Self esteem is a funny thing, for some its gives them a false sense of being, in self, skills or abilities for other its a debilitating problem.
For me its a challenge I've faced for some time, I'm not actually sure when it first reared its ugly head, it may have creeped up slowly, but there are a few moments that definitely fed or maybe fed on my self esteem.
From having "friends" who complained about me to others or made fun of me, to make themselves feel "cleverer", when still in school, to while in my first full time job, being bullied for months and then having everything about me ripped to shreds including the quantity of tea I didn't drink (that one I can now laugh about). As well as being told constantly I wasn't good enough, and people didn't like me, in a recent "friendship". Although hard at the time, I didn't realise the damage that was being done until most recently when it was too late.
I thought at first my depression was caused by my low self esteem, but I now know that isn't the case, for me its more the depression highlights the low self esteem, as one of the symptom's of depression is low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness.
When my mood is better, its much easier to ignore the doubts and voices that remind me I'm not good enough at anything, clever enough, pretty enough, not likable or a good enough person.
When my mood lowers, like a dam gate being opened they rush back in full force, stopping me in my tracks and exacerbating the low mood.
There are moments that catch me out, little things that shouldn't really effect me but shine a light on my low self esteem demons.
Getting a compliment for instance, my brain goes into over drive questioning the all sorts of things, why? do I really deserve that?
A small misunderstanding with someone, or a simple comment is all it takes sometimes.
Yesterday I was sent a beautiful quote, it left me feeling very emotional, cause I didn't believe it about me, it couldn't possibly be true, it was a weird mix of emotions, sad and happy. A lovely feeling that someone could think that of me, but also sad because to me its just not true.
Why can't I see that in me ?
I have glimmers of hope and improvement, I'm stronger now and its easier to believe in the good these days, but these can also make the bad days feel worse, its disappointing when I realise they are still there and able to make me feel so awful.
I've learnt ways of coping with these bad days, and I'm working on making the most of the good moments.
