After weeks, or more likely months, we've been force fed the idea that Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year ! and for most it probably is, now we are in the middle of "most wonderful time of the year" and New Year excitement. Again being force fed the idea we have to be excited and will be partying, and celebrating and for many people I know its a fun time, we get time off work and get to spend time with loved ones.
But for some like me, who struggle with depression and or anxiety, it can be really hard work, not that its hard to spend time with loved ones etc, I know I'm lucky to spend christmas with my family.
I don't wish to waste a moment of that time, but it can be exhausting, whether because your trying so hard to be present and "enjoy" yourself and have "fun" or from trying so hard to be ok, or just to keep up. I will at some point end up feeling guilty or bad for not spending as much time with loved ones as I can but I will need alone time at some point.
It all adds up to being a time of year I don't look forward to, spending time with my family is always special but the rest of the "christmas" stuff I really could do without.
Then after making it through the main days of Christmas you then have the new year to look "forward" to. Social media is full of the reflections of the past year and expectations of the year to come. I've never quite got the excitement of a new year, its just a change of number really. It is though a sort of line in the sand for people, a chance to start something new, or try something they haven't before. Exclamations that the year to come will be this and that.
I wish I could find the excitement in the New Year to come, but it fills me with fear, fear of things not getting any better, of the another "wasted" year, not getting any further forward or being any better, spending another year alone and lonely. I'd like to hope for a better future, but I've learnt that, that's not in my story, not in my future, I wasn't built like that. I don't believe it fate, or that things are designed to be a certain way, as I do believe you make your own future and destiny, but my past has taught me that to hope for better is to allow in the pain of loss and disappointment. I'm no longer or currently not strong enough face the fear of more failure and more let downs.
I know it sounds negative and I know things won't improve without effort from me, but its hard to see past the past and the let downs, to see that things can be better. When all the lights go out how can you see where to go?, you can stay still, move slowly, trip and fall, wait for the light to come back or stride on forward regardless of the dangers. I want to be someone who strides forward but I am at the moment somewhere between staying still and moving slowly, following a trip and fall. The resulting pain stopping me in my tracks.
As the new year starts I will look forward ,in my own way, and in my best way I can. The fall giving me/reminding me of something I need to work on or at least face, so the next trip maybe won't result in a fall or if it does means I'll be able to get up easier.
Either way another year is coming to an end with its ups, downs and confusions, and another one is starting which will contain, its own ups, downs and curve balls. Time will tick on and the number at the end of the date will change, the rest well ……… lets see .
Friday, 28 December 2018
Saturday, 15 December 2018
Alone
Its been hurting again, that alone feeling, having almost no one to talk to and it hurting too much to actually speak about it. There have been people there who wanted to help but the pain was too bad and it meant facing some of my biggest demons, which I simply don't have the strength for.
I hadn't realised how large a couple of those particular demons were still until something in my personal life changed. I had put my trust into someone and that had put a "butterfly stitch " over the wounds I had , unfortunately these wounds hadn't healed so when that was removed all that pain flowed out again.
I crashed and felt like I was falling apart, I couldn't stop the tears and the pain made it difficult to breathe.
All my doubts and fears were released, running free. It took all my energy to be ok, if I let myself think about things, I would fall down, I never realised an internal pain could hurt so much, that it could take my breath away.
Having my faith in people tested after being let down, shook me to my core, realising that how I felt was different, that my mind had run away with me.
I had let my guard down and hoped for a better future, believing that maybe just maybe there was something more for me.
The questions of would I ever be normal, or have a normal relationship?, will I always be alone ? Why do I struggle so much with things that to everyone else is completely normal ?
As much as I do try, I feel so uncomfortable around most people, I worry I'm not good enough, that I'm too different.
I know I'm not like most people, I know I'm different and I worry there is something wrong with me...………
wow I said it, but its true, I'm not going on my christmas works do, because of how uncomfortable I am in those situations, as much as I enjoy my time with my work colleagues and even like them (also true) those situations terrify me and exhaust me in trying so hard to be ok, when I simply am not.
I don't want to be alone, but I also cannot see anything different in my future, if I can't even cope with a works do, how am I ever going to be able to meet someone and even if I did , who would want me ? What would I have to offer them?
I have met so few people I have been able to talk to openly, even with them I find it difficult to be completely open and share what really goes on in my head sometimes. Those people made me feel a little less different, and gave me a glimmer of hope that things wouldn't always be so difficult.
having one of those people no longer be one of those people has been so difficult, and it has left me vulnerable to my demons again.
No one person can fix me I know that and I don't want anyone to, it not fair that just because I struggle with all those things most people don't , doesn't mean those one or two people should put up with me either.
I wish I could say or be ok, with being different, and I don't mean a little quirky, but I'm not because my different means I'm alone, and lonely, unable to fit in with others and never feel comfortable in social situations (even family times) .
I will always hope things will get better or at least I simply will find a way to be more comfortable in my own skin, or mind. I don't want to go through my life alone, but I worry things wont get any better. I don't know how to be different or find a way to be more comfortable, or have the strength to deal with those situations that I find so difficult.
At least here I can share a little of it.
I hadn't realised how large a couple of those particular demons were still until something in my personal life changed. I had put my trust into someone and that had put a "butterfly stitch " over the wounds I had , unfortunately these wounds hadn't healed so when that was removed all that pain flowed out again.
I crashed and felt like I was falling apart, I couldn't stop the tears and the pain made it difficult to breathe.
All my doubts and fears were released, running free. It took all my energy to be ok, if I let myself think about things, I would fall down, I never realised an internal pain could hurt so much, that it could take my breath away.
Having my faith in people tested after being let down, shook me to my core, realising that how I felt was different, that my mind had run away with me.
I had let my guard down and hoped for a better future, believing that maybe just maybe there was something more for me.
The questions of would I ever be normal, or have a normal relationship?, will I always be alone ? Why do I struggle so much with things that to everyone else is completely normal ?
As much as I do try, I feel so uncomfortable around most people, I worry I'm not good enough, that I'm too different.
I know I'm not like most people, I know I'm different and I worry there is something wrong with me...………
wow I said it, but its true, I'm not going on my christmas works do, because of how uncomfortable I am in those situations, as much as I enjoy my time with my work colleagues and even like them (also true) those situations terrify me and exhaust me in trying so hard to be ok, when I simply am not.
I don't want to be alone, but I also cannot see anything different in my future, if I can't even cope with a works do, how am I ever going to be able to meet someone and even if I did , who would want me ? What would I have to offer them?
I have met so few people I have been able to talk to openly, even with them I find it difficult to be completely open and share what really goes on in my head sometimes. Those people made me feel a little less different, and gave me a glimmer of hope that things wouldn't always be so difficult.
having one of those people no longer be one of those people has been so difficult, and it has left me vulnerable to my demons again.
No one person can fix me I know that and I don't want anyone to, it not fair that just because I struggle with all those things most people don't , doesn't mean those one or two people should put up with me either.
I wish I could say or be ok, with being different, and I don't mean a little quirky, but I'm not because my different means I'm alone, and lonely, unable to fit in with others and never feel comfortable in social situations (even family times) .
I will always hope things will get better or at least I simply will find a way to be more comfortable in my own skin, or mind. I don't want to go through my life alone, but I worry things wont get any better. I don't know how to be different or find a way to be more comfortable, or have the strength to deal with those situations that I find so difficult.
At least here I can share a little of it.
my thoughts havent been escaping
Its been a crazy and confusing few months, which has got in the way of writing . From shock to deep sadness, to relief and happiness and utter confusion.
My mind hasn't been able to cope and process the information and situations I've found myself in.
I usually find writing helpful, getting it out of my head, helping me make sense of things and face things I need to. Even when things get too much and I'm unable to actually speak, when the emotions go out of control the tears flow and I find it difficult to breathe making speaking impossible. Even when I can't see through the tears my pencil will keep moving, flowing across the page (though sometimes I can't always fully read what I wrote down), expressing all those things that get stuck inside.
It can be both good and bad, good as its therapeutic getting things out, and helps me face it, but also that means facing it which can be so painful, and exhausting. Sometimes I know its there but it just hurts too much. I won't think about it and escape by playing a game on my phone or tablet, or scrolling through social media, anything but let the cogs in my brain turn.
Sometimes it goes no further than a scribbled bit of writing, then other times if I can it will turn into a blog.
Until this last couple of weeks it has been confusion more than sadness that has blocked my writing, not being able to make sense enough to put pencil to paper, having nothing scribbled to transfer to type.
I ended up in a situation that I couldn't make sense of, having someone come back into my life, and being unsure as to why or if I really wanted them there, they persisted and I let my guard down a little but it left me very uneasy and uncomfortable, it brought back uncomfortable , painful memories and introduced questions I couldn't answer.
Thankfully things came out that made my decision for me, freeing me from the confusion and doubt, but also bringing with it, new questions and some confusion.
It turned things upside down for a while, everything I had believed in for the last almost 2 years , was wrong and everything I had thought before that time turned out to be true.
Although this also brought with it uncomfortable memories it also brought good memories too.
As the "dust" settled and things calmed down, all of this turned into a blessing renewing an old friendship and old relationships, lifting a weight I hadn't realised I was carrying around, and things started to make sense again.
It has been another painful couple of weeks but that's for another blog.
My mind hasn't been able to cope and process the information and situations I've found myself in.
I usually find writing helpful, getting it out of my head, helping me make sense of things and face things I need to. Even when things get too much and I'm unable to actually speak, when the emotions go out of control the tears flow and I find it difficult to breathe making speaking impossible. Even when I can't see through the tears my pencil will keep moving, flowing across the page (though sometimes I can't always fully read what I wrote down), expressing all those things that get stuck inside.
It can be both good and bad, good as its therapeutic getting things out, and helps me face it, but also that means facing it which can be so painful, and exhausting. Sometimes I know its there but it just hurts too much. I won't think about it and escape by playing a game on my phone or tablet, or scrolling through social media, anything but let the cogs in my brain turn.
Sometimes it goes no further than a scribbled bit of writing, then other times if I can it will turn into a blog.
Until this last couple of weeks it has been confusion more than sadness that has blocked my writing, not being able to make sense enough to put pencil to paper, having nothing scribbled to transfer to type.
I ended up in a situation that I couldn't make sense of, having someone come back into my life, and being unsure as to why or if I really wanted them there, they persisted and I let my guard down a little but it left me very uneasy and uncomfortable, it brought back uncomfortable , painful memories and introduced questions I couldn't answer.
Thankfully things came out that made my decision for me, freeing me from the confusion and doubt, but also bringing with it, new questions and some confusion.
It turned things upside down for a while, everything I had believed in for the last almost 2 years , was wrong and everything I had thought before that time turned out to be true.
Although this also brought with it uncomfortable memories it also brought good memories too.
As the "dust" settled and things calmed down, all of this turned into a blessing renewing an old friendship and old relationships, lifting a weight I hadn't realised I was carrying around, and things started to make sense again.
It has been another painful couple of weeks but that's for another blog.
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