comfort blankets

I've recently lost a few of my "comfort blankets/ safety nets", before losing them I was aware of them, 2 more so than the other.
The first was my Zumba, from when I first started attending classes it was a stress relief, an escape, the music and dancing freed me from doubts and worries, nervous tension was released. It was my coping mechanism for so many aspects. It also became something that grew my confidence and helped me overcome some of my self consciousness, generally this only extended to the classes, but it meant I was able to complete my Instructor course and get my licence, which lead on to eventually running my own classes.
Sadly after almost 2 years the class numbers dropped, it became more stress than a relief and the low numbers affected my self confidence. The low numbers moved my comfort blanket just enough to release some of my demons, reminding me I wasn't good enough. It became that it was doing more harm than good, so I had to decide to stop the classes, in the end it wasn't as hard a decision as I thought it would be, as it came as a relief in a way.
Once they had finished I no longer had that "comfort blanket" or safety net, to keep the stresses away and the inner demons ran free, playing on all my insecurities and doubts. See "you aren't good enough after all" your a failure, not likeable enough, you were wrong you weren't good at it and didn't do a good enough job. If I couldn't even make something I was passionate about work, then I was good enough to do anything,
In the following week, it became evident that my best friend for the last 18 years, my baby, my beautiful horse India wasn't doing so well. Her age had caught up to her, and after a few months of good and bad days, it was finally time to say goodbye. Even through she wasn't feeling great, she was still there for me, her unconditional love was something that never faltered. She loved the fuss and treats. Knowing it was my responsibility to care for her and deciding it was time to say goodbye , is one of the hardest and easiest decisions I've had to make, as I knew she wasn't well, and I could make sure she would no longer suffer, and prevent her from suffering as she continued to deteriorate.
It was far harder to make the arrangements and wait for it to happen then actually making the decision. Also the fact that I was losing my best friend , the constant, one "person" I could truly count on, was physically painful. No matter what she was there for me, no matter the day, time, weather... she was there, I could stand there in floods of tears and she would just stand with me, there was never any judgement she never gave advice, or shared her point of view, it was unquestioning love and support.
I was left feeling broken, there was a piece of me missing, there was a hole that couldn't be filled. A 18 year relationship gone, and suddenly after over 20 years, I didn't have a horse to look after, I didn't have to go to check on her, my days had been structured around horses for so long, that I was lost.   After only 2 weeks another comfort blanket was gone.
Within a few days, my 3rd and not so obvious safety net was removed. I've always been uncomfortable in crowds and having people behind me, even at home with my family I always had to sit with my back to the wall while at the dinner table. I have also become aware of a level of social anxiety I have developed.
Comfort blanket 3 was where I sat in work , now to some this would seem like no big deal, but where I sat was a "safe" zone for me, in a corner, away from the busiest area of the office. It meant I could cope with the day to stress of work. So when I was told I had to move to another desk, which position was the worst possible place for me to sit, I was terrified. Not only was I being moved to the most uncomfortable position I could of been moved to, it was following the loss of my 2 of my comfort blankets, I had no safety net to catch me and I falling.
The anxiety of having to sit where I was being told I had to sit despite discussing with my manager on multiple occasions how hard a move would be for me and telling her again once the move was announced, was unbearable. I never knew I had this level of anxiety, and had no idea how to cope.
Somehow I survived the first few days, I left work early and spent as much time away from my desk as possible, also as when I lost my first 2 comfort blankets, I cried and I cried a lot. I sort help from people, avoided thinking about any of it, and just kept trying to put one foot in front of the other.
This last few weeks have been tough, really tough but I am now moving closer to feeling better, and even without India, horses are still a big part of my life and I am always going to have them in my life and I will continue to dance, not Zumba but dance.

Walls

Walls, they are everywhere, I'm surrounded by them, both physical and mental. Some that I've built myself, others that are built by others.
The physical ones are usually there to keep you safe from something, to keep you warm, dry, protect your possessions or land, or to keep the bad things away. Some are built to segregate people or races. Both in the past and present walls are built to separate people usually for the gain of the few, without it mattering what the cost to those separated is.


Many walls are built by fear, both real and presumed danger, caused by facts, beliefs, experiences and words. We have an inbuilt part of us that is there to keep us safe, which in the past kept us alive, but now the dangers have changed, yet that part of our brain still exists and wants to do its job.


I haven't done much physical wall building, though I have done a little tiny bit. I do have some mighty mental ones, high and thick, totally impregnable. I don't remember building them or being aware of them going up, but they are there keeping me safe. I am aware of them almost all the time. They hide some of the bad stuff, that I don't want to think about, too keep them from causing more pain, but the walls also create their own pain, they keep people away, they keep me shut down and unable to open myself even the smallest amount. They block out the light and air, they cause constant questions and doubt, they create fear. This constant doubt and fear cause me to avoid situations, knowing I wont open up or talk, which means i'll be uncomfortable,  feeling silly for having nothing to say and even worrying someone will try to talk to me, the wall is there blocking any thoughts from forming or even reaching my lips.


My walls also have guards, they warn against lowering the walls, as if I speak, share or spend time with people the will see the emptiness I have inside, that I have nothing to offer, that I'm a "loser", different, and weird. They'll see there's not much to like. Exposing people to that inner me will make them leave and i'll be even more alone.
If people are there but not too close, I wont be totally alone, I know I cant live like that, because i'll end up hurting myself and others, (I already am) but I don't know how to be any different, the very rare occasion the walls have been breached a little and I've tried to put my trust in someone, I've been hurt, which has only made the walls stronger and thicker.


Some places have moats outside of the walls for added protection, I think mine are on the inside, and I think I may be lost in between the wall and moat, as i'm not sure I really know myself, or who I really am, I cant let someone see the "real" me as I don't know I know who that is or if I'd like that person. I've been told how strong I am but I don't know what it is they see , other than the walls I've built , that are sometimes the only thing that keeps me standing.

I don't want to have mental walls surrounding me and keeping me away from people, but i didn't choose to build them, and i don't know where the weak point is, but once i find it and figure out a way to pull them down, i'll be free of them.