have a reason to be there, things to discuss, from work stuff or the basic hello, how have you been? on the dance floor. You only have a few minutes when someone asks you to dance to worry about before the song has finished.
But the rest of the time I'm lost and terrified.
Its hard to put into words exactly what it is that scares me, it involves a few different things and they get all muddled together, spinning around and churning it all up.
Having nothing to say, having nothing in common with people, not fitting in, not understanding what they're talking about, or having no knowledge or experience of whatever they are discussing.
Being scared they'll actually learn stuff about me and realise what a "loser" I am, what an idiot I am. That they'll realise I really have nothing to offer or that is interesting about me, there's so little to like.
I feel I have no experiences worth sharing, my mind goes blank and I genuinely have nothing to say. 
If I do make it out I sit in silence, my mind running laps, grinning away and nodding, occasionally chipping in if I can pluck up the courage. Most of the time feeling silly and awkward.
I want to enjoy these situations and I can enjoy part's , but if I don't arrive or I do say no or someone you know does that, its probably not about you, or what your planning it may well be something in their head, for me its definitely fear and worry.

Goodbye

Its hard to say goodbye sometimes, or even admit you need to say goodbye to someone or something that’s no good for you.

The last time I needed to walk away from something, I hung on for way to long, I wish I could say I had the strength to walk away but I didn’t. Luckily the situation was ended and I was left lost and alone, I was able to find my way but hanging on so long meant a lot of damage was done.

I thought it was better to stay and wait it out till I was stronger. It’s a pattern I’m stuck in, not being strong enough to walk away from things I should.

Part of that is I haven’t had to in the past as friendships were always or seemed to be based on a need, someone needing me for something. The “friend” who sat with me at school cause they had no one else to talk to, spending hours listening to her moan about her life, only to have her to then spend the next hour complaining to mutual friends that I had been the one moaning, or the one that liked to put me down because it made her feel cleverer, being kept around because they basically had no one else left to lean on.

Eventually I am no longer required, no longer have a use, so I get “dropped”, left behind or suddenly realising there is a huge distance and its been ages since I saw them. I’m not saying everyone does it on purpose, or does it at all, I can only say it’s been my experience so far.

I also know its not always about me being useful, not everyone is “bad”, I know its just me, I must be hard to be around, hard to “love” as I do not know who or even how to trust people, keeping myself tightly wrapped up trying to keep myself safe. Not being able to trust my own thoughts or feelings. The times I’ve allowed myself to open up or believe in something, I got hurt, badly, left feeling alone and lost, and further behind from where I started from.
Feeling I have nothing to contribute to a conversation, or to a friendship, what do I really have to offer anyone ? other than my usefulness ? I usually feel like I there is something wrong or missing inside me, which means I don’t connect.

I need to find the strength, a way through to break away from negative experiences, find a way to break those bonds and be free and even alone because that is better than putting myself in a negative situation, that hurts me just because its “better” than the alternative. I know in reality that’s wrong and putting up with being hurt is no alternative. But having the strength to say Goodbye is another challenge.