Roman

Last week I heard the news that a very special friend had passed away. Although I only knew him for a relatively short time, he made a huge impact on me and my life. He was beautiful to his very core, his soul, he only saw the beauty and joy in the world and the best in others.


There is a Robbie Williams song "One of God's better people" (a song he wrote for his mum) and although I'm not a very religious person, the title of this song perfectly sums up my friend.
He had the biggest heart and had the most beautiful soul of anyone I have ever met.
He would say "I love you" on every message he would send me, sometimes that would be all the message said.




It broke my heart to know I would never get to speak to him, or get another "I love you" , but also knowing the world had one less angel, and people who cared for him would be lost and hurting without him.




Worse still was I didn't get to say goodbye, I worried I hadn't told him how much he meant to me often enough.


Grief is one of the harder things we have to deal with, losing someone whether they were close to you or not leaves a hole in your life, a space that can't be filled. You have to carry on, but its a bit like trying to finish a jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces.
Depending on how close to that person you were, the size of that hole can be different, its a space that will never be filled. Others may come into your life and create their own space, but no one can ever fill that space.




I've been thinking of my friend, and the wonderful memories I have of him, the photo's and the feeling of being loved for simply being me, these things will help fill the gap left by him. Hopefully the gap will become less noticeable over time. But he'll always have a space in my heart and the positive effects of being lucky enough to know him, I will carry with me forever.




Rest In Peace Ramon, my beautiful friend.

Dedicated to Ramon Carlos Molina Muñoz

Fog

Sad, on edge, lethargic, anxious, short tempered, easily irritated, worried,  frozen, unable to concentrate or function.


Just some of the feelings and emotions over the last few days, some of it is just being tired. Tired from not sleeping, working too hard, from too much "peopling", or simply the effort it takes to overcome these things on a daily basis or even just to keep them at bay. This especially can leave me exhausted and feeling empty.


Guilty,  embarrassed, lazy, wasting my life.
 A few more thoughts and feelings, guilty for not going somewhere, or not doing something, feeling bad that I may have let someone down, or just simply I could do more. ( even though I am doing the best I can, guess that's me being too hard on myself)


I've been told I'm strong and to look at how far I've come and I can see that sometimes , especially the strong part as I must be, to have gotten this far.


But when days like this occur, its like a fog has descended obscuring my view, like a blindfold pressing on my eyes, with weights hanging off me, making every move 100x times harder than normal.
When the fog lifts and the weights fall away , I float out of the shadows and feel free and lighter again. I want to find a way of keeping the fog away, maybe a fan of some sort would help, if it was a fog I created , I would be able to stop it starting or at very least construct the right sort of fan to clear it away.
I have a couple of the components for the fan, rest being the main one, recharging when I feel it coming. Taking time to be quiet, be alone and relax.
The other is writing, putting pen to paper and talking like I am now about the confusion of thoughts , feelings and emotions or lack of them. Either letting them out or somehow sparking new ones to life, especially on my non functional days (as long as I can actually get pen to paper)


The fog can also carry pollutants , making things worse and giving you something else to battle.
The fog not only clouds your vision, it also hide's obstacle's , some that trip you, some to make you change course a little, and some that stop you in your tracks. Trapping you and slowing you down.


The fog also hides the good things which can be a good or bad thing, as sometimes its easier if you can't see what your missing, you can't beat yourself for missing something you can't see, but then its bad as you have nothing positive to reach for, if you don't see what your missing what have you got to aspire to?.


Its weird to think that I could wake up tomorrow and feel fine, no fog, no weights, I could also feel worse, heavier fog and heavier weights , or I could wake up feeling exactly the same.


I take all the positives of the day to bed with me when I go, allow myself time to relax and switch off and try and get a good nights sleep.
That is all I can currently do to improve things, how I feel when I wake is an unknown, that I don't need to worry about.
Either way its another day, another chance and another challenge to face. :)

Please

Please don't see lazy
Please don't see rude
Please don't see aggressive
Please don't see angry
Please don't see distant
Please don't see anti social
Please don't see it as a choice.
Please don't see it as about you
Please don't see uncommunicative
Please don't see uncooperative


Please don't think I'm not trying
Please don't think I'm not listening
Please don't think I don't care


Please don't take it personally
Please don't say you understand , cause I know you probably don't and I don't want you to


Please don't tell me to try harder
Please don't tell me to snap out of it or get over it
Please don't tell me all I have to do is see the bright side or find the positive


Please don't be offended if I don't answer
Please don't be offended if I say no to something, cause its an achievement just to give an answer.


I already worry I'm lazy,
I already worry I'm rude
I already worry I'm not trying hard enough,
But I also know the effort it takes each and every day to just be.


I already know how hard I work
I already know how tried I get


and I know I'm doing ok, and that's ok.

self esteem

Self esteem is a funny thing, for some its gives them a false sense of being, in self, skills or abilities for other its a debilitating problem.
For me its a challenge I've faced for some time, I'm not actually sure when it first reared its ugly head, it may have creeped up slowly, but there are a few moments that definitely fed or maybe fed on my self esteem.
From having "friends" who complained about me to others or made fun of me, to make themselves feel "cleverer", when still in school, to while in my first full time job, being bullied for months and then having everything about me ripped to shreds including the quantity of tea I didn't drink (that one I can now laugh about). As well as being told constantly I wasn't good enough, and people didn't like me, in a recent "friendship". Although hard at the time, I didn't realise the damage that was being done until most recently when it was too late.


I thought at first my depression was caused by my low self esteem, but I now know that isn't the case, for me its more the depression highlights the low self esteem,  as one of the symptom's of depression is low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness.


When my mood is better, its much easier to ignore the doubts and voices that remind me I'm not good enough at anything, clever enough, pretty enough, not likable or a good enough person.
When my mood lowers, like a dam gate being opened they rush back in full force, stopping me in my tracks and exacerbating the low mood.


There are moments that catch me out, little things that shouldn't really effect me but shine a light on my low self esteem demons.
Getting a compliment for instance, my brain goes into over drive questioning the all sorts of things, why? do I really deserve that?
A small misunderstanding with someone, or a simple comment is all it takes sometimes.
Yesterday I was sent a beautiful quote, it left me feeling very emotional, cause I didn't believe it about me, it couldn't possibly be true, it was a weird mix of emotions, sad and happy. A lovely feeling that someone could think that of me, but also sad because to me its just not true.
Why can't I see that in me ? 
I have glimmers of hope and improvement, I'm stronger now and its easier to believe in the good these days, but these can also make the bad days feel worse, its disappointing when I realise they are still there and able to make me feel so awful.
I've learnt ways of coping with these bad days, and I'm working on making the most of the good moments.

figuring things out

A little while ago I wrote about not being able to put my finger on what I was feeling. I was feeling very sad, down and struggling to do things. I was worried that maybe I was getting poorly again, without really being sure as to why.
The more time went on the more, the more my mood fell and the more my naughty little monsters in my subconscious got free and this just made things worse.
Thankfully this time, it appears it was more of a physical health rather than a mental health thing, in that my thyroid levels had dropped again and this seemed to be the cause, following a change in my medication I've gone from feeling like I wanted to cry all the time and feeling unable to function, to feeling relatively normal again.
It may sound a little strange but it was a relief to find out there was something wrong, something possibly causing the feelings, as its sometimes hard to feel so low and have no tangible reason why. Knowing it wasn't me, in a sense, something out of my control, helped.  You can't fix something if you don't know what's broken.
Its also been a good reminder that I'm still not where I need to be and there are still plenty of monsters in my head I need to defeat. Its disappointing that they are still there and still so destructive and powerful. I've tried not to allow them any power, but once my mood drops they gain power and strength.
You can feel so powerless, the overwhelming sadness, despair and hopelessness is so strong, its a challenge to simply open your eyes in the morning let alone get up and out of bed. The more you fight and struggle with these mundane tasks the more physically and mentally tired you get, the more your mood drops, its a vicious downward cycle. If you add into this the misunderstanding of others and the (probably) well meaning but normally hurtful comments, "you need to try harder", "push yourself" , "need to snap out of it" , or "get over it" can and usually do way more harm than good.
You just want to shout, "its not that easy", "don't you think if it was that easy I would", "do you really think I choose to feel this way", not many people choose to feel depressed, there are probably some out there that may, because it suits them or gets them something they feel they need, but for most of us its not.
Its hard to admit and talk about, but for those of us brave enough to admit and talk about it, to have it dumbed down, that you can just "snap out of it" is crushing.
Also for me the constant "you can talk to me" again I know they mean well and are trying to help, but when you don't know how you feel or don't know why you feel like this or where its come from, you can't, there's simply nothing to say. Sometimes you just need someone to say its ok, I'm here for you, here's a hug. "Hugs always help "
I don't want anyone to stop asking if someone is alright or offering that they can talk if they need to, because there are times when you need to talk, knowing there is someone you can talk to is so powerful.
So at least this time, although its been a tough few weeks, I have a reason behind it and a solution and thankfully I'm on the way up again.
Its hard not to be able to put your finger on a feeling, but it doesn't mean you can't change it , or find a solution.

Lonely

I hear it a lot, and its been commented on my previous blogs, that "you do have friends"
Now I don't want to sound horrible, ungrateful or insulting to those people, but if this is the case, why am I always alone ?
I never hear from anyone, once I finish work, unless its a Zumba night I won't speak to anyone until I arrive at work or the gym the next day. Even when I arrive at work, I still feel completely and utterly alone.
I don't blame anyone, its on me, because why would I hear from anyone when I won't generally contact people either, even if I do pluck up the courage to message someone (forget ringing) then I spend ages planning what to write, but that is the rare occasion I have something to say. I have spent more than a day planning what I wanted to say, even before working up the courage to send a message. I do sometimes worry I talk too much, on the odd occasion, because I haven't talked to anyone for so long, I'll talk and talk without really having a conversation, which isn't nice for the other person.
When I'm at work, I never actually feel like I fit in, I feel different , stupid, and worthless. I struggle to join in to conversations or follow them, I worry I will misunderstand and make myself look stupid, or I'll get something wrong. I'm scared to speak up or make suggestions or even ask a question, because I have been so regularly shouted down and talked down to. Even at salsa I don't feel I fit in, but at least its noisy so I don't have to worry so much about proper conversation.


I have people who care about me and do take the time and effort to talk to me and support me, and I'm incredibly grateful to them as it must be an immense challenge, it can't be easy to be around me , I know I must be hard work. I've definitely been told it a few times, but I also feel it, if I find it exhausting , what must it be like for them?


I know its Ok to be different, and that some people embrace it and its what makes them special, but for me I feel too different or a different type of different, in a way that's isolating and very lonely.


Even when I have been in a situation when I thought I had a good friend or two, I never actually felt like it was their choice, or they were choosing to be my friend, in the back of my mind was that I was a 2nd choice, there by default or because they were friends with someone else. People probably didn't mean to make me feel like that, and probably didn't realise they were doing it. There has been the exceptions but I choose to believe that mostly its not been on purpose.
I may be unfair in saying it, but I've almost never felt like someone wanted me for me, not for something I could do, something I could help with, or escape from someone or something, or just they had no one else at that moment in time,


I debated writing this as I don't want to hurt anyone, or sound ungrateful for what I do have, but sometimes I just have to get it out, and sharing it can help me, and has the potential to help someone else. Trying to explain what goes on in my head, and having feedback that I'm not alone.
I saw a brilliant blog the other day "this is what depression looks like". It was honest and open and like the writer had seen inside my head or life, it was so good to see someone felt like I did and I wasn't alone or abnormal for feeling this way.
For me its getting those thoughts out as well as Thanking those who do "put up with me" xx

Social Noooo? part 2

Battling my social anxiety, is an ongoing challenge. For me its not just going out, it can be simply going over to someone's house.
It can be sometimes easier to say why you don't want to go out, or just avoid it all together but not visiting people can be even harder, how do you say you're terrified of going to someone's house, without hurting their feelings, how do you explain its not about them, but that your scared of everything else, not having anything to say, them just not liking you, feeling silly cause you cant keep up with the conversation or worrying you wont know what's being talked about.
I faced some of that fear recently, at first I felt so energized and proud of myself, tiring and very empowering, but completely exhausting, surely it shouldn't be so hard to just visit someone, or go and do something you love.
For me this is my reality, and its a fight that I don't have the energy for most of the time. By the time I've gotten through the "normal things" I have nothing left for anything else.
Although I found it energizing and empowering for at first that I had managed to visit an old friend and the day after managed the trip to salsa, but after only a couple of hours at salsa the mental exhaustion of trying so hard to be present and make it to either places caught up and I was sat there, basically using what little energy I had left to stay there, fighting the desire to run, determined to make it a little longer , willing myself to enjoy it more and stay.


For a long time my stubbornness or bloodymindedness as I called it, got me to Salsa , people would comment how brave I was, or how they couldn't do it. But not going and missing it was worse and I wasn't going to let the lack of someone to go with mean I didn't go. In all honestly I didn't enjoy the nights I went on my own as much, looking back , it was hard work, fighting the demons in my head, feeling silly being on my own, having no one to go with. Feeling self-conscious being there alone.
I'm not sure why things changed, maybe I just got tired of trying so hard, shouldn't have got easier eventually?
I've been told I should join clubs etc to make new friends but if its such a huge effort to go to somewhere where I actually know people and there is something I really love doing when I get there, how am I supposed to make it somewhere I don't and don't know anyone? where would I find the strength and energy?, when I cant win the battles I face on a day to day basis.
There's always another Salsa night or opportunity to make that visit or even try joining that new club, so I will keep trying and fighting.