Perfect ???

Nobody’s perfect they say, but this is only partly true, as “perfect” will always depend on each individual persons version and that moment in time.

Nobody can be perfect for everyone, and your version of perfect wont be everyone else's, you can only be perfect for some/someone/situation or moment in time and your perfect may not be perfect for anyone but you. To me that's one of the things that makes us amazing.

I don’t think I have an ideal of perfect, or if I do I’m not aware of it, not in any terms friends, boyfriends, family, abilities, pet, job it goes on. I suppose I will find my perfect at some point and maybe I can define it for myself, but each perfect will be different to the other, and each perfect will also develop and change over time.

There’s not many situations something can be “perfect” getting 10 out of 10 on a test is one of them.

People are judged for being "perfect" what's he/she got to worry about, be insecure about or not like in their lives? but just because to you it seems perfect it doesn't mean it is, or its perfect for that person.

Our world is constantly changing, and within that out own little worlds, even if we only watch, we are changed by what we see. We cannot simply observe, we interact with it in some way every day. And every little thing has some effect on us, which in turns effects our version of perfect, or should. If we don’t allow ourselves to change or admit these changes, can we ever be happy? You could just end up chasing a dream, you actually no longer want, so when you get it, will it make it happy ?

Chasing “perfect” is almost impossible, as it will keep changing.

Have dreams, have morals , have goals, dream big !, aim high, go on adventures just don't worry about perfect. Anything is possible if we don't get stuck on "perfect"

“Nothing is impossible, as the word itself says I’m possible” Audrey Hepburn

Just keep in mind that your ideal of perfect may not be everybody’s, and may not be the same as when you started out !

Social ???? noooooooooo

I've noticed recently that I'm struggling with being Social. Most people I know get excited about a night out, whether just drinks with a couple of friends or a party, or other things like days out/group outings, or works do! But the idea of these things terrify me.
I'll put on a nervous smile and say great, thank you, that's a good idea, I sometimes manage a polite "not sure" or sorry I'm busy (its such a relief to be able to truthfully say this) the fight to not show the real terror and blind panic in my mind, is immense, desperately not wanting to be rude, but also just wanting to run away and hide. Changing the conversation, or looking for a way out, an escape route.
It has nothing to do with the person or people doing the inviting or trying to arrange the "thing" but its that social setting that is scary. In work, Zumba or even a salsa night, I have a reason to be there, things to discuss, from work stuff or the basic hello, how have you been? on the dance floor. You only have a few minutes when someone asks you to dance to worry about before the song has finished.
But the rest of the time I'm lost and terrified.
Its hard to put into words exactly what it is that scares me, it involves a few different things and they get all muddled together, spinning around and churning it all up.
Having nothing to say, having nothing in common with people, not fitting in, not understanding what they're talking about, or having no knowledge or experience of whatever they are discussing.
Being scared they'll actually learn stuff about me and realise what a "loser" I am, what an idiot I am. That they'll realise I really have nothing to offer or that is interesting about me, there's so little to like.
I feel I have no experiences worth sharing, my mind goes blank and I genuinely have nothing to say. 
If I do make it out I sit in silence, my mind running laps, grinning away and nodding, occasionally chipping in if I can pluck up the courage. Most of the time feeling silly and awkward.
I want to enjoy these situations and I can enjoy part's , but if I don't arrive or I do say no or someone you know does that, its probably not about you, or what your planning it may well be something in their head, for me its definitely fear and worry.

Goodbye

Its hard to say goodbye sometimes, or even admit you need to say goodbye to someone or something that’s no good for you.

The last time I needed to walk away from something, I hung on for way to long, I wish I could say I had the strength to walk away but I didn’t. Luckily the situation was ended and I was left lost and alone, I was able to find my way but hanging on so long meant a lot of damage was done.

I thought it was better to stay and wait it out till I was stronger. It’s a pattern I’m stuck in, not being strong enough to walk away from things I should.

Part of that is I haven’t had to in the past as friendships were always or seemed to be based on a need, someone needing me for something. The “friend” who sat with me at school cause they had no one else to talk to, spending hours listening to her moan about her life, only to have her to then spend the next hour complaining to mutual friends that I had been the one moaning, or the one that liked to put me down because it made her feel cleverer, being kept around because they basically had no one else left to lean on.

Eventually I am no longer required, no longer have a use, so I get “dropped”, left behind or suddenly realising there is a huge distance and its been ages since I saw them. I’m not saying everyone does it on purpose, or does it at all, I can only say it’s been my experience so far.

I also know its not always about me being useful, not everyone is “bad”, I know its just me, I must be hard to be around, hard to “love” as I do not know who or even how to trust people, keeping myself tightly wrapped up trying to keep myself safe. Not being able to trust my own thoughts or feelings. The times I’ve allowed myself to open up or believe in something, I got hurt, badly, left feeling alone and lost, and further behind from where I started from.
Feeling I have nothing to contribute to a conversation, or to a friendship, what do I really have to offer anyone ? other than my usefulness ? I usually feel like I there is something wrong or missing inside me, which means I don’t connect.

I need to find the strength, a way through to break away from negative experiences, find a way to break those bonds and be free and even alone because that is better than putting myself in a negative situation, that hurts me just because its “better” than the alternative. I know in reality that’s wrong and putting up with being hurt is no alternative. But having the strength to say Goodbye is another challenge.

To hear

I just want to be heard or is that listened to? It’s both really, because you can hear without listening and you can listen without hearing.

The worst is when someone thinks or even believes that they are listening, when they’re not. They say they hear you and understand, when they haven’t heard a single word, if they did they wouldn’t say those words “I understand”, because hearing and understanding doesn’t need words.

There are all sorts of courses available now, “listening skills” or “verbal and non-verbal communication” are just a couple of them. Courses like these do help, but they also give you a false belief in those skills.

It takes more than a course, to really hear someone, you have to want to, you have to want to hear what they are trying to say, even when their words don’t come out the way they want, or they can’t find the words they need to explain. It’s there fighting to come out, it’s just doesn’t always make its way out.

I know it is difficult to be around me sometimes or people like me, frustrating, annoying and even hurtful. You may sometimes be in a hurry, not emotionally available at that moment, or simply don’t know the person so conclusions are jumped to, assumptions made, mistakes happen.

But those assumptions cause more mistakes and more heartache, assuming someone is being negative just because they have been seen as negative before, or thinking they were having “a go” at you, because of their voice/tone, or because you’re having a bad day, or simply because you didn’t have time to listen to them, a bit like speed reading, getting the gist but missing the main story, creating your own ending, even if that isn’t what you wanted.

It can work both ways, positively and negatively. Seeing the best in someone who’s struggling helps them, but seeing the best in someone who maybe doesn’t have a “best” to them will only end up hurting you and those who care about you.

Seeing someone as being negative when they are and helping see a different way, can help but seeing someone a being negative when they aren’t and may be just finding their way through just makes the person feel worse.

Our brains make some of thoughts in milliseconds or less, its not always a conscious decision, but if you can make the choice to stop, breathe and really listen you could simply brighten someone’s day or even change their life. We even have the ability to listen. What could you hear ? …..