figuring things out

A little while ago I wrote about not being able to put my finger on what I was feeling. I was feeling very sad, down and struggling to do things. I was worried that maybe I was getting poorly again, without really being sure as to why.
The more time went on the more, the more my mood fell and the more my naughty little monsters in my subconscious got free and this just made things worse.
Thankfully this time, it appears it was more of a physical health rather than a mental health thing, in that my thyroid levels had dropped again and this seemed to be the cause, following a change in my medication I've gone from feeling like I wanted to cry all the time and feeling unable to function, to feeling relatively normal again.
It may sound a little strange but it was a relief to find out there was something wrong, something possibly causing the feelings, as its sometimes hard to feel so low and have no tangible reason why. Knowing it wasn't me, in a sense, something out of my control, helped.  You can't fix something if you don't know what's broken.
Its also been a good reminder that I'm still not where I need to be and there are still plenty of monsters in my head I need to defeat. Its disappointing that they are still there and still so destructive and powerful. I've tried not to allow them any power, but once my mood drops they gain power and strength.
You can feel so powerless, the overwhelming sadness, despair and hopelessness is so strong, its a challenge to simply open your eyes in the morning let alone get up and out of bed. The more you fight and struggle with these mundane tasks the more physically and mentally tired you get, the more your mood drops, its a vicious downward cycle. If you add into this the misunderstanding of others and the (probably) well meaning but normally hurtful comments, "you need to try harder", "push yourself" , "need to snap out of it" , or "get over it" can and usually do way more harm than good.
You just want to shout, "its not that easy", "don't you think if it was that easy I would", "do you really think I choose to feel this way", not many people choose to feel depressed, there are probably some out there that may, because it suits them or gets them something they feel they need, but for most of us its not.
Its hard to admit and talk about, but for those of us brave enough to admit and talk about it, to have it dumbed down, that you can just "snap out of it" is crushing.
Also for me the constant "you can talk to me" again I know they mean well and are trying to help, but when you don't know how you feel or don't know why you feel like this or where its come from, you can't, there's simply nothing to say. Sometimes you just need someone to say its ok, I'm here for you, here's a hug. "Hugs always help "
I don't want anyone to stop asking if someone is alright or offering that they can talk if they need to, because there are times when you need to talk, knowing there is someone you can talk to is so powerful.
So at least this time, although its been a tough few weeks, I have a reason behind it and a solution and thankfully I'm on the way up again.
Its hard not to be able to put your finger on a feeling, but it doesn't mean you can't change it , or find a solution.

Lonely

I hear it a lot, and its been commented on my previous blogs, that "you do have friends"
Now I don't want to sound horrible, ungrateful or insulting to those people, but if this is the case, why am I always alone ?
I never hear from anyone, once I finish work, unless its a Zumba night I won't speak to anyone until I arrive at work or the gym the next day. Even when I arrive at work, I still feel completely and utterly alone.
I don't blame anyone, its on me, because why would I hear from anyone when I won't generally contact people either, even if I do pluck up the courage to message someone (forget ringing) then I spend ages planning what to write, but that is the rare occasion I have something to say. I have spent more than a day planning what I wanted to say, even before working up the courage to send a message. I do sometimes worry I talk too much, on the odd occasion, because I haven't talked to anyone for so long, I'll talk and talk without really having a conversation, which isn't nice for the other person.
When I'm at work, I never actually feel like I fit in, I feel different , stupid, and worthless. I struggle to join in to conversations or follow them, I worry I will misunderstand and make myself look stupid, or I'll get something wrong. I'm scared to speak up or make suggestions or even ask a question, because I have been so regularly shouted down and talked down to. Even at salsa I don't feel I fit in, but at least its noisy so I don't have to worry so much about proper conversation.


I have people who care about me and do take the time and effort to talk to me and support me, and I'm incredibly grateful to them as it must be an immense challenge, it can't be easy to be around me , I know I must be hard work. I've definitely been told it a few times, but I also feel it, if I find it exhausting , what must it be like for them?


I know its Ok to be different, and that some people embrace it and its what makes them special, but for me I feel too different or a different type of different, in a way that's isolating and very lonely.


Even when I have been in a situation when I thought I had a good friend or two, I never actually felt like it was their choice, or they were choosing to be my friend, in the back of my mind was that I was a 2nd choice, there by default or because they were friends with someone else. People probably didn't mean to make me feel like that, and probably didn't realise they were doing it. There has been the exceptions but I choose to believe that mostly its not been on purpose.
I may be unfair in saying it, but I've almost never felt like someone wanted me for me, not for something I could do, something I could help with, or escape from someone or something, or just they had no one else at that moment in time,


I debated writing this as I don't want to hurt anyone, or sound ungrateful for what I do have, but sometimes I just have to get it out, and sharing it can help me, and has the potential to help someone else. Trying to explain what goes on in my head, and having feedback that I'm not alone.
I saw a brilliant blog the other day "this is what depression looks like". It was honest and open and like the writer had seen inside my head or life, it was so good to see someone felt like I did and I wasn't alone or abnormal for feeling this way.
For me its getting those thoughts out as well as Thanking those who do "put up with me" xx

Social Noooo? part 2

Battling my social anxiety, is an ongoing challenge. For me its not just going out, it can be simply going over to someone's house.
It can be sometimes easier to say why you don't want to go out, or just avoid it all together but not visiting people can be even harder, how do you say you're terrified of going to someone's house, without hurting their feelings, how do you explain its not about them, but that your scared of everything else, not having anything to say, them just not liking you, feeling silly cause you cant keep up with the conversation or worrying you wont know what's being talked about.
I faced some of that fear recently, at first I felt so energized and proud of myself, tiring and very empowering, but completely exhausting, surely it shouldn't be so hard to just visit someone, or go and do something you love.
For me this is my reality, and its a fight that I don't have the energy for most of the time. By the time I've gotten through the "normal things" I have nothing left for anything else.
Although I found it energizing and empowering for at first that I had managed to visit an old friend and the day after managed the trip to salsa, but after only a couple of hours at salsa the mental exhaustion of trying so hard to be present and make it to either places caught up and I was sat there, basically using what little energy I had left to stay there, fighting the desire to run, determined to make it a little longer , willing myself to enjoy it more and stay.


For a long time my stubbornness or bloodymindedness as I called it, got me to Salsa , people would comment how brave I was, or how they couldn't do it. But not going and missing it was worse and I wasn't going to let the lack of someone to go with mean I didn't go. In all honestly I didn't enjoy the nights I went on my own as much, looking back , it was hard work, fighting the demons in my head, feeling silly being on my own, having no one to go with. Feeling self-conscious being there alone.
I'm not sure why things changed, maybe I just got tired of trying so hard, shouldn't have got easier eventually?
I've been told I should join clubs etc to make new friends but if its such a huge effort to go to somewhere where I actually know people and there is something I really love doing when I get there, how am I supposed to make it somewhere I don't and don't know anyone? where would I find the strength and energy?, when I cant win the battles I face on a day to day basis.
There's always another Salsa night or opportunity to make that visit or even try joining that new club, so I will keep trying and fighting.

tears

I just feel like I could cry, the tears are there, just behind my eyes, my eyes stinging with the start of tears, but they just don't want to come out. I'm not entirely sure why or the cause but its there and its not a nice feeling. The last time I felt tearful similar to this but worse at the time, was when I hit my lowest and had to have time off work. Its strange because I don't feel anywhere as bad as I did then and I have so many other things that are better now, but its there, just sneaking a look, behind my eyes. There's also the anxious, worked up,stressed out, and easily annoyed, which could be the cause of  the feelings but also could be part of it.
Everything feels like its going wrong and the smallest thing feels huge. If I comment to someone, that there's a problem with something I'm dealing with, I don't get the answer or reply I need, but is this because of how I'm feeling or is it how I'm dealing with it and reacting to it or is it that they don't care, am I just "complaining again".
I shouldn't feel this bad its only work, but I dread going in the morning, feel overwhelmed soon after arriving and feel the weight of it long after I've left. Why do others seem to have it easier? why are others seemingly allowed to make mistakes? why do I get stuck dealing with the issues? and why do I allow it to bother me.
Sometimes I just think, if the tears could come out I would feel better, maybe letting them all go would help, but would I be able to stop?. They wont come when I need it most, it always seems to be at an inconvenient time or for something less important.
People say it's only work, I say it too, but it takes up such a big part of the day, not just the 8 or so hours your actually in work for but if your dreading it beforehand, its exhausting you while your there, and worrying you after you've left it fills up so much more.
It may not be work though it could be something else, maybe I'm just not doing as well lately, maybe I'm tired, or worried about something.
Just as I was feeling better, its come again, I am handling things better, how does it jump out and still catch me unawares.
One of the frustrating things is not being sure why, I'm sure I could feel better if I knew why or where it was coming from.
I'm sitting here trying to make sense of it, the only time I've not felt tearful since I got up this morning was the hour I was teaching my Zumba class, and maybe half an hour after but by the time I was driving home it was there again. I then worry about feeling that way again, and it makes things worse. It generally helps to write about it, it either pushes me to face the feelings or by writing them down it gets some of it out of my head.
So off to bed I go trying not to be too hard on myself for not feeling so good.
Tomorrow's another day, fresh morning and a chance to feel better and different.

You're Worth It

"You're Worth It" 3 little words, 12 letters. Yet they can mean the world.
As someone who has struggled with pitifully low self esteem and depression, having someone say that is amazing !
This week I celebrated my Zumba "birthday" 12 months since I started my own classes ! I was well and truly surprised and blown away when I arrived at my venue to find it fully decorated by some of my ladies, they had fancy dress and accessories ! I got gifts and cards ! I simply had not expected it and it really was mind blowing, later that evening I posted a thank you on my Facebook page and one of the comments was those 3 little words ! Not only did someone say it, but they had already made me feel it.
It can be hard to accept compliments and praise when struggling with low self esteem, even though its what you desperately what to hear it, when you do, you tend not to believe it or almost not want to believe it, just in case its not true. Those pesky little voices that say "they're only being nice" etc tend to pop up, or for me its also that I got so used to be knocked down again, you can be scared to believe it, cause it hurt so much more when the fall came.
The old adage that "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" is a lovely idea, but unfortunately words can cause so much more damage, especially if combined with matching actions , and or from someone who claims and pretends to care and have your best interests at heart.
You can doubt what your hearing or how your being treated, but if its coming from someone you had put your trust in and claims to care, it can be a very confusing situation and it only takes the tiniest thing that possibly backs up the negative, to allow the negative take over.
The inner battle of who and what to believe is exhausting, the not knowing what to trust, has a negative effect on your self esteem, further chipping away at you. It can cause you to doubt everything and everyone, and unfortunately its always easier to believe the negatives, which isn't a choice you make, it is your brains way of trying to keep you safe.
The best way to win this battle is to simply stay away from those who are negative towards you or around you, which is always easier to say than do. You don't trust yourself anymore. Luckily for me as I've said before I was removed by some of the people involved in some of the criticism so the cycle was broken for me.
Unfortunately the damage was done, and repairing that is a long process. I now concentrate on the people who are happy for me to succeed and want me to do well, the people who are willing to remind me of the positives.
Every "great class" ,"fab class as always" ,"you're worth it" and "  Great class and I for one are so glad you returned to do what you do best Zumba, nobody puts Lisa in the corner happy dancing 💃" mean the world to me, and even though I sometimes don't know how to respond to you, I really do appreciate it. xx

putting my finger on it

In a funny mood today, can't quite put my finger on it, but then again you can't generally put your finger on a mood or feeling can you?
You can feel the results, the tension, shaking, tears or feeling sick, but the mood itself isn't truly touchable. Like air its all around you can feel it moving when the wind blows, it can feel cool or warm but you can't actually touch it. Put your finger on it.
It can be very frustrating when you feel something but aren't sure what it is or why, like trying to grab a handful of air !
When I'm having one of these days I find it best not to overthink it, or to think about it at all, I just try to accept I'm having one of "those days", and allow myself to rest and relax. There's no point in overthinking or worrying about these things, as that point I cannot change the outcome or feelings at that moment I can only look after myself.
The hardest part is the result of these feelings or moods, usually it means I struggle to get anything done, I can't concentrate, or motivate myself to do much at all, food has become one of my bigger struggles, I just can't face eating, I don't want anything to eat at all, even if I do feel hungry , I can't face anything let alone making anything.
I feel very shut down, and have no desire to do anything, usually it only lasts a day or so, but I can feel the effects for a few more days, I've learnt the effects of not eating enough on my system especially when doing my Zumba classes, the tiredness making me doubt my ability to teach and whether I'm doing a good enough job.
It would be nice if I could find an answer as to why, because then I would be able to put things in place to maybe prevent it recurring, make changes to help avoid things, or at least cope better when it does occur.
I hate the feeling, its a weird mixture of sad, lonely, tired, lost and stuck, like moving in slow motion or even not moving at all, time can pass without me doing much at all. Its frustrating having stuff to do and not being able to connect the dots , get my brain working. Its hard to explain and I know some people cannot understand it, which can make things harder on me or anyone struggling with something.
For now I'll continue to deal with the effects as best I can while keeping an eye out for the why. Then maybe I'll be finally able to put my finger on it.

Closing that door

12 months ago today, I closed the door, actually slammed it shut and walked away from a negative and damaging situation I had stayed in because I couldn't see a better way. I wouldn't be better off on my own so why change things?
A situation born out of a once positive friendship that had initially boosted my poor confidence and helped me get out of my closed little world, but had turned into a negative, draining "friendship". But I thought if I kept holding on a little longer I would get to a point where I would be strong enough to change things, I would have other things outside of this "friendship" , other options to follow.
I had started to make changes, I was moving away from the situation, growing as a person and enjoying other friendships and experiences. One particular friendship, proved to be one of the instigators in the ending of the friendship, I could see jealously not only in that this person wanted to spend time with me but also that I wanted to spend time with them.
It took me away from the situation and helped me see things in a new light, and the support that person gave, added much needed strength to fight for myself, and confidence in me and the person I was.


The friendship itself was ended by the other person a few weeks earlier, but I had held on to the idea of the friendship for some time longer, but my hand was forced by a message that was beyond cruel, but that message forced me into a new reality. For the first time I fought back and challenged the cruel, evil words and was able to prove them false. I said my piece, stood up for myself  and ended things, blocking the phone numbers and social media pages. For once and for all slamming that door.
It was an invigorating, exciting and powerful moment for me, a feeling I took with me for some time. It was also challenging as I had to look at things and people differently. Relearn things and how to trust again, not only other people but myself too, I had to be brave enough to try. Hold my head up dealing with my depression, very quickly after the "friendship" initially ended I had been able to return to work, the support and encouragement of the people I was working with, further boosted me and seeing them happy I had shut that door, was further reinforcement that it was right.


By a strange coincidence earlier that same day I had received the news that my very first blog "Looking Back" was to be published on the mental health website I am 1 in 4, which was incredible to me. Shortly after I'd blocked the "friend" it was shared on the websites Facebook page. The comments, likes and shares were again an amazing boost, having strangers comment and offer support was mind boggling.
It was a lesson in the true nature of people, helping me develop my trust in people again. Friends and family members shared my blog with their own beautiful words and support.


It also had one more surprise in store, a friend who I'd lost because of the actions of the "friend" we had in common, did, what to me was very brave thing in getting back in touch with me. Our friendship had always been effected and damaged by the "friend" I mentioned earlier. She could have stayed away, but she didn't she reached out and got in touch, it was hard at first to get my head around things, but the more we talked the more I learnt what she had been put through by this other "friend" and how similar our experiences had been, further proving the cruel words were lies and designed to harm. Her support helped me regain some of my confidence and when I came to creating my own Zumba class, she was right there encouraging me.


Its been over a year since I first put pen to paper and wrote about my feelings and experiences, I still find it very therapeutic as the my pencil flows freely across my note pad, and then my fingers dance across the keyboard , the words easily escape in ways my mouth wont always do.


Thank you to all that support me and took the time to read and share. xx