Now I don't want to sound horrible, ungrateful or insulting to those people, but if this is the case, why am I always alone ?
I never hear from anyone, once I finish work, unless its a Zumba night I won't speak to anyone until I arrive at work or the gym the next day. Even when I arrive at work, I still feel completely and utterly alone.
I don't blame anyone, its on me, because why would I hear from anyone when I won't generally contact people either, even if I do pluck up the courage to message someone (forget ringing) then I spend ages planning what to write, but that is the rare occasion I have something to say. I have spent more than a day planning what I wanted to say, even before working up the courage to send a message. I do sometimes worry I talk too much, on the odd occasion, because I haven't talked to anyone for so long, I'll talk and talk without really having a conversation, which isn't nice for the other person.
When I'm at work, I never actually feel like I fit in, I feel different , stupid, and worthless. I struggle to join in to conversations or follow them, I worry I will misunderstand and make myself look stupid, or I'll get something wrong. I'm scared to speak up or make suggestions or even ask a question, because I have been so regularly shouted down and talked down to. Even at salsa I don't feel I fit in, but at least its noisy so I don't have to worry so much about proper conversation.
I have people who care about me and do take the time and effort to talk to me and support me, and I'm incredibly grateful to them as it must be an immense challenge, it can't be easy to be around me , I know I must be hard work. I've definitely been told it a few times, but I also feel it, if I find it exhausting , what must it be like for them?
I know its Ok to be different, and that some people embrace it and its what makes them special, but for me I feel too different or a different type of different, in a way that's isolating and very lonely.
Even when I have been in a situation when I thought I had a good friend or two, I never actually felt like it was their choice, or they were choosing to be my friend, in the back of my mind was that I was a 2nd choice, there by default or because they were friends with someone else. People probably didn't mean to make me feel like that, and probably didn't realise they were doing it. There has been the exceptions but I choose to believe that mostly its not been on purpose.
I may be unfair in saying it, but I've almost never felt like someone wanted me for me, not for something I could do, something I could help with, or escape from someone or something, or just they had no one else at that moment in time,
I debated writing this as I don't want to hurt anyone, or sound ungrateful for what I do have, but sometimes I just have to get it out, and sharing it can help me, and has the potential to help someone else. Trying to explain what goes on in my head, and having feedback that I'm not alone.
I saw a brilliant blog the other day "this is what depression looks like". It was honest and open and like the writer had seen inside my head or life, it was so good to see someone felt like I did and I wasn't alone or abnormal for feeling this way.
For me its getting those thoughts out as well as Thanking those who do "put up with me" xx
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