Crazy Cat Lady

I used to say I'd end up as a "Crazy Cat Lady with no Cats" !
Its something I had accepted as my fate, until I hit on a little snag, which effected my eligibility to be a Crazy Cat Lady with no Cats !
The snag is called Button, my first and so far only cat, so I suppose a small detour to being a Crazy Cat Lady with one Cat isn't too much of a change.


Now I'm not saying there is anything wrong with being a Crazy Cat Lady, its just I had always liked the uniqueness of the no cats part, bit like ordering a BLT with no T. Which I have done, more than once. (I'm not keen on tomatoes, sorry )


You may wonder about the no cats part, its not that I didn't like cats or want one, its just I never thought I could own one. I always thought I'd worry too much about him/her whenever they weren't home, the endless possibilities, of what could have happened would have driven me crazy/ or should I say crazier! There of course is the extra worry of living on a main road, the fact my front door is only two feet from the main road through the village.


Button is a house cat, which is how I have been able to deal with worry, of her going out, she doesn't go out, so I don't have to worry, magic the problem is solved !


I thought I'd end up a Crazy Cat Lady with no Cats, because I don't really have many friends, and no guys ever seem that interested, so I figured I'd always be alone i.e Crazy Cat Lady with no Cats.
I've solved the problem of the no cats part, so just need to fix the other part, but hey as I've solved one problem I'm sure I can sort the rest.
But as I've said there's nothing wrong with being a Crazy Cat Lady, so whatever I'm prepared.

You've come so far

People keep saying “you’ve come so far” or “look how far you’ve come” , but I still feel like I’m still in the same place, different, yes, but the same,  same situations, same worries and doubts, still feeling alone, still feeling like I don’t quite fit in, like there’s a barrier or line between me and everyone else.

What is it they see and I don’t ? or am I just better at hiding it?

By what measure am I doing better? How do they measure how far I’ve come ?

Being honest I know I’m doing better, I know some things have gotten better, every now and again I catch myself doing something I never thought I could or enjoying a moment, really enjoying it.

 But the doubts remain, the thoughts that run through my head are still questioning “am I good enough”, “do they really like me”, “am I just useful” or “giving them something they need at this moment” . Thinking/believing that they will get sick of me, bored and no longer want to spend time with me, that they’re only around because there is no better option and as soon as someone better/ more fun etc comes again I’ll be replaced.

Then I feel bad for thinking these bad thoughts about people, so I end up feeling worse, but so far this has been my reality. It’s hard to trust my own feelings and emotions. What if I believe and then it happens again and I’m alone again or I fail again.

It only takes someone not replying to a message or my Zumba class being a bit smaller than usual to throw me into a downward spin. My little doubt monsters are unleashed feeding on any small amount of worry.

Maybe and hopefully this is something I’ll learn to handle and even defeat. No longer allowing the monsters to feed on my fears and doubts.

This is something I’m doing better at, I’ve always been fighting and as long as give myself a moment to catch my breath and recharge my batteries I can keep fighting, keep improving and keep getting better.
I know I’m beating my depression, the battle with the monsters of poor self-esteem are harder to beat, but I will as they say “you’ve come so far” …..

Looking Back

It wasn’t until I started to feel better that I realised how bad I had felt for so long. The weight of my low mood was something I just accepted and never thought to question. It was just me; I was lonely, shy, unconfident, and had low self-esteem. It’s a little scary to realise that I had been existing for so many years without living, without ever feeling happy. I went to work, looked after my horse and went home every day alone. I never went out, saw anyone or did anything.


One day I joined a new exercise class. Suddenly, I had something to do, something I loved instantly. I quickly built a little confidence moving from the back of the class to the front row, going to as many classes a week as I could get to. I thought I was ok, I seemed to be making friends and I was no longer alone so much.


Looking back even though I felt better, the underlying self-esteem issues remained and continued to affect me each and every day and in every situation without me realising it.
I was making friends and getting fulfilment from helping and looking after others, but I wasn’t looking after myself. I thought I was getting better, I could see changes within myself and in my situation, and my life experiences were increasing.


But I was trapped in a negative cycle, thinking I was doing better, but being put down and criticised by those closest to me, undermining any confidence I had built, commenting on how other people didn’t like me, undermining any relationships I thought I had built. I became trapped, believing no one else would like me, feeling as though it was better to be in this negative situation, because at least I wasn’t alone.

 Looking back, I was still the lonely and sad person I was before, I was just busier and thought I was a least making a difference to someone.


Eventually things reached a point where I realised I needed help, not to get out of the cycle, as at the time I couldn’t see how bad it was, but to tackle the long standing self-esteem issues, thinking if I could just beat that problem everything else would just get better.
I started therapy and noticed some improvement but as I was trapped in a cycle, those improvements only went so far. I hit another low; all of a sudden I wanted to cry all the time. I was signed off work, the rest helped for a while and eventually a more understanding doctor started me on antidepressants, even though I was hesitant. I am so glad I did. Once the initial dose was increased I started to feel lighter and better. Over the next couple of months I continued to make improvements. However the negative cycle continued and stopped me getting better properly. I was being used and was exhausted, from doing too much and trying to get better despite the negativity I was subject to.


Thankfully the negative cycle was broken by the person herself and I was ‘thrown out’ of her life and that of her friends and family. Although they all meant a lot to me and it was incredibly hard and painful, it was undoubtedly the best thing that could have happened. Even though I was alone again I was free. I was free of exhaustion and of being expected to be available all day to run around after people, free of crushing negativity and constant criticisms, never being good enough and being made to feel I didn’t fit it.


Being alone was terrifying, but I was finally able to put into action everything I had been learning and working on.
There is now a light at the end of the tunnel, and I am working towards my new future, sometimes looking back is hard but also useful in guiding how to move forward and to remember how far you’ve come and where you don’t want to go back to and to see everything that lies ahead.


(originally written March 2017)