Alone

Its been hurting again, that alone feeling, having almost no one to talk to and it hurting too much to actually speak about it. There have been people there who wanted to help but the pain was too bad and it meant facing some of my biggest demons, which I simply don't have the strength for.
I hadn't realised how large a couple of those particular demons were still until something in my personal life changed. I had put my trust into someone and that had put a "butterfly stitch " over the wounds I had , unfortunately these wounds hadn't healed so when that was removed all that pain flowed out again.
I crashed and felt like I was falling apart, I couldn't stop the tears and the pain made it difficult to breathe.
All my doubts and fears were released, running free. It took all my energy to be ok, if I let myself think about things, I would fall down, I never realised an internal pain could hurt so much, that it could take my breath away.
Having my faith in people tested after being let down, shook me to my core, realising that how I felt was different, that my mind had run away with me.
I had let my guard down and hoped for a better future, believing that maybe just maybe there was something more for me.
The questions of would I ever be normal, or have a normal relationship?, will I always be alone ? Why do I struggle so much with things that to everyone else is completely normal ?
 As much as I do try, I feel so uncomfortable around most people, I worry I'm not good enough, that I'm too different.
I know I'm not like most people, I know I'm different and I worry there is something wrong with me...………
wow I said it, but its true, I'm not going on my christmas works do, because of how uncomfortable I am in those situations, as much as I enjoy my time with my work colleagues and even like them (also true) those situations terrify me and exhaust me in trying so hard to be ok, when I simply am not.


I don't want to be alone, but I also cannot see anything different in my future, if I can't even cope with a works do, how am I ever going to be able to meet someone and even if I did , who would want me ? What would I have to offer them?
I have met so few people I have been able to talk to openly, even with them I find it difficult to be completely open and share what really goes on in my head sometimes. Those people made me feel a little less different, and gave me a glimmer of hope that things wouldn't always be so difficult.
having one of those people no longer be one of those people has been so difficult, and it has left me vulnerable to my demons again.
No one person can fix me I know that and I don't want anyone to, it not fair that just because I struggle with all those things most people don't , doesn't mean those one or two people should put up with me either.
I wish I could say or be ok, with being different, and I don't mean a little quirky, but I'm not because my different means I'm alone, and lonely, unable to fit in with others and never feel comfortable in social situations (even family times) .
I will always hope things will get better or at least I simply will find a way to be more comfortable in my own skin, or mind. I don't want to go through my life alone, but I worry things wont get any better. I don't know how to be different or find a way to be more comfortable, or have the strength to deal with those situations that I find so difficult.


 At least here I can share a little of it.