Battling my social anxiety, is an ongoing challenge. For me its not just going out, it can be simply going over to someone's house.
It can be sometimes easier to say why you don't want to go out, or just avoid it all together but not visiting people can be even harder, how do you say you're terrified of going to someone's house, without hurting their feelings, how do you explain its not about them, but that your scared of everything else, not having anything to say, them just not liking you, feeling silly cause you cant keep up with the conversation or worrying you wont know what's being talked about.
I faced some of that fear recently, at first I felt so energized and proud of myself, tiring and very empowering, but completely exhausting, surely it shouldn't be so hard to just visit someone, or go and do something you love.
For me this is my reality, and its a fight that I don't have the energy for most of the time. By the time I've gotten through the "normal things" I have nothing left for anything else.
Although I found it energizing and empowering for at first that I had managed to visit an old friend and the day after managed the trip to salsa, but after only a couple of hours at salsa the mental exhaustion of trying so hard to be present and make it to either places caught up and I was sat there, basically using what little energy I had left to stay there, fighting the desire to run, determined to make it a little longer , willing myself to enjoy it more and stay.
For a long time my stubbornness or bloodymindedness as I called it, got me to Salsa , people would comment how brave I was, or how they couldn't do it. But not going and missing it was worse and I wasn't going to let the lack of someone to go with mean I didn't go. In all honestly I didn't enjoy the nights I went on my own as much, looking back , it was hard work, fighting the demons in my head, feeling silly being on my own, having no one to go with. Feeling self-conscious being there alone.
I'm not sure why things changed, maybe I just got tired of trying so hard, shouldn't have got easier eventually?
I've been told I should join clubs etc to make new friends but if its such a huge effort to go to somewhere where I actually know people and there is something I really love doing when I get there, how am I supposed to make it somewhere I don't and don't know anyone? where would I find the strength and energy?, when I cant win the battles I face on a day to day basis.
There's always another Salsa night or opportunity to make that visit or even try joining that new club, so I will keep trying and fighting.
Sunday, 8 July 2018
Tuesday, 19 June 2018
tears
I just feel like I could cry, the tears are there, just behind my eyes, my eyes stinging with the start of tears, but they just don't want to come out. I'm not entirely sure why or the cause but its there and its not a nice feeling. The last time I felt tearful similar to this but worse at the time, was when I hit my lowest and had to have time off work. Its strange because I don't feel anywhere as bad as I did then and I have so many other things that are better now, but its there, just sneaking a look, behind my eyes. There's also the anxious, worked up,stressed out, and easily annoyed, which could be the cause of the feelings but also could be part of it.
Everything feels like its going wrong and the smallest thing feels huge. If I comment to someone, that there's a problem with something I'm dealing with, I don't get the answer or reply I need, but is this because of how I'm feeling or is it how I'm dealing with it and reacting to it or is it that they don't care, am I just "complaining again".
I shouldn't feel this bad its only work, but I dread going in the morning, feel overwhelmed soon after arriving and feel the weight of it long after I've left. Why do others seem to have it easier? why are others seemingly allowed to make mistakes? why do I get stuck dealing with the issues? and why do I allow it to bother me.
Sometimes I just think, if the tears could come out I would feel better, maybe letting them all go would help, but would I be able to stop?. They wont come when I need it most, it always seems to be at an inconvenient time or for something less important.
People say it's only work, I say it too, but it takes up such a big part of the day, not just the 8 or so hours your actually in work for but if your dreading it beforehand, its exhausting you while your there, and worrying you after you've left it fills up so much more.
It may not be work though it could be something else, maybe I'm just not doing as well lately, maybe I'm tired, or worried about something.
Just as I was feeling better, its come again, I am handling things better, how does it jump out and still catch me unawares.
One of the frustrating things is not being sure why, I'm sure I could feel better if I knew why or where it was coming from.
I'm sitting here trying to make sense of it, the only time I've not felt tearful since I got up this morning was the hour I was teaching my Zumba class, and maybe half an hour after but by the time I was driving home it was there again. I then worry about feeling that way again, and it makes things worse. It generally helps to write about it, it either pushes me to face the feelings or by writing them down it gets some of it out of my head.
So off to bed I go trying not to be too hard on myself for not feeling so good.
Tomorrow's another day, fresh morning and a chance to feel better and different.
Everything feels like its going wrong and the smallest thing feels huge. If I comment to someone, that there's a problem with something I'm dealing with, I don't get the answer or reply I need, but is this because of how I'm feeling or is it how I'm dealing with it and reacting to it or is it that they don't care, am I just "complaining again".
I shouldn't feel this bad its only work, but I dread going in the morning, feel overwhelmed soon after arriving and feel the weight of it long after I've left. Why do others seem to have it easier? why are others seemingly allowed to make mistakes? why do I get stuck dealing with the issues? and why do I allow it to bother me.
Sometimes I just think, if the tears could come out I would feel better, maybe letting them all go would help, but would I be able to stop?. They wont come when I need it most, it always seems to be at an inconvenient time or for something less important.
People say it's only work, I say it too, but it takes up such a big part of the day, not just the 8 or so hours your actually in work for but if your dreading it beforehand, its exhausting you while your there, and worrying you after you've left it fills up so much more.
It may not be work though it could be something else, maybe I'm just not doing as well lately, maybe I'm tired, or worried about something.
Just as I was feeling better, its come again, I am handling things better, how does it jump out and still catch me unawares.
One of the frustrating things is not being sure why, I'm sure I could feel better if I knew why or where it was coming from.
I'm sitting here trying to make sense of it, the only time I've not felt tearful since I got up this morning was the hour I was teaching my Zumba class, and maybe half an hour after but by the time I was driving home it was there again. I then worry about feeling that way again, and it makes things worse. It generally helps to write about it, it either pushes me to face the feelings or by writing them down it gets some of it out of my head.
So off to bed I go trying not to be too hard on myself for not feeling so good.
Tomorrow's another day, fresh morning and a chance to feel better and different.
Sunday, 17 June 2018
You're Worth It
"You're Worth It" 3 little words, 12 letters. Yet they can mean the world.
As someone who has struggled with pitifully low self esteem and depression, having someone say that is amazing !
This week I celebrated my Zumba "birthday" 12 months since I started my own classes ! I was well and truly surprised and blown away when I arrived at my venue to find it fully decorated by some of my ladies, they had fancy dress and accessories ! I got gifts and cards ! I simply had not expected it and it really was mind blowing, later that evening I posted a thank you on my Facebook page and one of the comments was those 3 little words ! Not only did someone say it, but they had already made me feel it.
It can be hard to accept compliments and praise when struggling with low self esteem, even though its what you desperately what to hear it, when you do, you tend not to believe it or almost not want to believe it, just in case its not true. Those pesky little voices that say "they're only being nice" etc tend to pop up, or for me its also that I got so used to be knocked down again, you can be scared to believe it, cause it hurt so much more when the fall came.
The old adage that "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" is a lovely idea, but unfortunately words can cause so much more damage, especially if combined with matching actions , and or from someone who claims and pretends to care and have your best interests at heart.
You can doubt what your hearing or how your being treated, but if its coming from someone you had put your trust in and claims to care, it can be a very confusing situation and it only takes the tiniest thing that possibly backs up the negative, to allow the negative take over.
The inner battle of who and what to believe is exhausting, the not knowing what to trust, has a negative effect on your self esteem, further chipping away at you. It can cause you to doubt everything and everyone, and unfortunately its always easier to believe the negatives, which isn't a choice you make, it is your brains way of trying to keep you safe.
The best way to win this battle is to simply stay away from those who are negative towards you or around you, which is always easier to say than do. You don't trust yourself anymore. Luckily for me as I've said before I was removed by some of the people involved in some of the criticism so the cycle was broken for me.
Unfortunately the damage was done, and repairing that is a long process. I now concentrate on the people who are happy for me to succeed and want me to do well, the people who are willing to remind me of the positives.
Every "great class" ,"fab class as always" ,"you're worth it" and " Great class and I for one are so glad you returned to do what you do best Zumba, nobody puts Lisa in the corner happy dancing
💃
" mean the world to me, and even though I sometimes don't know how to respond to you, I really do appreciate it. xx
As someone who has struggled with pitifully low self esteem and depression, having someone say that is amazing !
This week I celebrated my Zumba "birthday" 12 months since I started my own classes ! I was well and truly surprised and blown away when I arrived at my venue to find it fully decorated by some of my ladies, they had fancy dress and accessories ! I got gifts and cards ! I simply had not expected it and it really was mind blowing, later that evening I posted a thank you on my Facebook page and one of the comments was those 3 little words ! Not only did someone say it, but they had already made me feel it.
It can be hard to accept compliments and praise when struggling with low self esteem, even though its what you desperately what to hear it, when you do, you tend not to believe it or almost not want to believe it, just in case its not true. Those pesky little voices that say "they're only being nice" etc tend to pop up, or for me its also that I got so used to be knocked down again, you can be scared to believe it, cause it hurt so much more when the fall came.
The old adage that "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" is a lovely idea, but unfortunately words can cause so much more damage, especially if combined with matching actions , and or from someone who claims and pretends to care and have your best interests at heart.
You can doubt what your hearing or how your being treated, but if its coming from someone you had put your trust in and claims to care, it can be a very confusing situation and it only takes the tiniest thing that possibly backs up the negative, to allow the negative take over.
The inner battle of who and what to believe is exhausting, the not knowing what to trust, has a negative effect on your self esteem, further chipping away at you. It can cause you to doubt everything and everyone, and unfortunately its always easier to believe the negatives, which isn't a choice you make, it is your brains way of trying to keep you safe.
The best way to win this battle is to simply stay away from those who are negative towards you or around you, which is always easier to say than do. You don't trust yourself anymore. Luckily for me as I've said before I was removed by some of the people involved in some of the criticism so the cycle was broken for me.
Unfortunately the damage was done, and repairing that is a long process. I now concentrate on the people who are happy for me to succeed and want me to do well, the people who are willing to remind me of the positives.
Every "great class" ,"fab class as always" ,"you're worth it" and " Great class and I for one are so glad you returned to do what you do best Zumba, nobody puts Lisa in the corner happy dancing
💃" mean the world to me, and even though I sometimes don't know how to respond to you, I really do appreciate it. xx
Sunday, 27 May 2018
putting my finger on it
In a funny mood today, can't quite put my finger on it, but then again you can't generally put your finger on a mood or feeling can you?
You can feel the results, the tension, shaking, tears or feeling sick, but the mood itself isn't truly touchable. Like air its all around you can feel it moving when the wind blows, it can feel cool or warm but you can't actually touch it. Put your finger on it.
It can be very frustrating when you feel something but aren't sure what it is or why, like trying to grab a handful of air !
When I'm having one of these days I find it best not to overthink it, or to think about it at all, I just try to accept I'm having one of "those days", and allow myself to rest and relax. There's no point in overthinking or worrying about these things, as that point I cannot change the outcome or feelings at that moment I can only look after myself.
The hardest part is the result of these feelings or moods, usually it means I struggle to get anything done, I can't concentrate, or motivate myself to do much at all, food has become one of my bigger struggles, I just can't face eating, I don't want anything to eat at all, even if I do feel hungry , I can't face anything let alone making anything.
I feel very shut down, and have no desire to do anything, usually it only lasts a day or so, but I can feel the effects for a few more days, I've learnt the effects of not eating enough on my system especially when doing my Zumba classes, the tiredness making me doubt my ability to teach and whether I'm doing a good enough job.
It would be nice if I could find an answer as to why, because then I would be able to put things in place to maybe prevent it recurring, make changes to help avoid things, or at least cope better when it does occur.
I hate the feeling, its a weird mixture of sad, lonely, tired, lost and stuck, like moving in slow motion or even not moving at all, time can pass without me doing much at all. Its frustrating having stuff to do and not being able to connect the dots , get my brain working. Its hard to explain and I know some people cannot understand it, which can make things harder on me or anyone struggling with something.
For now I'll continue to deal with the effects as best I can while keeping an eye out for the why. Then maybe I'll be finally able to put my finger on it.
You can feel the results, the tension, shaking, tears or feeling sick, but the mood itself isn't truly touchable. Like air its all around you can feel it moving when the wind blows, it can feel cool or warm but you can't actually touch it. Put your finger on it.
It can be very frustrating when you feel something but aren't sure what it is or why, like trying to grab a handful of air !
When I'm having one of these days I find it best not to overthink it, or to think about it at all, I just try to accept I'm having one of "those days", and allow myself to rest and relax. There's no point in overthinking or worrying about these things, as that point I cannot change the outcome or feelings at that moment I can only look after myself.
The hardest part is the result of these feelings or moods, usually it means I struggle to get anything done, I can't concentrate, or motivate myself to do much at all, food has become one of my bigger struggles, I just can't face eating, I don't want anything to eat at all, even if I do feel hungry , I can't face anything let alone making anything.
I feel very shut down, and have no desire to do anything, usually it only lasts a day or so, but I can feel the effects for a few more days, I've learnt the effects of not eating enough on my system especially when doing my Zumba classes, the tiredness making me doubt my ability to teach and whether I'm doing a good enough job.
It would be nice if I could find an answer as to why, because then I would be able to put things in place to maybe prevent it recurring, make changes to help avoid things, or at least cope better when it does occur.
I hate the feeling, its a weird mixture of sad, lonely, tired, lost and stuck, like moving in slow motion or even not moving at all, time can pass without me doing much at all. Its frustrating having stuff to do and not being able to connect the dots , get my brain working. Its hard to explain and I know some people cannot understand it, which can make things harder on me or anyone struggling with something.
For now I'll continue to deal with the effects as best I can while keeping an eye out for the why. Then maybe I'll be finally able to put my finger on it.
Wednesday, 2 May 2018
Closing that door
12 months ago today, I closed the door, actually slammed it shut and walked away from a negative and damaging situation I had stayed in because I couldn't see a better way. I wouldn't be better off on my own so why change things?
A situation born out of a once positive friendship that had initially boosted my poor confidence and helped me get out of my closed little world, but had turned into a negative, draining "friendship". But I thought if I kept holding on a little longer I would get to a point where I would be strong enough to change things, I would have other things outside of this "friendship" , other options to follow.
I had started to make changes, I was moving away from the situation, growing as a person and enjoying other friendships and experiences. One particular friendship, proved to be one of the instigators in the ending of the friendship, I could see jealously not only in that this person wanted to spend time with me but also that I wanted to spend time with them.
It took me away from the situation and helped me see things in a new light, and the support that person gave, added much needed strength to fight for myself, and confidence in me and the person I was.
The friendship itself was ended by the other person a few weeks earlier, but I had held on to the idea of the friendship for some time longer, but my hand was forced by a message that was beyond cruel, but that message forced me into a new reality. For the first time I fought back and challenged the cruel, evil words and was able to prove them false. I said my piece, stood up for myself and ended things, blocking the phone numbers and social media pages. For once and for all slamming that door.
It was an invigorating, exciting and powerful moment for me, a feeling I took with me for some time. It was also challenging as I had to look at things and people differently. Relearn things and how to trust again, not only other people but myself too, I had to be brave enough to try. Hold my head up dealing with my depression, very quickly after the "friendship" initially ended I had been able to return to work, the support and encouragement of the people I was working with, further boosted me and seeing them happy I had shut that door, was further reinforcement that it was right.
By a strange coincidence earlier that same day I had received the news that my very first blog "Looking Back" was to be published on the mental health website I am 1 in 4, which was incredible to me. Shortly after I'd blocked the "friend" it was shared on the websites Facebook page. The comments, likes and shares were again an amazing boost, having strangers comment and offer support was mind boggling.
It was a lesson in the true nature of people, helping me develop my trust in people again. Friends and family members shared my blog with their own beautiful words and support.
It also had one more surprise in store, a friend who I'd lost because of the actions of the "friend" we had in common, did, what to me was very brave thing in getting back in touch with me. Our friendship had always been effected and damaged by the "friend" I mentioned earlier. She could have stayed away, but she didn't she reached out and got in touch, it was hard at first to get my head around things, but the more we talked the more I learnt what she had been put through by this other "friend" and how similar our experiences had been, further proving the cruel words were lies and designed to harm. Her support helped me regain some of my confidence and when I came to creating my own Zumba class, she was right there encouraging me.
Its been over a year since I first put pen to paper and wrote about my feelings and experiences, I still find it very therapeutic as the my pencil flows freely across my note pad, and then my fingers dance across the keyboard , the words easily escape in ways my mouth wont always do.
Thank you to all that support me and took the time to read and share. xx
A situation born out of a once positive friendship that had initially boosted my poor confidence and helped me get out of my closed little world, but had turned into a negative, draining "friendship". But I thought if I kept holding on a little longer I would get to a point where I would be strong enough to change things, I would have other things outside of this "friendship" , other options to follow.
I had started to make changes, I was moving away from the situation, growing as a person and enjoying other friendships and experiences. One particular friendship, proved to be one of the instigators in the ending of the friendship, I could see jealously not only in that this person wanted to spend time with me but also that I wanted to spend time with them.
It took me away from the situation and helped me see things in a new light, and the support that person gave, added much needed strength to fight for myself, and confidence in me and the person I was.
The friendship itself was ended by the other person a few weeks earlier, but I had held on to the idea of the friendship for some time longer, but my hand was forced by a message that was beyond cruel, but that message forced me into a new reality. For the first time I fought back and challenged the cruel, evil words and was able to prove them false. I said my piece, stood up for myself and ended things, blocking the phone numbers and social media pages. For once and for all slamming that door.
It was an invigorating, exciting and powerful moment for me, a feeling I took with me for some time. It was also challenging as I had to look at things and people differently. Relearn things and how to trust again, not only other people but myself too, I had to be brave enough to try. Hold my head up dealing with my depression, very quickly after the "friendship" initially ended I had been able to return to work, the support and encouragement of the people I was working with, further boosted me and seeing them happy I had shut that door, was further reinforcement that it was right.
By a strange coincidence earlier that same day I had received the news that my very first blog "Looking Back" was to be published on the mental health website I am 1 in 4, which was incredible to me. Shortly after I'd blocked the "friend" it was shared on the websites Facebook page. The comments, likes and shares were again an amazing boost, having strangers comment and offer support was mind boggling.
It was a lesson in the true nature of people, helping me develop my trust in people again. Friends and family members shared my blog with their own beautiful words and support.
It also had one more surprise in store, a friend who I'd lost because of the actions of the "friend" we had in common, did, what to me was very brave thing in getting back in touch with me. Our friendship had always been effected and damaged by the "friend" I mentioned earlier. She could have stayed away, but she didn't she reached out and got in touch, it was hard at first to get my head around things, but the more we talked the more I learnt what she had been put through by this other "friend" and how similar our experiences had been, further proving the cruel words were lies and designed to harm. Her support helped me regain some of my confidence and when I came to creating my own Zumba class, she was right there encouraging me.
Its been over a year since I first put pen to paper and wrote about my feelings and experiences, I still find it very therapeutic as the my pencil flows freely across my note pad, and then my fingers dance across the keyboard , the words easily escape in ways my mouth wont always do.
Thank you to all that support me and took the time to read and share. xx
Saturday, 28 April 2018
Fearless Limitless
When I first needed a "business name" Fearless and Limitless came to mind, as it was something I wanted to be. I didn't want to be afraid anymore or be limited by my limitations. Putting my dream into words and into my business was a way to drive me, to keep me moving forward ,but also to give it a name.
I still have the same fears and limits but they are smaller and I'm stronger and more able to fight them.
Fear can be limiting, it can cause all sorts of difficulties, from just nerves to being completely frozen, and so much in between. For me it depends on the situation as to how it appears, sometimes I wouldn't even be aware of it. I could nervously giggle when confronted by someone, cry with fear, go silent, or freeze. When it came to having to speak in front of people it was terror, tears or my mind going completely blank, when I was riding it was pulling on the reins without wanting to, in my Zumba it was not moving as well, not being as strong and powerful, not connecting with the clients, again it was a subconscious thing, that I wasn't fully aware of, or was able to control. I can see a huge difference now, even feel it ! it feels easier, it flows and feels natural, its now one of the only times I feel free, I can be silly and not feel silly. I want to be able to take this feeling into more areas of my life, take that silly factor and freedom with me wherever I go.
Fear can also be powerful and driving, making me want to beat it. It gives you something to fight for or against.
Limitations can also be a wide collection of things, mental and physical. From being a little on the short side (in Zumba clients can't see me) to self doubt and shyness. There are some things I can't change, I'm never going to be any taller, I'll always have trouble reaching the higher shelves. That's ok cause it doesn't effect who I am. I've worked through those limitations that I can.
"Limitless" also comes from wanting to have no limits on what I can achieve, where I can go. I've been told "no" too many times, or been told I'm not good enough or aren't aggressive/fierce enough (certain rhythm's in Zumba need more swagger or attitude). That I don't have the right attitude to move forward, get a promotion. But these just give me something else to fight against, and enjoy proving wrong.
The worst limitations are the ones we put on ourselves "I'll never understand that" "I'm too uncoordinated" "its not my thing" these can come from our brains trying to protect us, but they don't always protect us, they place limits on what we can achieve. We have to fight those, use positive self talk, or just taking a step or if possible a leap of faith into the unknown.
Setting up and running Fearless Limitless Fitness, making it a success and loving every minute is what I wanted and will continue to do.
Be Fearless. Be Limitless and always to true to you, don't accept anyone's opinion of you even its your own.
Monday, 23 April 2018
worry
I worry sometimes I'm getting ill again, not in a hypochondriac kind of way, not my physical health, but in the way of my mental health. Is this a little blip, a bad day or few days, or am I just over tired ?
Its hard to tell for certain, but at least I'm aware of it. When I was first unwell, I didn't know it, I was always tired and felt heavy, I knew I wasn't happy but I thought it would get better of course it didn't, I just got even more tired, both physically and mentally. It wasn't until I sort help and started to feel better that, that weight was lifted and some of that tiredness left. I realised I could feel better and more importantly it wasn't my fault.
Being aware of your emotions and feelings does help as you can keep an eye on things, but it also can hinder as you add to your worries, worrying that there's something wrong. Draining some of that energy you need to keep moving forward, getting better or just getting through that day.
I've found for me its best to accept I'm not myself and if I can take a little time for myself to rest and recover, I do, sometimes all it takes is a quiet couple of hours, or ensuring I get more sleep (or trying too) knowing that being overtired can affect my mood.
I've learnt that being overtired is one of my triggers, so when I start to feel that way, I do what I can to make things better, I take a little time for myself, book some time off work, have a lie in and do my best to not criticize myself or beat myself up over it.
Its not something that everyone will understand, and I'm ok with that. Learning that "its ok not to be ok" has been a weight off my mind, a relief.
I've been lucky so far as I haven't experienced much negativity when I've talked about my struggles, there are still people who don't understand and there always will be. That's ok as I don't want them too, cause to truly understand you need to experience it, and I don't want that for anyone, I would rather they not "get it" than actually know how it feels. Its hard to deal with some people who think or claim they understand, or those who don't and don't seem to want to, as you feel like your talking to a brick wall and getting nowhere, but that's one of those little blips, it can worry me, dent me a little but I'll pick myself back up again, as I know now how to "treat" that and move on.
Its hard to tell for certain, but at least I'm aware of it. When I was first unwell, I didn't know it, I was always tired and felt heavy, I knew I wasn't happy but I thought it would get better of course it didn't, I just got even more tired, both physically and mentally. It wasn't until I sort help and started to feel better that, that weight was lifted and some of that tiredness left. I realised I could feel better and more importantly it wasn't my fault.
Being aware of your emotions and feelings does help as you can keep an eye on things, but it also can hinder as you add to your worries, worrying that there's something wrong. Draining some of that energy you need to keep moving forward, getting better or just getting through that day.
I've found for me its best to accept I'm not myself and if I can take a little time for myself to rest and recover, I do, sometimes all it takes is a quiet couple of hours, or ensuring I get more sleep (or trying too) knowing that being overtired can affect my mood.
I've learnt that being overtired is one of my triggers, so when I start to feel that way, I do what I can to make things better, I take a little time for myself, book some time off work, have a lie in and do my best to not criticize myself or beat myself up over it.
Its not something that everyone will understand, and I'm ok with that. Learning that "its ok not to be ok" has been a weight off my mind, a relief.
I've been lucky so far as I haven't experienced much negativity when I've talked about my struggles, there are still people who don't understand and there always will be. That's ok as I don't want them too, cause to truly understand you need to experience it, and I don't want that for anyone, I would rather they not "get it" than actually know how it feels. Its hard to deal with some people who think or claim they understand, or those who don't and don't seem to want to, as you feel like your talking to a brick wall and getting nowhere, but that's one of those little blips, it can worry me, dent me a little but I'll pick myself back up again, as I know now how to "treat" that and move on.
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