the boxes

Think I need some locks on my boxes or one way openings, so I can let stuff out, but also stop things going in.
There are parts of our brains that exist to keep us safe, our flight or flight reflexes developed to protect us from attack from wild animals and from dangerous situations. Now we no longer have to worry so often about wild animal attacks , so this part of our brain now try's to protect us from other "dangers" and pain.
In my case its the pain it wants to protect me from, but its kind of got out of control, its a little power hungry, with a mind of its own. I know it means well, but I do need to rein it in as I need to feel these things, I need to face things and fight them. When something not very nice happens I simply shut down, the pain and worry remain but some of the actual details can disappear. Which is sometimes good, some situations are best not remembered, these are the things we need forget to protect us.
But forgetting these things, for me it makes it very difficult to deal with the problem and to move on, it means I cant talk it through properly with someone, describe what is actually wrong.
Something happened this week which I found particularly difficult, having a moment when anger, and intense pain kicked in together, causing a "flight" reaction, then panic, sadness and despair. My body reacting with tears, shaking and feeling psychically sick. My mind causing these reactions, but also stuffing as quickly as possible some of the details as what had actually happened into one of my many boxes, which have a little room in them, thanks to my efforts in emptying these out to try make room for nicer things.
Having no control over what goes in the boxes means I'm left with pain, depression and confusion, struggling to make sense of anything, my mind shut down and I find it difficult to even function on a basic level.
It also means that opening the boxes to stuff in things, allows out the little monsters that eat away at my self esteem, their voices in my ears telling me I'll always fail, always be alone, never fit in and never be any better, that it wont matter how hard I work or the challenges I face I'll never be good enough or achieve my desires (if I ever figure these out). Once released they run wild getting involved every thought and moment, until I can stuff them away again, or I buckle under their weight, running out of energy to fight anything, once my energy has gone they no longer have anything to feed on so they go dormant for a little while.
I can be hard on myself then, believing everything was my fault and my reactions were all wrong, that I am in the wrong to feel the way to I do.
I must remember these reactions are "normal", its how are brains are naturally wired to keep us safe.
There are little ways to help me cope with those moments and the moments that follow.

The boxes will always be there but its what I can choose to fill them with in the future that matters.

LETTING IT OUT

One of the reasons I first started writing and how "Looking Back"(my first blog) came about was from a desire to get the thoughts, feelings, memories and experiences out of the little boxes I had hastily stuffed them in. Which gave me a false sense of strength, if I could just keeping going I would be ok. Locking them away meant I could carry on, whether it was trying to look after others though illness or emergency or just being able to turn up at work every day, when just turning onto the road to where I worked, flipped my stomach and left me feeling physically sick.
This feeling lasted for years after I left that job, it didn't matter the time of day or even the type of vehicle I was driving, when I made that turn, it was there. At some point it stopped I couldn't tell you when it happened whether it got slowly better or just stopped one day.
 This feeling came from the bullying I suffered in that particular job, and the complete destruction of my self esteem, from having every aspect of my personality and every thing I had ever done ripped apart. I tried to leave it all behind, instead of facing it and dealing with the emotions and pain, if I locked it away in its own little box it couldn't hurt me anymore.
Unfortunately it doesn't work that way, locking it away hid it from me, but it meant it all stayed there, like a parasite eating away at me, every little bit of me I rebuilt was always weak, undermined by the beliefs created by those cruel words and treatment, it would only take a harsh word or even sometimes a comment made in innocence, to loosen the ties on the boxes allowing the monsters space to escape and feed on any positive feelings, compliments or self esteem however weak, tricking me into believing that I was nothing, worthless and unimportant. That I would never be good enough at anything or fit in anywhere, that there was something wrong with me.
I tried to make fun of one piece of criticism especially as it was so ridiculous, but it was one of the hardest things to deal with. This criticism was I wasn't part of the team because I didn't drink enough tea ! even though I would make them tea even if I didn't want a cup myself, but being judged in that manner is something you can't fight, as silly as it was.
So now I'm trying to unpack these boxes, sometimes only small amount before I  need to shut it again or other times its simply thrown out as a whole, or letting them pour them out onto a page or keyboard and screen.
I've been lucky that I've been able to share my writing and experiences, and even more so that it has helped other people, from strangers to people close to me. Helping them feel less alone and even inspired.
Letting it out has helped me along my road to doing better, given me strength, emptying my boxes out onto paper, even if they are never read. Each word freeing me from the negative emotions and feelings. Making room for new stuff, happy memories and experiences, that feed my sole and self esteem.
I now have new things to write about, so whether I'm "looking back" or embracing my "Crazy Cat Lady" I'll keep sharing, and letting it out.

Too Positive ????

There’s a lot in the press and media about being “positive” and not being “negative”, but what’s wrong with being negative? I’m not saying its ok to be negative all the time, but I do believe there is just as much damage to be done by being too positive as being too negative.

There is too much emphasis on being “positive” , it can be counterproductive for anyone struggling, whether it’s just in a moment or it’s something that’s being going on for a while, especially for those of us who struggle with depression. It’s not a choice we make.

It seems that it’s not “acceptable” to be too perfect on a magazine cover or too thin or too beautiful, as it creates an impossible /unrealistic image that people can never reach. But if someone is seen as “negative” that’s wrong.

The constant pressure to be positive is exhausting, especially when already fighting an internal battle of your own.

 I will admit there are times when someone being constantly negative, drives me mad ! 

I believe in the law of attraction, and being positive will bring its own rewards but I don’t believe there is anything wrong with being “negative” on occasions. I believe in the law of attraction, and being positive will bring its own rewards 

There will always times when we feel a little down or worse, sometimes it’s even necessary, we have to face the not so good, and deal with it, something can’t be covered with a smile, not dealing or facing a challenge can do so much damage, sometimes even years later.

If we all go blindly forward being “positive” all the time, then we will never question anything. I’ve been accused of being “negative” for simply questioning a change or scenario but it’s not negative to question something, if it doesn’t seem or feel right.

If people never question things then change can never happen. It only takes one person to question something to start a revolution. “votes for women” what if no one ever thought to question why we couldn’t vote, what if we all carried on being “positive” about it , changes never would have happened. It may seem a little dramatic but I hope you can see what I’m getting at.

Maybe if we took a moment to listen to that questioning voice, instead of criticising the “negative” point of view, we could make some truly positive changes and better support those of us who struggle whether in a moment or longer term. Moving forward in a way that is positive for everyone.