Roman

Last week I heard the news that a very special friend had passed away. Although I only knew him for a relatively short time, he made a huge impact on me and my life. He was beautiful to his very core, his soul, he only saw the beauty and joy in the world and the best in others.


There is a Robbie Williams song "One of God's better people" (a song he wrote for his mum) and although I'm not a very religious person, the title of this song perfectly sums up my friend.
He had the biggest heart and had the most beautiful soul of anyone I have ever met.
He would say "I love you" on every message he would send me, sometimes that would be all the message said.




It broke my heart to know I would never get to speak to him, or get another "I love you" , but also knowing the world had one less angel, and people who cared for him would be lost and hurting without him.




Worse still was I didn't get to say goodbye, I worried I hadn't told him how much he meant to me often enough.


Grief is one of the harder things we have to deal with, losing someone whether they were close to you or not leaves a hole in your life, a space that can't be filled. You have to carry on, but its a bit like trying to finish a jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces.
Depending on how close to that person you were, the size of that hole can be different, its a space that will never be filled. Others may come into your life and create their own space, but no one can ever fill that space.




I've been thinking of my friend, and the wonderful memories I have of him, the photo's and the feeling of being loved for simply being me, these things will help fill the gap left by him. Hopefully the gap will become less noticeable over time. But he'll always have a space in my heart and the positive effects of being lucky enough to know him, I will carry with me forever.




Rest In Peace Ramon, my beautiful friend.

Dedicated to Ramon Carlos Molina Muñoz

Fog

Sad, on edge, lethargic, anxious, short tempered, easily irritated, worried,  frozen, unable to concentrate or function.


Just some of the feelings and emotions over the last few days, some of it is just being tired. Tired from not sleeping, working too hard, from too much "peopling", or simply the effort it takes to overcome these things on a daily basis or even just to keep them at bay. This especially can leave me exhausted and feeling empty.


Guilty,  embarrassed, lazy, wasting my life.
 A few more thoughts and feelings, guilty for not going somewhere, or not doing something, feeling bad that I may have let someone down, or just simply I could do more. ( even though I am doing the best I can, guess that's me being too hard on myself)


I've been told I'm strong and to look at how far I've come and I can see that sometimes , especially the strong part as I must be, to have gotten this far.


But when days like this occur, its like a fog has descended obscuring my view, like a blindfold pressing on my eyes, with weights hanging off me, making every move 100x times harder than normal.
When the fog lifts and the weights fall away , I float out of the shadows and feel free and lighter again. I want to find a way of keeping the fog away, maybe a fan of some sort would help, if it was a fog I created , I would be able to stop it starting or at very least construct the right sort of fan to clear it away.
I have a couple of the components for the fan, rest being the main one, recharging when I feel it coming. Taking time to be quiet, be alone and relax.
The other is writing, putting pen to paper and talking like I am now about the confusion of thoughts , feelings and emotions or lack of them. Either letting them out or somehow sparking new ones to life, especially on my non functional days (as long as I can actually get pen to paper)


The fog can also carry pollutants , making things worse and giving you something else to battle.
The fog not only clouds your vision, it also hide's obstacle's , some that trip you, some to make you change course a little, and some that stop you in your tracks. Trapping you and slowing you down.


The fog also hides the good things which can be a good or bad thing, as sometimes its easier if you can't see what your missing, you can't beat yourself for missing something you can't see, but then its bad as you have nothing positive to reach for, if you don't see what your missing what have you got to aspire to?.


Its weird to think that I could wake up tomorrow and feel fine, no fog, no weights, I could also feel worse, heavier fog and heavier weights , or I could wake up feeling exactly the same.


I take all the positives of the day to bed with me when I go, allow myself time to relax and switch off and try and get a good nights sleep.
That is all I can currently do to improve things, how I feel when I wake is an unknown, that I don't need to worry about.
Either way its another day, another chance and another challenge to face. :)

Please

Please don't see lazy
Please don't see rude
Please don't see aggressive
Please don't see angry
Please don't see distant
Please don't see anti social
Please don't see it as a choice.
Please don't see it as about you
Please don't see uncommunicative
Please don't see uncooperative


Please don't think I'm not trying
Please don't think I'm not listening
Please don't think I don't care


Please don't take it personally
Please don't say you understand , cause I know you probably don't and I don't want you to


Please don't tell me to try harder
Please don't tell me to snap out of it or get over it
Please don't tell me all I have to do is see the bright side or find the positive


Please don't be offended if I don't answer
Please don't be offended if I say no to something, cause its an achievement just to give an answer.


I already worry I'm lazy,
I already worry I'm rude
I already worry I'm not trying hard enough,
But I also know the effort it takes each and every day to just be.


I already know how hard I work
I already know how tried I get


and I know I'm doing ok, and that's ok.